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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Love Is Blind:

1. Could a hottie like Derek Ramsay actually fall in love with a nottie like Kiray Celis? If we were to believe this movie, the answer would be a definite no. Unless of course one used the power of gayuma, because a conventionally unattractive woman has no chance of being loved by her Prince Charming without any dark magic involved. That was the single joke here stretched for an hour and and forty minutes.

2. In this movie, Derek named Wade actually had a beautiful girlfriend in Maggie (Solenn Heussaff), an unrefined artist who gets a bit wild inside a club. She was so nasty that she actually wiped her wet armpits in public because well, nobody’s perfect (except for Solenn of course, an actress so game that she would do any silly thing and still end up looking endearing).

In one scene, he asked her to undergo crystal peeling because he was embarrassed to bring her in his high school reunion (“Kasi hindi pantay ang kulay mo”). Seriously? The gorgeous Solenn Heussaff still needed a cosmetic procedure to look presentable? Prince Charming was actually Prince Shallow and Obnoxious.

3. Kiray played Fe, an intern in Luxent Hotel and the idea of her being a front desk officer and barely reaching the counter was supposed to be funny. She was joined by a group of hotel friends that also defied the perception of beauty, making them all too desperate to buy magic rings (worth 7k!!) just to have a lovelife (“Ang hopeless natin!”).

Fe was the richest one because she was willing to spend 20k for a gayuma that she could probably buy in Quiapo for 100 pesos. But hey, the movie needed a fantasy so let’s forget any logic here.

4. Speaking of Luxent Hotel, it was a good thing they allowed their brand to be used considering that the hotel staff in the movie were all evil (on top of being caricatures). A supervisor shrieked at Fe in front of guests (and did a Linda Blair headspin while stepping out of the room because the movie just wasn’t corny enough), a manager rudely interrupted dinner (“Hoy babae!!”) and gave Fe a scolding in public, and somebody from housekeeping slept on the bed with his headsets on right in front of the hotel guest. The bosses here were so heartless that when Fe developed a self-induced allergic reaction (that looked more like measles), they didn’t send her home and instead assigned her to clean rooms. I didn’t even touch on the fact that the staff could easily get inside rooms without the use of a keycard.

5. Granted, Wade drank the gayuma and saw a Maggie lookalike in Fe (tattoos and all), how would that explain his physical contact with her whenever they were together? The height difference was blatant and Fe didn’t have a Blusang Itim (or Shallow Hal) transformation so it was just a matter of Wade’s perception. If that were the case, then his arms would be in thin air whenever people would see him with Fe, right? Was I putting too much thought into this?

6. The said allergic reaction turned into pimples in later scenes because Fe apparently just wasn’t hideous enough.

7. If there was one good thing in this movie, it was the message that farmers were noble workers and that the agriculture industry should be given high regard. Now if only it didn’t portray one agriculture person as a simpleton that didn’t even know a Powerpoint presentation.

8. I probably laughed really loud once during the entire movie and that was when Kiray finally looked in the mirror, saw Solenn in her reflection, and ran away screaming in horror. In fairness, siya pa talaga ang natakot.

(In retrospect, the movie had a good trailer that contained most of the funny bits. You could watch that one for free.)

9. Did Kiray and Derek kiss in the movie? Yes (and it drew the loudest groans from the other 6 people inside the cinema). I guess that was my biggest problem with the entire movie. It wanted the audience to laugh at the absurdity of the situations but also wanted them to feel guilty for doing so.

10. The movie ended not with Kiray and her true love Kean Cipriano kissing (loud groans) but with Derek and Solenn having fun in a pineapple plantation because batuhan ng soil wouldn’t look as fun and romantic if the leads weren’t so darn pretty.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

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