MOVIE REVIEW: CHUB CHASER (Crisaldo Pablo, Remar Mallari, Bobby Galura, Jonathan Batoy, 2010)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

Ano ba ‘tong mga pinapanood ko? Damn you, COVID-19!!

Obviously gay fantasy ito kasi bawal magsuot ng underwear ang mga lalaki. If ever meron man suot, kelangan hubarin bago lumabas ng frame ang characters. Ang mga roommates kelangan sabay-sabay maligo sa isang banyo tapos kanya-kanyang frontal nudity paglabas. Lahat nangyayari habang may soft-core porn music sa background. (It took four directors to come up with this??)

Medyo weird lang kasi hindi siya tungkol sa isang chub chaser kundi sa isang chabelita (named Chubi, naturally). Nakakalungkot yung reality na sobrang discriminated sa gay community yung chubs tulad ng effems and bottoms. Kaya every time makipag-hook up si Chubi dito eh lagi siyang rejected. Kahit matandang kalbo yung ni-meet niya eh nilait pa siya at tinawag na majubis. Sayang hindi na-explore ang theme kasi ang objective lang naman talaga ng pelikula eh to satisfy your queeriosity (meaning kebs sa art of filmmaking basta may gratuitous gay sex and nudity every twenty minutes).

Mas magaling pa umarte yung mga high school classmates ko kesa sa cast nito (maliban kay Pinoy Pink Film Kween Chamyto Aguedan). Parang on the spot lang pinag-isipan yung mga sequences. Ang haba ng mga eksena na naglalakad lang ang mga potential hook-ups ni Chubi papunta sa apartment niya. Kaya din siguro tumataba siya kasi naubos na niya ang isang bag ng Clover Chips bago pa sila makarating.

Fat people deserve some love, too? Tell me something I don’t personally know.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

MOVIE REVIEW: CINCO (Frasco Mortiz, Enrico Santos, Ato Bautista, Nick Olanka, Cathy Garcia-Molina, 2010)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

Anthology of five horror shorts kyemerut. Parang pa-bibong Shake, Rattle, Roll with its two additional stories pero hindi naman nakadagdag sa scare factor.

BRASO (Frasco Mortiz) – ★☆☆☆☆

Tungkol sa baklang braso na nag-break free sa pagiging closeta at dinakma ang yagbols ni AJ Perez (RIP).

PAA (Enrico Santos) – ★★★☆☆

Tungkol sa isang nanay (Jodi Sta. Maria in full batas ng isang api mode) na hindi marunong magpagpag kaya sinundan ng multo ng batang ninakawan niya ng sapatos.

MATA (Ato Bautista) – ★★☆☆☆

Tungkol sa isang babaeng (Maja Salvador) trapped in a Groundhog Day nightmare kung saan jowa niya lagi si Rayver Cruz. Saklap.

MUKHA (Nick Olanka) – ★★☆☆☆

Tungkol sa bitch from hell na boss (Mariel Rodriguez channeling Kimmy Go Dong Hae) na ginamit ang mukha ng kawawang office janitor to test their new photocopying machine. Naghiganti tuloy ang kaluluwa nito na galit sa mga DDS tulad ng asawa ni boss na si Robin Padilla.

PUSO (Cathy Garcia-Molina) – ★★☆☆☆

Tungkol sa isang chakang perya performer (Pokwang) na desperadong magka-lovelife at sa kasamaang-palad ay zombie ang nagayuma. Hindi na rin masama kasi mas mukha pang mabango ang naaagnas na si Zanjoe Marudo kesa sa mga People You May Know ng Facebook.

Saan banda ako dapat matakot?

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

TOP 10 MMFF MOVIES (2000-2016)

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MOVIE REVIEW: MISS YOU LIKE CRAZY (Cathy Garcia-Molina, 2010)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Miss You Like Crazy:

1. In our province of Batangas back in the late 80’s/early 90’s, we had not been introduced yet to a loofah so we would use these pumice rocks (also known as panghilod) while bathing (usually in a batis) to scrape off all the dirt and grime from our skins.

They were all I could think of whenever Mia (Bea Alonzo) would leave signed copies of panghilod basically everywhere. More than sayang, I felt really bad imagining such a lovely girl all covered with so much libag.

(Tita Tip of the Day: Forget all the exfoliants in Lush. Grab a rock from your garden, use it in the shower, and wash all of your problems away.)

