AMERICA’S MOST HAUNTED (Chris Randall, 2013)

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Not even the tongue-in-cheek comedy could overcome the cheap production values.

It was also the first time I watched a movie on the big screen where the copy was watermarked. Was this just a pirated download?

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published January 31, 2014.)

J. EDGAR (Clint Eastwood, 2011)

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It was hard to take a biopic seriously when you could still see Leonardo DiCaprio behind all that latex. And I couldn’t just blame the bad make-up.

Leo was slowly becoming the biggest ham actor of his generation. He seemed to be desperately gunning for an Oscar with every acting trick he had learned working with great directors.

Sadly, not even Clint Eastwood or the weak material could save this movie from being a complete bore.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published February 1, 2012.)

HAYWIRE (Steven Soderbergh, 2011)

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You’d be surprised that with all the talented people in front of and behind the camera, the end result was this self-indulgent mess.

Soderbergh still owed me money for his coma-inducing Contagion and he had finally cured my insomnia with this one.

Gina Carano could probably kick my ass anytime but she was in the same acting league as Rosie Huntington-Whitely.

This was a complete WTF movie.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published February 1, 2012.)

MY CACTUS HEART (Enrico Santos, 2012)

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It was as corny as any Star Cinema formulaic rom-com could be.

Maja Salvador’s talents were wasted as a shrill, overacting animator who fell for a vocalist/waiter with nice abs played by Matteo Guidicelli. You’d be surprised that they were lovers offscreen since they had zero chemistry here.

Everything was cliched and contrived and you could actually hear people groan after every bad punchline (crickets too, in some scenes).

The only bright spot was Rosanna Roces and even she had the humiliating task of smelling Matteo’s armpits. Talk about stinky (or lucky?).

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published January 29, 2012.)