GANDARRAPPIDO!: THE REVENGER SQUAD (Joyce Bernal, 2017)

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Gigil si aquo!

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published January 4, 2018.)

SIARGAO (Paul Soriano, 2017)

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Aka Drone Shot Pa More!! (or Metaphors Pa More!!)

So it’s the story of a girl who went soul-searching in Siargao because she didn’t know what flavor of popcorn she really wanted. Very millennial ang problema ni Ate Gurl.

Infer maganda ang waves.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published December 31, 2017.)

AWOL (Enzo Williams, 2017)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

Forget that the movie was pro-EJK (it really wasn’t any different from a Fernando Poe, Jr. or Charles Bronson revenge flick), it was just terrible. It couldn’t even give the audience a decent showdown between the bida and kontrabida (puro batuhan lang ng putang ina).

Why did Gerald Anderson talk that way? Parang namamaga ang dila.

Mag-ingat sa lechon. Nakamamatay.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published August 21, 2017.)

TRIPTIKO (Miguel Franco Michelena, 2017)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

What a joke (and the joke was on us)!! These three episodes could have worked better as ten-minute shorts instead.

The only one that I kinda liked was Musikerong John because of its Twilight Zone feels, but everything else just felt like extended gags.

If your idea of weirdness was seeing Joseph Marco chug down a thimbleful of nana that came from his own pigsa, then this dark comedy would be right up your alley.

I’m staying away from anything Bavarian forever.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published August 21, 2017.)

BAR BOYS (Kip Oebanda, 2017)

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Taking the Bar might be a more pleasurable experience. I could watch the great Odette Khan trying to make an affecting Carlo Aquino pee in his seat for an hour, but there just wasn’t enough going on here. And in what world is Sebastian Castro considered chakabelles?

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published August 17, 2017.)

ANG PAMILYANG HINDI LUMULUHA (Mes de Guzman, 2017)

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One long and badly-edited sitcom. It would have been more bearable if most of the jokes (in the vein of Dolphy and Babalu circa 90s) were actually funny, except that they weren’t. I had more laughs watching The Lilian Velez Story.

Sharon Cuneta’s dramatic breakdown scene during the latter part of the movie reeked so much of desperation. She hopelessly attempted to out-uhog Viola Davis for that coveted Balanghai.

Even worse, people would most likely remember Moi Bien’s performance.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published August 9, 2017.)

BAGAHE (Zig Dulay, 2017)

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Angeli Bayani for all the awards!! She was just so good that it felt like I was watching (and personally knew) Mercy the entire time.

I really liked how the first half made the audience go through the entire investigation process. I felt embarrassed and violated and I almost fainted when she had that actual (?) blood test.

The second half felt a bit aimless and too on the nose with its constant explanations (at least now I know the adoption guidelines for an abandoned baby). It was unfortunate that it didn’t know when and how to end the movie.

Also, that ensemble with some of the most amazing character actors in Philippine cinema! Wow!!

Rating: ★★★☆☆

(Originally published August 9, 2017.)

HAUNTED FOREST (Ian Loreños, 2017)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Haunted Forest:

1. This movie is shaping up to be one of the worst movies of 2017 so I will just provide a blow-by-blow so that you can all save your money. Obviously, spoilers ahead.

2. So the first twenty minutes consisted of a gagamba running after a taong grasa played by Jerald Napoles. As the resident baliw, he was blamed for the death of a woman hanging from a tree even if obvious naman na hindi niya kaya magpulupot ng thick branches ng puno (can anyone?).

3. Raymart Santiago and his bitchy daughter Jane Oineza went to the province for vacation (or prolly to do some soul-searching) after the death of his cancer-stricken wife. They stayed at the house of Maris Racal and Beverly Salviejo (and it’s a mystery how she’s related to them).

4. All the women in town are fond of wearing white kamison while strolling the haunted forest at night. Yes, this is a Mother Lily-produced movie.

5.

Maris: Di naman ako mahilig sa social media kaya ok lang kahit walang signal sa bahay.

Maris after looking at Jane’s iPhone: Uy, add mo naman ako diyan!!

6. Joey Marquez plays a cop with a habit of hitting suspects at will. I’d like to say that his character’s trapped in a Pinoy 90s sitcom, but he very much seems to fit right in the current police force.

7. Ok, mukhang gorilla yung killer.

8. Sample conflict…

Maris: Naku, naiwan ang bawang! Paano ako maggigisa nito?

9. Sumakay si Jane sa dimples ni Jameson Blake para balikan ang naiwang bawang. Kaso naabutan sila ng malakas na ulan. Walang silong kaya basang-basa sila. Sabay labas si Jameson ng panyo.

Jameson: Eto, punasan na lang kita.

Seryoso??!

10. Kanina umihi sina Joey at Raymart sa gilid ng kalsada. Ngayon naman umiihi si Jane sa damuhan. Eh kaya kayo minumulto kasi di kayo marunong magpasintabi sa mga nuno. Mga bastos!

11. One sequence looked like the director was just having fun with a Snapchat filter. Hihihi!

12. Hirap ng role ni Jane. Her character fainted for the fourth time already. On the other hand, it’s the third time I’m trying not to fall asleep.

13. I probably would have been more scared of Myrtle Sarrosa’s dead character if she didn’t look like she was wearing the wrong shade of foundation and just forgot to brush her hair.

14. So the sitsit was supposed to eat Jane, but changed his mind when he saw Raymart. May sensual wagging of the tongue involved pa. Should we consider this as a step forward for equal representation of the LGBTQ community in local cinema?

15. So ayun na nga dinukot na ng sitsit ang gusto niyang dukutin kay Raymart. Tegi.

16. Everyone knew the tree where the sitsit lived but the townspeople decided to do a prayover around it instead. Nobody bothered to burn or cut it down. Until today.

17.

Jane to sitsit: Hoy! Magpakita kita!

After magpakita…

Everyone: Takbooooooo!!

Tengene.

18. Ayan happy ending na for Jane. Masaya siya kasi kahit napatay ng sitsit ang tatay niya nagka-lovelife naman siya sa probinsiya. Hindi na nga naman masama.

The end. Leche.

19. Ay buti di ako agad umalis. May mid-credits sequence. Buhay pa ang sitsit at lumipat sa katawan ng bangkero. Ready for a sequel kaso mukhang flop. Paano na?

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published January 3, 2018.)