2. John Lloyd Cruz (as Alan) still wore these long and baggy pants in the movie so this was obviously during his pre-Liz Uy days.

Now his trousers all look so tight like he doesn’t want to have kids and they’re always cropped at least two inches above the ankle (read: bitin and/or baston) like he’s auditioning for the role of Bilbo Baggins in a local version of the Lord of the Rings.

(Yes, inggit lang ako kasi hindi ako fashyown.)

3. This love story relied too much on serendipity. It was the kind of movie where two random vehicles would end up next to each other in traffic because the fated lovers were meant to have a Tutuban Mall date (sorry, it was done much better in Minsan, Minahal Kita).

Years later, they would bump into each other in a hotel in Malaysia because, well, destiny.

Seriously, Lolo Uly (Noel Trinidad) and his magical prediction essentially told the entire plot during the movie’s 30-minute mark. The remaining one and a half hours was completely unnecessary (and very bagot because the movie actually felt like three hours).

4. Since this was a Cathy Garcia-Molina flick, somebody had to wear her trademark wigs. Poor Maricar Reyes (as Alan’s girlfriend Daphne) had to sport a hairstyle that was a cross between a mullet and a pixie cut and made her look like she just recovered from a heavy bout of typhoid fever.

Also, why was she portrayed as a villain just because she didn’t find the idea of a Pasig River cruise romantic? Anak ng Pasig naman ang pagiging anti-elitista dito.

Even worse, in a succeeding scene where Alan explained to Mia that Divisoria briefs were not good fixed assets (pati underwear investment na din?), he was just giving sound advice. Why the double standard? Pfft!!

5. “Alan ba talaga ang pangalan mo? Bakit ka lingon nang lingon sa August?”

Dear, whenever somebody shouts a name (any name for that matter) in a crowded place, expect people to look. I’m sure everyone would be curious to know who that crazy screaming woman was.

6. So Alan’s fridge was stocked with microwave-ready food like filet mignon, garlic mashed potatoes, cordon bleu, fettucine alfredo, and chicken rosemary, but he chose to eat…Greenwich pizza, of course!!

7. Sex on the stairs. Ang sakit siguro sa likod nun. I wasn’t surprised that Mia was crying after Alan climaxed twenty seconds later.

8. Paco Park should get secondary billing in future Star Cinema movies as the ultimate love destination (also seen in Starting Over Again, Barcelona, and even Dolce Amore). Still single? You know where to go.

9. Maswerte yung Malaysian version ni Paolo Bediones ha. Nakarami ng halik kay Bea infer.

10. In one scene, Mia had this huge stain on the vajayjay area of her dress so it looked like she peed herself. In another scene, Ryan Eigenmann’s entire forehead looked sunburnt.

Poor production values or were they also destined to be that way?

11. “Fate only gives us one chance to get it right.”

Hindi totoo yan dahil may sequel pa nga ang One More Chance.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

MOVIE REVIEW: MULI (Adolf Alix, Jr., 2010)

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This was probably one of my least favorite Alix movies.

The gay theme just seemed to be out of place in the heavily political setting. It was hard to feel for the central characters when the movie didn’t really establish much of their love story. They just seemed to be two confused people in need of a fuck buddy. Sid Lucero gave a powerful performance that sadly wasn’t matched by Cogie Domingo.

They found love in a hopeless place. So what?

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

MOVIE REVIEW: IN YOUR EYES (Mac Alejandre, 2010)

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The movie, the characters, and the storyline were all completely despicable. It was hard to root for anyone in this awful movie because the characters probably weren’t written to make clear judgements.

Don’t get me started on the horrendous non-acting of Richard Gutierrez. Stupid decisions were made, improbable outcomes happened, and then the movie had the gall to fast-forward two years later where the characters simply forgot everything that happened and lived happily ever after. “Hey, you made out with my sister but that’s okay since we all have green cards now. Let’s fix our relationship and forget everything. Call me maybe?”

You would definitely want to take a long cold shower to remove this much filth from your mind.

Rating: 1/5

MOVIE REVIEW: RPG METANOIA (Luis Suarez, 2010)

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Solid effort for the country’s first CGI movie. Entertaining for kids and adults, gamers or not.

It had this great montage set to APO’s Bawat Bata with the kids playing piko & sipa & tumbang preso. Made me miss my childhood.

The animation could have been more fluid and the kids’ voices more distinct but it’s just pure nitpicking.

This Pinoy cartoon is still very impressive.

Rating: ★★★★☆