THE VOICES (Marjane Satrapi, 2014)

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The Voices was definitely an acquired taste that some might dismiss as incredibly bizarre and crazy. It was like Dexter with talking animals.

Ryan Reynolds was really funny whenever he went Van Wilder kooky. And that knockout closing musical number.

Bizarre-o, I tell you.

Rating: ★★★☆☆

(Originally published June 5, 2015.)

MALEFICENT (Robert Stromberg, 2014)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Maleficent:

1. I’m done with these reimaginings of classic fairy tales because none of them were actually good. Red Riding Hood, Snow White and the Huntsman, Jack the Giant Slayer, Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters. Stop ruining my childhood!

2. Let’s get this out of the way, Angelina Jolie was magnificent. My favorite scene had to be the one where she was staring at the beastie, er, baby from outside the window and she was vicious and gnarling and full of disdain. If only she were given an hour and a half to do that, I bet the movie would have been more interesting.

3. I’m all for female empowerment but did they really have to make the men here look evil and worthless? The king played by Sharlto Copley acted like a creature from District 9. Prince Charming on the other hand looked more like a messenger sent by the actual Prince Charming.

4. Who wants a villain slash hero? Who are we kidding here? We all paid to see a vicious Jolie and we ended up with a neutered version. (Besides, Rubi beat her to it.)

5. Bella Flores, Paquito Diaz, Cherie Gil. Just the thought of these people gives me the creeps. Sadly, this movie was like watching a really nice Gladys Reyes helping Judy Ann Santos do the laundry instead of throwing that damn labada at her and slamming her face in a big palanggana of soapy water. Now where’s the fun in that?

6. It had to be said: Frozen did it (first) better.

7. Those fairies were too corny and annoying. And what happened to their names of Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather? I love Imelda Staunton but she was way better as Dolores Umbridge. Ooh, and watch Vera Drake.

8. Maleficent could heal herself, make things float, summon wild creatures, transmogrify humans and animals, and yet couldn’t grow a new pair of wings?

9. Wait, so Maleficent killed Aurora’s father (whom she barely met) and everything was right in the world?

10. So in this feminist version, the movie still ended with Aurora in the arms of Prince Charming and Maleficent with her male aide?

Argh!!

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published June 4, 2014.)

WONDER WOMAN (Patty Jenkins, 2017)

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Gal Gadot wasn’t a particularly good actress, but very much like Priyanka Chopra or even Kristine Hermosa, she was just too damn gorgeous and charismatic that it was hard not to fall for her.

Cover Girl should come up with a Diana Prince line of make-up that can keep one’s face soot- and dirt-free for 24 hours regardless of any situation (kahit putukan ka pa sa mukha).

I was doubtful that Chris Pine was above average as he claimed if he could cover himself up with just one hand.

The movie itself was oftentimes cheesy in the “love is all we really need” mold, but it was surprisingly entertaining (those action scenes were so good) and sometimes, just like love, that was all that really mattered, right?

Rating: ★★★★☆

(Originally published June 4, 2017.)

MOVIE REVIEW: AMERICAN REUNION (Jon Hurwitz, Hayden Schlossberg, 2012)

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Seann William Scott would always be Stifler to me. I was happy to see him back hornier and more immature than ever in this fourth installment. Fans of the original would definitely wax nostalgic especially since the entire gang (even those in completely minor roles) was all here. My favorites remained to be Jim’s dad and Stifler’s mom. Eugene Levy and Jennifer Coolidge deserved their own spin-offs.

Rating: ★★★☆☆

(Originally published June 3, 2012.)

MOVIE REVIEW: PIRANHA 3DD (John Gulager, 2012)

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I wonder why filmmakers and distributors allow their movies to be butchered just to get a more audience-friendly rating. Do we expect a movie with a title referencing breast cup sizes to be anything but R-18?

Since the final version got skewered for an R-13 rating, the movie ended up with just an hour runtime with obvious cuts every five to ten minutes. What’s left was just pure trash with possible jokes getting cut off since they were inappropriate for younger audiences.

By the way, this flick starred David Hasselhoff and his man boobs. Oh the horror!

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published June 3, 2012.)