SQUAD GOALS: #FBOIS (Mark Meily, 2018)

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Naalala ko nung high school, meron kaming isang teacher na ginamit ang buong oras ng class niya para magkwento ng kanyang almoranas.

Kulang daw sa fiber ang katawan niya kasi mapili siya sa pagkain kaya sobra ang kanyang pagsisisi nung nagpa-surgery siya para matanggal yung dumudugo niyang hemorrhoids.

Super detailed ng story niya na ultimo pagtuwad niya nung procedure pati ang pakiramdam na parang hinihiwa ng blade ang butas ng pwet niya nung first poo-poo niya after the operation ay isinama niya.

Na-traumatize ako dahil dun. Feeling ko lumamon ako ng isang kilong carrots pagkauwi sa bahay. Hindi ko talaga yun makakalimutan. Happy ako na at least nalaman ko ang value ng proper diet at pagkain ng gulay dahil sa kanya.

Wala na akong ibang maalala na natutunan sa klase niya. May kasungitan din kasi yun at laging naninindak ng mga students. Hmm, hindi kaya yun ang reason kung bakit nagngangalit din ang mga almoranas niya?

Anyway, wala yan konek at all sa movie. Gusto ko lang mag-share ng life experience bilang wala naman kwenta ang pelikulang ito.

Eat your veggies, guysh!!

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

A GHOST STORY (David Lowery, 2017)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

Lakas ng tawa ko nung biglang bumangon si Casey Affleck at nagliwaliw sa ospital habang nakatalukbong ng kumot (with eye holes para hindi sya matapilok).

Meron pa eksena na kumakain si Rooney Mara ng pie tapos subo lang siya nang subo so inisip ko baka uubusin niya kaya nag-check muna ako ng Twitter. Aba after five minutes, kumakain pa rin sya at di man lang nag-alok! (Ayun sa kadamutan niya, sinuka din nya lahat.)

This supposedly profound tale of a time-travelling ghost was roughly ninety minutes, but felt longer than a typical Terrence Malick feature. Watching this was the perfect penance for Good Friday.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published March 30, 2018.)

OTSO-OTSO (PAMELA-MELA WAN) (Jerry Lopez Sineneng, 2004)

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The highlight was a montage set to Nikki Valdez’s Chuwariwap (“Chuwariwap means I love you…”).

Even with a lot of Intsik Beho jokes, it still wasn’t as offensive to the Chinoy community as any of the Mano Po entries.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published April 23, 2017.)

MY KONTRABIDA GIRL (Jade Castro, 2012)

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You know that a local comedy’s in trouble when the funniest thing that it could offer was naming Aljur Abrenica’s character as Chris Bernal. You know it’s in even bigger trouble simply because it starred Abrenica, an actor so wooden he’s perfect as his TV alter-ego Machete. Poor guy even had to play a role that mocked his stilted and funny delivery. I guess that just about summed up the movie: a misguided, messy comedy that tried to be hilarious, but ended up being the bigger joke.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published March 24, 2012.)

THE WITNESS (Muhammad Yusuf, 2012)

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With this and My Kontrabida Girl, it was a Gwen Zamora film festival for me this week. Too bad though that someone who was fine in terms of acting (and looked great onscreen) ended up in two stinkers. For a suspense/horror movie, this seemed to be very confused in terms of plot and tone. It was just a mix of flashbacks, montages, and dream sequences. It could have ended at the 1 hour mark but it took upon itself to add another hour to (very slowly) explain the entire twist. This is a dumbed-down flick for audiences dumb enough to see it.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published March 24, 2012.)

HITMAN (Cesar Montano, 2012)

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If Montano was trying to bring back the glory days of Pinoy action movies, then he had ultimately failed with this piece of crap. Except for the opening credits (that didn’t feature the usual red fonts), everything in this movie was horrendous. The actors could barely act (Sam Pinto could have been replaced by a mannequin and nobody would have noticed), the screenplay was one big mess (did we really have to hear Montano comment on all the action that was happening onscreen?), and the direction was simply sloppy.

This was the kind of movie that you’d: 1) kick yourself in the head for wasting time and money on, and 2) wish would end after 30 minutes. Easily one of the worst movies of the year.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published March 23, 2012.)