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WARNING: R-18 DISCUSSION!!

My notes on Dirty Grandpa:

1. There are two cuts being shown in local cinemas (one’s R-16 and the other R-18), but I guarantee you that no amount of exposure of Zac Efron’s bubble butt will make any version less dreadful. If that’s your only reason for watching, you’re better off doing a Google search of his nude pictures (cheaper, too).

2. Why did it feel like the movie was made by a horny gay teenager? There were several close-ups of Zac’s ass, paraded onscreen for no reason. In one scene, he got drunk and was suddenly wearing a thong with a giant hornet covering his crotch (of course, the said thong was removed in a succeeding scene where he was just covering himself with his hands; the fact that he was able to cover everything would be a different discussion).

In another, he needed to change his outfit so he dropped his trousers because well, he just had to (and Robert De Niro had to make fun of his penis). Oh, and there was also that scene where he woke up in bed with an actual (prosthetic?) cock next to his face. Wait, did I actually end up convincing you to watch the movie? Argh!

3. I felt offended that the bride (played by Julianne Hough) was portrayed as a controlling bitch for simply being organized and putting special attention to her wedding details. What’s wrong if she had to select between a coral or salmon tie? Why is she shown as annoying for wanting a formal detailed announcement in the papers? Or wanting a slideshow of their best vacation pictures? Or sing a duet of Celine Dion’s Because You Loved Me during the engagement party? That is actually called love. Zac singing better than the bride (runs and all) should have been the cause of concern.

4. Sure, this was a raunchy comedy but I really pitied the actors involved in this project. The De Niro had a scene where he was masturbating to a porn video and said lines like “I wanna fuck until my dick falls off”. (Can someone check if this movie should be on the Guinness Book of Records for the most use of the word “vagina”?) Even the lovely Aubrey Plaza had to play a thirsty kitten with the hots for him while saying things like “You’re gonna tsunami on my face!”

5. One scene involved a lame pass-the-message joke that didn’t make any sense and stretched on for several minutes even without any punchline. Actually almost every scene here was like a filler to ensure a one and a half hour runtime.

6. It was odd that De Niro was mean and offensive to everyone (gays, blacks, people with disabilities) and yet he taught the rest a lesson on political correctness and respect when the same people were mocked. I guess he was the only one allowed to speak that way because he was, uhm, old?

7. The only thing I found funny was that he had Werther’s Original candies in his pockets. I love those! Yes, I’m eligible soon for Medicare. Stop laughing and show some respect to your elders.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

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