20 ONCE AGAIN! (Leste Chen, 2015)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

Good production values, but it lacked the humor and warmth of the Korean and Pinoy versions. Although I liked the distinct Chinese touches (another pivotal mahjong scene!), that (changed) ending left much to be desired.

Rating; ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published August 31, 2018.)

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FANTASTIC FOUR (Josh Trank, 2015)

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Lugi ka lang sa Fantastic Four. It was an hour and a half of prologue that basically sets up the sequel. I want a refund!

The entire movie was about them building a teleporter and explaining the origin of their superpowers. For a superhero movie, it definitely lacked action.

It was the movie equivalent of Ang Alamat ng Bayabas. No wonder there was a review embargo on this stinker.

Don’t even bother staying after the end credits. All you’ll see is a message saying how this movie gave jobs to thousands of people. Hokay!

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published August 6, 2015.)

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE – ROGUE NATION (Christopher McQuarrie, 2015)

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You don’t watch a movie called Mission: Impossible expecting believability so the best thing to do is check your brain at the door and just enjoy.

I can only wish to be as charming and agile as Tom Cruise when I’m 53. One scene involving a pole and handcuffs completely defied the laws of physics and put Stephen Amell and his salmon ladder (Google it!) to shame.

The elaborate and cleverly-staged action sequences are worth the price of admission.

Watch it in 2D/4DX and have a blast.

Rating: ★★★★☆

(Originally published August 3, 2015.)

THE GALLOWS (Travis Cluff, Chris Lofing, 2015)

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The Gallows is the kind of idiotic found footage horror movie where characters have night vision and can see in pitch black darkness, smash their phone instead of using it to call for help, and never stop filming with a handheld camera even in extreme danger.

Save your money and run.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published August 3, 2015.)

THE BOY NEXT DOOR (Rob Cohen, 2015)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on The Boy Next Door:

1. The first few scenes reminded me so much of Enough that this could actually have worked as a sequel to that other trashy guilty pleasure. I was surprised Ashley Judd didn’t star in this one.

2. What happened to Kristin Chenoweth? Her unforgiving haircut and old vice-principal face was so far from the cutesy characters she played in Pushing Daisies and Wicked. She had the (relatively) best lines in the movie, though.

3. In one scene, J.Lo kept peeking at the naked young boy next door. Didn’t that make her the predator? Shouldn’t this be The MILF Next Door?

4. A man went out on a date with J.Lo and he still kept glancing at other women. Seriously, was there any man (straight or otherwise) who’d still have the nerve to look elsewhere if Jenny from the Block was seated right in front of him?

5. That sex scene. Ohmy! Worth the price of admission. Sorry not sorry. (FYI, Rob Cohen also directed The Fast and the Furious.)

6. I thought that I had seen the worst when John Travolta stabbed Uma Thurman’s chest with a syringe in Pulp Fiction. And then I saw the epi pen scene in this movie. I almost fainted in my seat.

7. If anything, this movie should serve as a warning to ladies everywhere to check every nook and cranny for hidden cameras before engaging in hot, steamy sex. Unless you wanted to be the next (starlet name deleted due to cybercrime law).

8. The script was obviously written by a woman because the female teacher slept with her male student and the student was supposed to be the bad guy. In comparison, Starting Over Again was written by a woman and it was about a male teacher who slept with his female student and it was supposed to be romantic. Ladies, we need to talk.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published February 4, 2015.)

MORTDECAI (David Koepp, 2015)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Mortdecai:

1. After a string of box office flops, has Johnny Depp’s quirkiness finally overstayed its welcome? Sure, he was hilarious (and even Academy-nominated) in his famous roles as Jack Sparrow, The Mad Hatter, Willy Wonka, and Sweeney Todd. But after playing one campy role after another in recent movies (pasty-white vampire in Dark Shadows, bumbling Native American in The Lone Ranger, and virtual data dust in Transcendence), is it finally time to say enough is enough? Can we have the old, normal Depp please?

2. Mortdecai looked like a career killer (if The Tourist wasn’t bad enough) and this could be the final nail on the coffin. It was a terrible, incredibly corny, infantile, unfunny “comedy” that didn’t even come close to the comedic genius of the Austin Powers movies (yes, even the worst one in the series).

3. Unfortunately, the movie came on the heels of The Grand Budapest Hotel and Depp here was no Ralph Fiennes.

4. Why would a well-trimmed mustache trigger a gag reflex anyway? And how many times did they have to repeat that gag on the gag reflex? How many times did they have to repeat almost all the lame jokes? Did they have to repeat them over and over? Repeat pa more.

