SUMIGAW KA HANGGANG GUSTO MO! (Eric Quizon, 1999)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Sumigaw Ka Hanggang Gusto Mo!:

1. If I were ever asked by Cahiers du Cinéma to select the best Pinoy comedy film of all time, this cult classic masquerading as a suspense-horror in the vein of Scream (read: rip-off!!) would definitely be part of my shortlist. What other local film could provide huge laughs by merely casting then-emerging younger teens of T.G.I.S. as dorks from Philippine Science High School?

One where a smart Polo Ravales spouted off scientific names (Venus ponderosa! Venus lamborghini! Venus raj!) while pointing at various Baguio forest wildlife? Where resident geek Kim delos Santos would rather shout “Diptera sacrophagidae!” instead of telling Dino Guevarra that he had a fly on his nose (also, according to Google it was “saRCophagidae”)? Where Dino, whose character was apparently not too familiar with classifications, challenged the rest to just name “formulas”? And where a fully-clothed and badly-dubbed Joyce Jimenez knew every species of pine trees?

I don’t think any of these were meant to be funny because what sounded like the first intentional joke was when Dino called a mushroom as “Bahayus duwendum”. Tiyang Amy and Kuya Dick would be so proud! (Esep-esep!!)

2. As the token Drew Barrymores, most of these kids were immediately killed by a shadowy, raincoat-wearing figure reminiscent of the fisherman in I Know What You Did Last Summer (this came out pre-social media gen so it was just so much easier to steal, I mean get away with, uhm… heavily borrowing from Hollywood movies). I also realized that it would be difficult to name my favorite (read: most hilarious) death scene because there were just too many to choose from.

It would probably be a toss-up between the one where Joyce screamed at the high heavens ala Jennifer Love Hewitt (“Sino ka? Bakit mo ginagawa sa akin ‘to??”) and got stabbed to death before cutting to the main title sequence, and the one where Sunshine Dizon dangled from a cliff six feet high and shrieked until the bands of her braces broke.

(Yes, there were a lot of screaming here in case people got confused about the genre and to remind everyone about the title, of course.)

Oh, and all of these events happened within the first five minutes of the movie! Fun, right?

3. I remember referencing this guilty pleasure when I wrote my notes on Bloody Crayons where I mentioned that Eric Quizon had the audacity to cast himself in the plum killer role while being the movie’s director as well. I guess the character of college professor slash psycho Norman (wink, wink) was just too juicy to pass up on. Plus, he had a lot of acting highlights, most notably the sequence where he shifted emotions from being Norman to childhood alter ego Freddie (wink, wink) and Eric proved that he could outham the hammiest local actors.

Btw, anybody with half a brain could easily figure out the identity of the killer (just look at the poster!) and all possible twists and red herrings even before the movie’s halfway mark. Unless you really hated Bobby Andrews and presumed that he was the bad guy because of his horrible cropped haircut.

4. Onemig Bondoc’s character here got resurrected from the dead, but he still acted like a walking Benguet pine tree all-throughout the movie. On the other hand, Gladys Reyes brought so much life in all of her scenes from her eksenadorang entrance (“Where’s the bangkay?”) up to the ridiculous death of her character who smartly crawled up a chimney and ended up getting roasted to death. (But what happened to her corpse? Why didn’t she fall down after getting barbecued? Why am I wasting even more time thinking about these things?)

Also, in an earlier kidnapping scene, her petite frame was thrown inside a balikbayan box and kicked by the killer until she lost consciousness. I must have turned crazy as well for laughing my ass off during that scene.

5. Aside from Joyce, there were several other future sexy stars that were tortured here, including Rufa Mae Quinto who played an early version of Booba, Assunta de Rossi whose character could be an Anlene spokesperson for not breaking any bones even after she jumped out of a second story window, and a pre-Patricia Javier named Genesis.

6. Burning questions:

• Why did the barkada leave the library and come out of a building labelled “GYMNASIUM”?

• Was Carmina Villarroel (named Carrie, wink, wink) trying to one-up Bobby’s haircut by sporting what looked like a half-Princess Leia?

• Where can I get the services of that DJ who played during the Halloween party, had his own back-up dancers, and engaged the audience with “Handa na ba kayong mamatay”?

• What did Bearwin “Yahooooo!” Meily’s character mean by “Para naman tayong naghahanap ng tutuli sa gubat”?

• Underrated, underpaid, and easily stripped off their license through a public trial? Sounds like reason enough to turn teachers into psychos, no?

7. I’m really curious to know the scientific name of Dino’s chest hair. Help!!

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

DAMASO (Joven Tan, 2019)

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Sin vergüenza!!

Matapang sana ang mensahe ng pelikula pero natabunan ng high school musical staging (although magaling kumanta si Bidaman Jin Macapagal as Crisostomo) at Linggo ng Wika acting (except for the dependable ones like Irma Adlawan and Ketchup Eusebio).

Di ko alam san ako pinakamalakas tumawa. Baka nung baliw-baliwan song number ni Vina Morales as Sisa with her signature nginig-nginig vibrato. Or dun sa may nag-uusap na mag-jowa sa cellphone tapos pagkasabi ni girlie ng “Mahal kita” biglang segue sa “Oooooh” kasi start na pala ng kanta niya. Or nung lumabas si Mon Confiado as a prayle na mukhang rejected member ng SB19.

Medyo nagulat din ako sa casting considering the blatant political views of some actors.

