HOME (Tim Johnson, 2015)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Home:

1. The crowd scenes reminded me so much of Despicable Me’s Minions. The movie had these weird-looking creatures that actually looked and talked cute and funny. I guess originality was the film’s weakest aspect from its generic story, recycled jokes and corny sight gags. Sure some bits were funny, but corny still.

2. One of my biggest pet peeves on email etiquette is the improper use of Reply to All. I just don’t get why people would simply click on this button and notify everyone when it was meant for one recipient. The running joke on Send vs Send All made me laugh out loud.

3. I wonder why they chose Rihanna to voice the teenage girl Tip. Sure the character’s supposed to be from Barbados but she just sounded too old for the part. I really liked the soundtrack though so I guess it’s all’s good.

4. Speaking of, one scene had Oh grumbling “This is not music, this is just noise!” after a Rihanna song played in the background. Talk about being a good sport!!

5. I need my own shusher.

6. I wonder what color I would be if I were lying. Wouldn’t it be great though if humans changed colors depending on their emotions? That would eliminate much of the paranoia in this world. “Why do you have a lipstick mark on your collar?” “I don’t know how it got there.” (turns green) (shoes fly)

7. The animation was gorgeous but I kept wondering if they included some scenes just to show off (refer to Life of Pi scene).

8. I bet all kids will be doing the interrupting cow joke after watching this movie. I did.

9. More digs on technology that I loved: the password caps lock, the joke that everything on the internet is correct, and this one (“Why is it called a superchip?” “It’s mostly marketing.”)

10. Home means family. Ohana means family. Alien lands on earth and befriends a spunky girl? This is Lilo & Stitch!!

Rating: ★★★☆☆

(Originally published April 3, 2015.)

JUPITER ASCENDING (Andy and Lana Wachowski, 2015)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Jupiter Ascending:

1. I was so happy that this movie wasn’t Eddie Redmayne’s Norbit. It was weird how much he sounded like Stephen Hawking here still with that low slow rasp. Or at least somebody who smoked five packs of cigarettes every day. You were so lucky, Eddie. Love the freckles, by the way.

2. All the aliens spoke English. At least it would be easy for us to communicate with them. Asking for directions in Jupiter would never be a problem.

3. Channing Tatum with pointy ears still looked a hundred times better than me. You know what they say about people with big ears, they also have a long… life. What were you thinking?

4. Another box office bomb from The Wachowskis. I never liked any of their movies after The Matrix (and yes, that included the lame sequels). Are they now the M. Night Shyamalan of sci-fi?

5. Sean Bean dies in almost everything that he does (Goldeneye, The Hitcher, Lord of the Rings, Equilibrium, Game of Thrones, just to name a few) so I was happy to see that his survival rate increased because of this movie.

6. I’m terrified of bees. I’ve been stung before and it has to be one of the most horrible experiences ever along with the extraction of all my wisdom teeth. The scene where Mila Kunis was swarmed with bees made the audience squeal with delight but left me gasping for air in my seat.

7. If there’s anything beautiful in this movie, that would have to be the gorgeous gowns worn by Kunis, especially the Swarovski-studded wedding dress created by Michael Cinco. Stunning, just stunning.

8. “Why do I easily fall for men that fall for me?” Raise your hand if you can relate!

9. So Tatum had his wings cut off and earned them back after a job well done? I wonder what Maleficent has to say about that.

10. You’ll have more fun riding the Rialto at Enchanted Kingdom. Not kidding.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published March 1, 2015.)

FANTASTIC FOUR (Josh Trank, 2015)

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Lugi ka lang sa Fantastic Four. It was an hour and a half of prologue that basically sets up the sequel. I want a refund!

The entire movie was about them building a teleporter and explaining the origin of their superpowers. For a superhero movie, it definitely lacked action.

It was the movie equivalent of Ang Alamat ng Bayabas. No wonder there was a review embargo on this stinker.

Don’t even bother staying after the end credits. All you’ll see is a message saying how this movie gave jobs to thousands of people. Hokay!

