SQUAD GOALS: #FBOIS (Mark Meily, 2018)

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Naalala ko nung high school, meron kaming isang teacher na ginamit ang buong oras ng class niya para magkwento ng kanyang almoranas.

Kulang daw sa fiber ang katawan niya kasi mapili siya sa pagkain kaya sobra ang kanyang pagsisisi nung nagpa-surgery siya para matanggal yung dumudugo niyang hemorrhoids.

Super detailed ng story niya na ultimo pagtuwad niya nung procedure pati ang pakiramdam na parang hinihiwa ng blade ang butas ng pwet niya nung first poo-poo niya after the operation ay isinama niya.

Na-traumatize ako dahil dun. Feeling ko lumamon ako ng isang kilong carrots pagkauwi sa bahay. Hindi ko talaga yun makakalimutan. Happy ako na at least nalaman ko ang value ng proper diet at pagkain ng gulay dahil sa kanya.

Wala na akong ibang maalala na natutunan sa klase niya. May kasungitan din kasi yun at laging naninindak ng mga students. Hmm, hindi kaya yun ang reason kung bakit nagngangalit din ang mga almoranas niya?

Anyway, wala yan konek at all sa movie. Gusto ko lang mag-share ng life experience bilang wala naman kwenta ang pelikulang ito.

Eat your veggies, guysh!!

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

THE INVISIBLE MAN (Leigh Whannell, 2020)

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I wish you’d look at me that way. Your beautiful eyes lookin’ deep into mine. Telling me more than any words could say, but you don’t even know I’m alive…

But seriously, this was one smart, well-directed thriller. I devoured even some of the cheesy touches (Elisabeth Moss’ character was nicknamed Cee, wink wink). It reminded me a bit of J.Lo’s Enough, except that Cee fought back using her tortured brain instead of her knuckles.

Rating: ★★★★☆

HOME (Tim Johnson, 2015)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Home:

1. The crowd scenes reminded me so much of Despicable Me’s Minions. The movie had these weird-looking creatures that actually looked and talked cute and funny. I guess originality was the film’s weakest aspect from its generic story, recycled jokes and corny sight gags. Sure some bits were funny, but corny still.

2. One of my biggest pet peeves on email etiquette is the improper use of Reply to All. I just don’t get why people would simply click on this button and notify everyone when it was meant for one recipient. The running joke on Send vs Send All made me laugh out loud.

3. I wonder why they chose Rihanna to voice the teenage girl Tip. Sure the character’s supposed to be from Barbados but she just sounded too old for the part. I really liked the soundtrack though so I guess it’s all’s good.

4. Speaking of, one scene had Oh grumbling “This is not music, this is just noise!” after a Rihanna song played in the background. Talk about being a good sport!!

5. I need my own shusher.

6. I wonder what color I would be if I were lying. Wouldn’t it be great though if humans changed colors depending on their emotions? That would eliminate much of the paranoia in this world. “Why do you have a lipstick mark on your collar?” “I don’t know how it got there.” (turns green) (shoes fly)

7. The animation was gorgeous but I kept wondering if they included some scenes just to show off (refer to Life of Pi scene).

8. I bet all kids will be doing the interrupting cow joke after watching this movie. I did.

9. More digs on technology that I loved: the password caps lock, the joke that everything on the internet is correct, and this one (“Why is it called a superchip?” “It’s mostly marketing.”)

10. Home means family. Ohana means family. Alien lands on earth and befriends a spunky girl? This is Lilo & Stitch!!

Rating: ★★★☆☆

(Originally published April 3, 2015.)

JOHN CARTER (Andrew Stanton, 2012)

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It was easy to see why this was the biggest box office bomb of all time (at least, for now). The visual effects were cheesy, the plot wasn’t that interesting, and it had an awful actor in the lead role.

To be honest, I wasn’t a fan of the Star Wars movies and this one made The Phantom Menace look like a classic. Dear Hollywood Studios, we have had enough of these Mars movies. It’s time to explore another planet.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published April 2, 2012.)

THE HUNGER GAMES (Gary Ross, 2012)

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More than Battle Royale, this movie reminded me so much of The Truman Show. The latter was a brilliant satire on the entertainment industry and reality show voyeurism.

This movie had the chance to achieve the same heights, but decided to play it safe (what happened to the actual games?). I wouldn’t even compare it to the book since they’re two different visions. I’d encourage everyone to go pick up the novel.

Jennifer Lawrence wasn’t my first choice as Katniss and she sure had me converted. I loved the supporting cast, especially Elizabeth Banks and Stanley Tucci.

Overall, it was a fine enough piece of entertainment.

Rating: ★★★☆☆

(Originally published April 2, 2012.)

DR. SEUSS’ THE LORAX (Chris Renaud, Kyle Balda, 2012)

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Expect Dr. Seuss to embed environmental issues in his stories written for kids (or were they?). With its bright color palette and prancing animals, the movie sidestepped the theme and focused on the cuteness factor. I’m not sure if kids will enjoy it as much as Despicable Me but it should be good enough to keep them quiet for a few minutes.

Rating: ★★★☆☆

(Originally published April 2, 2012.)

CLOWN (Jon Watts, 2014)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Clown:

1. I just have to say that I had the most unfortunate luck of being in a theater full of several high school cliques and witnessed the battle of who was the noisiest and most annoying group. I must be really old because these kids were just too damn irritating.

2. I love clowns. I’ve never been scared of one even as a kid. Not even after reading (and watching) Stephen King’s It. I know several people though that have a clown phobia. It’s real. I even Googled it and it’s called coulrophobia. I do not recommend this to any of them.

3. The premise was actually good. Mr. Nice Guy wanted to surprise his kid on his birthday. He found a cursed clown costume, wore it, and it didn’t want to come off. He ended up looking like a cross between Heath Ledger’s Joker and Rob Corddry in Children’s Hospital. And suddenly developed a craving for children. Since this was an Eli Roth-produced flick, the ensuing gore and violence was expected.

4. If you easily flinch at the sight of wrists getting slashed, electric saws penetrating human bodies, limbs getting torn off the sockets, and bones breaking outside of the skin, consider yourself boring. I mean, avoid this at all costs.

5. The scene with the pastel colored blood splatter was just genius. It just made it hard to dismiss this film for being incredibly silly.

6. Although the first half was twistedly fun, the second half succumbed to the usual horror movie cliches where a wife would utter the line, “I know you’re still in there” to his incredibly deranged clown husband just because love conquers all.

7. The playhouse of terror scene took forever but I guess an arm taking a slide with a trail of blood should be worth the wait.

8. I just found it weird that the said clown demon could survive a headshot wound but couldn’t even free himself from heavy chains. Or that a knife got lodged on his shoulder even with an invincible costume. Funny indeed.

Rating: ★★★☆☆

(Originally published April 1, 2015.)