To be fair, sumakit ang tiyan ko sa buong movie. Feeling ko future cult classic ang all-star cast disaster na ito.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

CINEMA ONE ORIGINALS 2019 SCORECARD

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Best Feature-Length Film

1. Sila-Sila (Giancarlo Abrahan) – ★★★☆☆
2. Metamorphosis (J.E. Tiglao) – ★★☆☆☆
3. Tia Madre (Eve Baswel) – ★★☆☆☆
4. Lucid (Victor Villanueva) – ★★☆☆☆
5. Tayo Muna Habang Hindi Pa Tayo (Denise O’Hara) – ★★☆☆☆
6. Yours Truly, Shirley (Nigel Santos) – ★★☆☆☆
7. Utopia (Dustin Celestino) – ★☆☆☆☆
8. O (Kevin Dayrit) – ★☆☆☆☆

Best Performance by an Actor in a Leading Role

1. Gio Gahol (Sila-Sila)

Best Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role

1. Alessandra de Rossi (Lucid)
2. Cherie Gil (Tia Madre)
3. Jana Agoncillo (Tia Madre)
4. Regine Velasquez (Yours Truly, Shirley)

Best Performance by an Actor in a Supporting Role

1. Ricky Davao (Metamorphosis)
2. Topper Fabregas (Sila-Sila)

Best Performance by an Actress in a Supporting Role

1. Iana Bernardez (Metamorphosis)
2. Yayo Aguila (Metamorphosis)

Best Short Film

1. Ang Gasgas na Plaka ni Lolo Bert (Janina Gacosta, Cheska Marfori) – ★★★★☆
2. Sa Among Agwat (Don Senoc) – ★★★★☆
3. The Slums (Jan Andrei Cobey) – ★★★★☆
4. Ang Lumunod sa Atin (Sonia Marie Regalario) – ★★★☆☆
5. Sa Gitna ng Lungsod (Ivan Cortez) – ★★☆☆☆
6. Last 2 3 4! (Genevieve Ofania) – ★★☆☆☆

Until next year!!

THE ART OF LIGAW (Jourdan Sebastian, 2019)

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Nasaan ang art? Panget jud kaayo.

Eto ang type ng love story kung san supposedly sweet ang pagkumpara niya sa babaeng mahal nya sa durian.

Tapos according sa ligawan rules ni girl eh kulang na lang baguhin niya completely yung guy. Yung lalaki dapat lahat mag-adjust simply because sya ang nanliligaw. At more demand si girl ng exclusivity kahit di naman sila. Uhm ok.

Nakakatawa pa kasi ang dami niya rules pero as a Team Leader sa VXI Davao, ang dami din niyang di sinusunod (cellphone sa floor, unplanned leaves, etc.). As a former call center boy, medyo kumulo ang dugo ko sa kawalan niya ng work ethics at integrity.

Epy Quizon’s way too good for this. Magaling naman kumanta si KZ Tandingan. Kaso feeling ko mas bagay si Melai Cantiveros sa role.

Graded A by the CEB? I guess like durian, this might be an acquired taste.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

THE ANNULMENT (Mac Alejandre, 2019)

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Hiyang-hiya si Britney Spears sa pagka-toxic ng mag-asawang ‘to.

Grabe for a drama sobrang dami ng tawa ko lalo na nung nagbuhusan sila ng isang jug ng water before mag-kitchen sex tapos slo-mo focus sa basang-basang (wink, wink) chest ni Joem Bascon hahaha! Tapos nung sex scene inutusan niya si Lovi Poe na “Kagatin mo!” habang pababa si ate mo sa nipples at pototoy niya hahaha!

Lovi to Myrtle Sarrosa (who should probably stick to cosplaying): “Sino ka? Anong tawag nila sa’yo maliban sa kabit?” (Hello gurl di mo ba kilala si Ate Marya? Eh di kerida, mistress, number 2 are you facking my husband anuba!!)

Meron pa parang marital rape na biglang naging angry sex na puro hampasan (sa braso??) na napaisip ako kung malamok lang sa kwarto nila.

Best yung totoong sinabon ni Lovi ang likod ni Joem sa shower sex scene. Very realistic. At syempre hagalpak ako nung sumbatan na ng infidelity at tinanong ni ate kung “Sinasabon mo rin ba ang likod niya?”. Hahahahaha!!

But wait, hindi pa ako umaabot dun sa OA court scene na straight out of Ipaglaban Mo. Mas naiyak ako at na-bother na pinayagan ng judge yung ganung shade ng purple lipstick sa lawyer ni Lovi. I object!!

Sigurado ba talaga na hindi ito directed by Joel Lamangan?

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

BARBARA REIMAGINED (Benedict Mique, Chris Ad. Castillo, 2019)

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Ang basic rule lang naman for a remake (or reboot) ay dapat mapantayan (or mahigitan) niya ang original. Otherwise, para que pa ito diba?

Maayos naman na yung 1995 remake ni Chito Roño. May sayang dulot din ang pananakot kay Kris Aquino dun sa 2008 mini-series. Feeling ko tuloy yung poot at planong paghihiganti nung multo ay hindi talaga directed kay Barbara.

Tawang-tawa ako kay Nathalie Hart dito. Hindi ko alam kung umaarte siya or hindi niya lang naiintindihan ang instructions ng director. Sayang sana ginawa nilang campy version ito kasi sure ako mag-excel siya dun.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