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published August 6, 2015.)

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE – ROGUE NATION (Christopher McQuarrie, 2015)

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You don’t watch a movie called Mission: Impossible expecting believability so the best thing to do is check your brain at the door and just enjoy.

I can only wish to be as charming and agile as Tom Cruise when I’m 53. One scene involving a pole and handcuffs completely defied the laws of physics and put Stephen Amell and his salmon ladder (Google it!) to shame.

The elaborate and cleverly-staged action sequences are worth the price of admission.

Watch it in 2D/4DX and have a blast.

Rating: ★★★★☆

(Originally published August 3, 2015.)

THE GALLOWS (Travis Cluff, Chris Lofing, 2015)

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The Gallows is the kind of idiotic found footage horror movie where characters have night vision and can see in pitch black darkness, smash their phone instead of using it to call for help, and never stop filming with a handheld camera even in extreme danger.

Save your money and run.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published August 3, 2015.)

THE BOY NEXT DOOR (Rob Cohen, 2015)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on The Boy Next Door:

1. The first few scenes reminded me so much of Enough that this could actually have worked as a sequel to that other trashy guilty pleasure. I was surprised Ashley Judd didn’t star in this one.

2. What happened to Kristin Chenoweth? Her unforgiving haircut and old vice-principal face was so far from the cutesy characters she played in Pushing Daisies and Wicked. She had the (relatively) best lines in the movie, though.

3. In one scene, J.Lo kept peeking at the naked young boy next door. Didn’t that make her the predator? Shouldn’t this be The MILF Next Door?

4. A man went out on a date with J.Lo and he still kept glancing at other women. Seriously, was there any man (straight or otherwise) who’d still have the nerve to look elsewhere if Jenny from the Block was seated right in front of him?

5. That sex scene. Ohmy! Worth the price of admission. Sorry not sorry. (FYI, Rob Cohen also directed The Fast and the Furious.)

6. I thought that I had seen the worst when John Travolta stabbed Uma Thurman’s chest with a syringe in Pulp Fiction. And then I saw the epi pen scene in this movie. I almost fainted in my seat.

7. If anything, this movie should serve as a warning to ladies everywhere to check every nook and cranny for hidden cameras before engaging in hot, steamy sex. Unless you wanted to be the next (starlet name deleted due to cybercrime law).

8. The script was obviously written by a woman because the female teacher slept with her male student and the student was supposed to be the bad guy. In comparison, Starting Over Again was written by a woman and it was about a male teacher who slept with his female student and it was supposed to be romantic. Ladies, we need to talk.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published February 4, 2015.)

MORTDECAI (David Koepp, 2015)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Mortdecai:

1. After a string of box office flops, has Johnny Depp’s quirkiness finally overstayed its welcome? Sure, he was hilarious (and even Academy-nominated) in his famous roles as Jack Sparrow, The Mad Hatter, Willy Wonka, and Sweeney Todd. But after playing one campy role after another in recent movies (pasty-white vampire in Dark Shadows, bumbling Native American in The Lone Ranger, and virtual data dust in Transcendence), is it finally time to say enough is enough? Can we have the old, normal Depp please?

2. Mortdecai looked like a career killer (if The Tourist wasn’t bad enough) and this could be the final nail on the coffin. It was a terrible, incredibly corny, infantile, unfunny “comedy” that didn’t even come close to the comedic genius of the Austin Powers movies (yes, even the worst one in the series).

3. Unfortunately, the movie came on the heels of The Grand Budapest Hotel and Depp here was no Ralph Fiennes.

4. Why would a well-trimmed mustache trigger a gag reflex anyway? And how many times did they have to repeat that gag on the gag reflex? How many times did they have to repeat almost all the lame jokes? Did they have to repeat them over and over? Repeat pa more.

5. Aside from Depp, this movie also had Gwyneth Paltrow, Ewan McGregor, Paul Bettany, Olivia Munn, and Jeff Goldblum. Imagine that awesome pool of talents wasted in an embarrassing movie.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published January 28, 2015.)