ANG HULING HENYA (Marlon Rivera, 2013)

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Bland, boring, and unfunny. Rufa Mae Quinto deserved so much better. Who wanted to see her oh so serious?

I couldn’t believe that Ang Huling Henya was from the same guy that gave us Ang Babae sa Septic Tank. They were on opposite ends of the comedy spectrum.

Quinto’s one of our finest comediennes but she just wasn’t in her element here. Booba’s not funny when she’s smart.

Aside from a clever bit involving Shaira Luna, Jessica Zafra and “Sen. Miriam”, the movie was almost devoid of laughs.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published August 21, 2013.)

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AWOL (Enzo Williams, 2017)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

Forget that the movie was pro-EJK (it really wasn’t any different from a Fernando Poe, Jr. or Charles Bronson revenge flick), it was just terrible. It couldn’t even give the audience a decent showdown between the bida and kontrabida (puro batuhan lang ng putang ina).

Why did Gerald Anderson talk that way? Parang namamaga ang dila.

Mag-ingat sa lechon. Nakamamatay.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published August 21, 2017.)

TRIPTIKO (Miguel Franco Michelena, 2017)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

What a joke (and the joke was on us)!! These three episodes could have worked better as ten-minute shorts instead.

The only one that I kinda liked was Musikerong John because of its Twilight Zone feels, but everything else just felt like extended gags.

If your idea of weirdness was seeing Joseph Marco chug down a thimbleful of nana that came from his own pigsa, then this dark comedy would be right up your alley.

I’m staying away from anything Bavarian forever.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published August 21, 2017.)

BAR BOYS (Kip Oebanda, 2017)

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Taking the Bar might be a more pleasurable experience. I could watch the great Odette Khan trying to make an affecting Carlo Aquino pee in his seat for an hour, but there just wasn’t enough going on here. And in what world is Sebastian Castro considered chakabelles?

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published August 17, 2017.)

S.O.N.S: SONS OF NANAY SABEL (Dado Lumibao, 2019)

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To quote the great RBreezy philosopher slash feminist Toni Fowler na nagpabagsak ng patriarchy led by King Badger and Makagago:

“Bastos ka eh! Naka-move on na ako bigla ka na lang mag-se-send ng titi mo, diba?”

Also…

“Bago ka magsalita ng putanginang #RealTalk, make sure na putangina hashtag real talk talaga yan. Alam mo ba ang ibig sahihin ng real talk? Ang ibig sabihin ng real talk, napaka-totoo pare.”

(So #RealTalk, bakit nagsasayang ng pera ang mga local producers para gumawa ng mga pelikula na tulad nito? Oh wait, binili ng Netflix…)

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

RAKETEROS (Randy Santiago, 2013)

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A comedy that felt old and made me feel old. It should have been turned into a sitcom instead.

Raketeros harkened back to the 90’s brand of Pinoy comedy with jokes that were incredibly corny and stale, and had the requisite beach scene.

With all the cameos, it was a test of your Pinoy showbiz knowledge. I was able to name all of them, except for one PBB starlet.

Sam Pinto continued her streak of starring in the worst Pinoy movies ever made. She really needs to reconsider her acting career.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published August 12, 2013.)