5. Aside from Depp, this movie also had Gwyneth Paltrow, Ewan McGregor, Paul Bettany, Olivia Munn, and Jeff Goldblum. Imagine that awesome pool of talents wasted in an embarrassing movie.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published January 28, 2015.)

MACBETH (Justin Kurzel, 2015)

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My notes on Macbeth:

1. The opening scene with the dead Macbaby perfectly set the somber tone of this adaptation. I could barely remember reading the source (maybe I even just read the Cliff’s Notes version) but I didn’t recall an actual baby in the play. I even thought that Lady Macbeth went mad from her frustration of not having (not loss of) a baby and all the references on sucking milk were just imaginary.

(Side note: This reminded me of a local actress who also experienced the same kind of depression and apparently took care of a doll while on the set. Sadness.)

Now that I have a lot of time to read, I really need to catch up on these classics.

2. There were only a few of us in the theater and some understandably walked out halfway through. The movie was a test of patience with its leisurely pacing, extra slow motion battle sequences, Old English dialogue, and constant monologues. But then again, anybody watching a Shakespeare adaptation should have been prepared for that. (Good news: there were English subtitles so I didn’t get an epistaxis trying to figure out what the characters were saying, e.g. “Bid me not speak, see, speak yourselves” for “Kayo na ang sumight sa bangkay”).

3. I loved the visuals in the movie, especially the final battle scene with the red and orange hues. I would have to admit that I snickered a bit though when Michael Fassbender’s eyeshadow and mascara got smudged from the constant crying (and also in the scene where Macduff called his kids “all my pretty chickens”).

4. Speaking of Fassy, he was fine as the said “Warrior King” but was still no match for Marion Cotillard’s deranged performance. As the scheming Lady Macbeth, you could actually see her devilish smile even in the dark after her husband said that he had done the murderous deed. Her delivery of the line “A little water clears us of this deed” was just chilling that when she showed human emotions during the latter part of the movie (“Out, damned spot!”), one couldn’t help but doubt if they were crocodile tears.

5. I stand by my belief that Lady Macbeth was somewhat misunderstood. Was she really innately evil or just a completely supportive wife? Did the lack of a child diminish her maternal instincts or made her more selfless and loving? Why do strong and ambitious women always end up getting a bad rap? I digress.

Rating: ★★★☆☆

(Originally published January 26, 2016.)

ALVIN AND THE CHIPMUNKS: THE ROAD CHIP (Walt Becker, 2015)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip:

1. As a kid, I have always loved the Chipmunks that I would try and imitate their voices by talking in front of an electric fan with the dial turned up to three. (Okay, sometimes I sang the theme song as well: “Alvin, Simon, Theodoooore!”) And no, I never had access to helium balloons. If I did, I wouldn’t have ended up with so much kabag.

2. This fourth film in the series wasn’t any better than the previous sequels, but it was just too hard to hate on these lovable, furry singing creatures. The jokes were completely juvenile so they mostly involved farting, peeing, and pooping. My favorite bit was when Alvin told Dave that they were very mature and then Theodore farted and said in his too cute voice, “Oops, pizza toots!” It might not be funny for anyone over eight, but us kids laughed our hearts out.

3. I wish there were more pop songs included here other than Uptown Funk and Geronimo. Sure, it was fun to hear Conga and Iko Iko but I missed the Chipettes singing Bad Romance and Single Ladies. Plus, the girls were sidelined in the entire movie playing judges in a blatant plug for American Idol.

4. Jennifer Coolidge showed up yet again in a ditzy role which was a variation of her Sophie Kaczinsky in 2 Broke Girls, in turn a variation of her Paulette in Legally Blonde, also a variation of her MILF role in American Pie. Has she played any other character of late?

5. Actually, a lot of good actors (mostly Emmy winners) showed up to cash in their checks. Tony Hale endured a lot of slapstick jokes from various animals that will put his encounters with VP Selina Meyer to shame. Uzo Aduba had a thankless role as a security officer that simply wanted to frisk passengers. Even John Waters showed up for a brief cameo (thankfully, no poop-eating scene).

6. I wouldn’t be spoiling anything if I say that Dave ended up adopting the Chipmunks, thereby one-upping the Brangelina clan. As one character stated, “Families come in all shapes and sizes. We don’t judge.” Aww, now wasn’t that nice?

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published January 26, 2016.)