MOVIE REVIEW: THE STRANGERS: PREY AT NIGHT (Johannes Roberts, 2018)

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Even worse than the first. Watching this movie about a family of morons getting butchered definitely put the torture in torture porn.

It was so bad that I was gleefully singing along to Air Supply’s Making Love Out of Nothing At All while the whiny daughter was getting ready to be filleted.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published June 16, 2018.)

MOVIE REVIEW: BOY PICK-UP: THE MOVIE (Dominic Zapata, 2012)

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Completely unbearable. If I didn’t pay good money (and if it wasn’t so damn hot outside), I would have walked out after 15 minutes. Sarah Lahbati needed to join extensive acting workshops since she delivered her lines like she was in a grade school play. Poor Solenn Heussaff had to slam her pretty face in a pie and make love with a blueberry pineapple “croissant”. Must be desperate times. This movie was simply a 5-minute Bubble Gang skit stretched to 2 hours of moronic proportions. It would probably end up as the worst movie of the year.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published June 14, 2012.)

TV REVIEW: JO KOY: IN HIS ELEMENTS (Michael McKay, 2020)

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Mukhang naubusan na ng Vicks jokes si Josep kaya inulit-ulit na lang ang clichéd nurse at karaoke references (pero seryoso hindi man lang in-update to videoke?).

Siguro maiiyak ako kung nagbayad ako ng Php7k for front row seats sa Solaire tapos ang mapapanood ko parang #PinoyFried episode ng It’s Showtime. Mas marami pa airtime ang clips pandering to a false sense of national pride at ibang guest acts kesa sa actual stand-up.

Yung feeling na sobrang excited ka manood at makinig sa mga relatable Pinoy jokes tapos ang makukuha mo breakdancers, ibang Fil-Am comedians talking about dick sizes, at si Iñigo Pascual.

To quote the real Pinoy Pride of 90 Day Fiancé, “Ngiii!!”.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

MOVIE REVIEW: MOEBIUS (Kim Ki-Duk, 2013)

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Similar to A Serbian Film, I probably would never watch this one again. It succeeded on its intent to shock and disturb (penile implant! penis ingestion! incest! self-mutilation! sado-masochism! rape!), but it didn’t rise above such a shallow goal.

It was also dialogue-free (for no apparent reason) so I ended up supplying the lines halfway through just to keep myself awake.

Watch Pieta instead.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published June 12, 2017.)

MOVIE REVIEW: PIRANHA 3DD (John Gulager, 2012)

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I wonder why filmmakers and distributors allow their movies to be butchered just to get a more audience-friendly rating. Do we expect a movie with a title referencing breast cup sizes to be anything but R-18?

Since the final version got skewered for an R-13 rating, the movie ended up with just an hour runtime with obvious cuts every five to ten minutes. What’s left was just pure trash with possible jokes getting cut off since they were inappropriate for younger audiences.

By the way, this flick starred David Hasselhoff and his man boobs. Oh the horror!

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published June 3, 2012.)