MOVIE REVIEW: CLOWN (Jon Watts, 2014)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Clown:

1. I just have to say that I had the most unfortunate luck of being in a theater full of several high school cliques and witnessed the battle of who was the noisiest and most annoying group. I must be really old because these kids were just too damn irritating.

2. I love clowns. I’ve never been scared of one even as a kid. Not even after reading (and watching) Stephen King’s It. I know several people though that have a clown phobia. It’s real. I even Googled it and it’s called coulrophobia. I do not recommend this to any of them.

3. The premise was actually good. Mr. Nice Guy wanted to surprise his kid on his birthday. He found a cursed clown costume, wore it, and it didn’t want to come off. He ended up looking like a cross between Heath Ledger’s Joker and Rob Corddry in Children’s Hospital. And suddenly developed a craving for children. Since this was an Eli Roth-produced flick, the ensuing gore and violence was expected.

4. If you easily flinch at the sight of wrists getting slashed, electric saws penetrating human bodies, limbs getting torn off the sockets, and bones breaking outside of the skin, consider yourself boring. I mean, avoid this at all costs.

5. The scene with the pastel colored blood splatter was just genius. It just made it hard to dismiss this film for being incredibly silly.

6. Although the first half was twistedly fun, the second half succumbed to the usual horror movie cliches where a wife would utter the line, “I know you’re still in there” to his incredibly deranged clown husband just because love conquers all.

7. The playhouse of terror scene took forever but I guess an arm taking a slide with a trail of blood should be worth the wait.

8. I just found it weird that the said clown demon could survive a headshot wound but couldn’t even free himself from heavy chains. Or that a knife got lodged on his shoulder even with an invincible costume. Funny indeed.

Rating: ★★★☆☆

(Originally published April 1, 2015.)

MOVIE REVIEW: CAPTAIN AMERICA: THE WINTER SOLDIER (Anthony Russo, Joe Russo, 2014)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Captain America: The Winter Soldier:

1. Chris Evans came out onscreen wearing a really fitted tee and looking so ripped that I felt guilty about the Champ that I ate the other day. And then I realized that Captain America’s body was a product of science and unless I get recruited by S.H.I.E.L.D., I would never achieve those pecs and abs anyway so I immediately bid farewell to guilt and started planning my Yellow Cab dinner.

2. How can nobody (except a kid) recognize a world-famous superhero with his own exhibit at the Smithsonian? If Chris Evans ever visited Divisoria wearing only a cap as a disguise, I would instantly know it was Chris Evans and I’d ask for a photo op (if I didn’t instantaneously faint first).

3. Since when did Captain America turn into Jason Bourne (or for that matter, Chuck Norris)?

4. I would advise all parents not to bring their kids to this movie. This is not your typical superhero flick. The amount of violence would be too much for the young ones.

5. Ooh goodie, it’s Emily Thorne!! And Robin from How I Met Your Mother!! And that guy from Gossip Girl!! Note to self: You need to watch less TV.

6. If you ask any guy for a word to describe Scarlett Johannson, 90% of them will say HOT (I’m thinking the other 10% would say something obscene). She was so far from hot in this movie, though. She actually looked old and tired. Can we blame that horrible hair?

7. Again, another scene with Chris Evans wearing glasses to conceal his identity. And Scarlett pulling a PDA to distract the superspies. The agency must be run and populated by idiots.

8. One scene pulled a Transcendence. If you’ve seen its trailer, you’d know what I’m referring to. Got me excited.

9. Do we really need a Stan Lee cameo in each and every Marvel movie? Is this a fanboy requirement? Not that I’m complaining. Playing “Spot Stan” is my favorite thing to do whenever I get bored.

10. I really loved the new Nick Fury. I can almost hear him shout “Get this motherfuckin’ patch off my motherfuckin’ eye!!”.

P.S. It’s a Marvel movie. Do not leave until the screen goes totally blank or you’ll miss the bonus scenes. Yes, plural.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published March 31, 2014.)

MOVIE REVIEW: A GHOST STORY (David Lowery, 2017)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

Lakas ng tawa ko nung biglang bumangon si Casey Affleck at nagliwaliw sa ospital habang nakatalukbong ng kumot (with eye holes para hindi sya matapilok).

Meron pa eksena na kumakain si Rooney Mara ng pie tapos subo lang siya nang subo so inisip ko baka uubusin niya kaya nag-check muna ako ng Twitter. Aba after five minutes, kumakain pa rin sya at di man lang nag-alok! (Ayun sa kadamutan niya, sinuka din nya lahat.)

This supposedly profound tale of a time-travelling ghost was roughly ninety minutes, but felt longer than a typical Terrence Malick feature. Watching this was the perfect penance for Good Friday.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published March 30, 2018.)

MOVIE REVIEW: OTSO-OTSO (PAMELA-MELA WAN) (Jerry Lopez Sineneng, 2004)

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The highlight was a montage set to Nikki Valdez’s Chuwariwap (“Chuwariwap means I love you…”).

Even with a lot of Intsik Beho jokes, it still wasn’t as offensive to the Chinoy community as any of the Mano Po entries.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published April 23, 2017.)