MOVIE REVIEW: BOY PICK-UP: THE MOVIE (Dominic Zapata, 2012)

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Completely unbearable. If I didn’t pay good money (and if it wasn’t so damn hot outside), I would have walked out after 15 minutes. Sarah Lahbati needed to join extensive acting workshops since she delivered her lines like she was in a grade school play. Poor Solenn Heussaff had to slam her pretty face in a pie and make love with a blueberry pineapple “croissant”. Must be desperate times. This movie was simply a 5-minute Bubble Gang skit stretched to 2 hours of moronic proportions. It would probably end up as the worst movie of the year.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published June 14, 2012.)

MOVIE REVIEW: PROMETHEUS (Ridley Scott, 2012)

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It’s not a good week for Charlize Theron. She now owed me good money for that Snow White retelling and this Aliens prequel.

My biggest problem with this movie was that it tried too hard to be profound, but it indulged in the usual summer blockbuster action flick money shots. Other than the amazing visual effects (especially the luscious views and that stomach-churning surgery), everything else felt like a clunker. The movie got lost in all its religious themes and ended up ignoring all the questions.

In the end, it was nothing more than a plodding popcorn movie. Except that you wouldn’t want to eat popcorn while watching.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published June 14, 2012.)

TV REVIEW: JO KOY: IN HIS ELEMENTS (Michael McKay, 2020)

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Mukhang naubusan na ng Vicks jokes si Josep kaya inulit-ulit na lang ang clichéd nurse at karaoke references (pero seryoso hindi man lang in-update to videoke?).

Siguro maiiyak ako kung nagbayad ako ng Php7k for front row seats sa Solaire tapos ang mapapanood ko parang #PinoyFried episode ng It’s Showtime. Mas marami pa airtime ang clips pandering to a false sense of national pride at ibang guest acts kesa sa actual stand-up.

Yung feeling na sobrang excited ka manood at makinig sa mga relatable Pinoy jokes tapos ang makukuha mo breakdancers, ibang Fil-Am comedians talking about dick sizes, at si Iñigo Pascual.

To quote the real Pinoy Pride of 90 Day Fiancé, “Ngiii!!”.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

MOVIE REVIEW: SCREAM (Wes Craven, 1996)

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“Don’t you blame the movies. Movies don’t create psychos. Movies make psychos more creative!” Hahaha! Such a smart screenplay!

Wouldn’t it be great to see a Kris Aquino horror flick where she’d actually get killed within the first fifteen minutes? Your move, Star Cinema!

Rating: ★★★★★

(Originally published June 13, 2018.)

MOVIE REVIEW: THE HOURS (Stephen Daldry, 2002)

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Three generations of depression and (repressed) homosexuality personified by three brilliant acting legends.

“Someone has to die in order that the rest of us should value life more.” 😭😭😭

Cue Philip Glass’ haunting score.

Rating: ★★★★★

(Originally published June 13, 2018.)

MOVIE REVIEW: MOEBIUS (Kim Ki-Duk, 2013)

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Similar to A Serbian Film, I probably would never watch this one again. It succeeded on its intent to shock and disturb (penile implant! penis ingestion! incest! self-mutilation! sado-masochism! rape!), but it didn’t rise above such a shallow goal.

It was also dialogue-free (for no apparent reason) so I ended up supplying the lines halfway through just to keep myself awake.

Watch Pieta instead.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published June 12, 2017.)