My notes on Liwanag sa Dilim:

1. A lot of Pinoy movie titles are usually famous pop songs that sometimes I wonder if people actually create a concept or screenplay out of them. This movie seems to be a prime example. I can only imagine the writer listening to the radio when Rivermaya’s hit song came on and a lightbulb went off for him to write a story about an aswang terrorizing a small village. I can’t wait for the serendipitous rom-com set in UP based on Sarah Geronimo’s Ikot-Ikot.

2. Jake Vargas played the son of Sunshine Cruz but he kept calling her “Ma’m”. I wasn’t paying too much attention so he might actually have been playing a houseboy.

3. Although this was a fantasy movie, did the characters really have to be complete caricatures? And why was everyone shouting their lines like there was no tomorrow? Terrible acting across the board.

4. Bea Binene had the unfortunate name of Bea Binene but she did look good onscreen. When she opened her mouth though, she gave a whole new meaning to “boses pekpek”.

5. One scene required Vargas to strip down to his boxers before swimming in a batis (actually a waterfall). It made me put down my tub of popcorn and re-examine all my baby fats.

6. Rico Blanco played a local cop and I could only assume that he was given the role for easier licensing agreements.

7. This was the kind of movie where a character would hide behind a rock to avoid the aswang but still loudly say “Please, please sana di niya ako makita!” just in case the audience was so stupid not to notice that he was fearing for his life.

8. Several scenes reminded me so much of Erik Matti’s much superior Aswang Chronicles. And those didn’t have a lot of laughable MMA-style action sequences involving an aswang in a chokehold. Seriously.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published February 15, 2015.)




My notes on Enteng Kabisote 10 and the Abangers:

1. I already wasted two hours of my life watching this movie and I figured that I wouldn’t want to waste more time writing down these notes, but then it would be a crime not to share my grueling experience and let other people suffer the same fate. So let me start with these brilliant lines that might convince you to rethink that planned family bonding to the cinema:

• Joey de Leon as Pandoy, Alalay ng Panday: “Pang-araw lang yun kaya Pang-Day. Ang pangalan ko kapag gabi, Pang-Gay.” And then he swished and sashayed down the corridor. Groan.

• Ken Chan and Bea Binene getting scared from an approaching villain: “May tatlong bibe akong nakita. Mataba, mapayat, mga bibe.” HUH?! Groan.

• Vic Sotto on Aiza Seguerra: “Akalain mo mahilig pala sa itlog ang batang yun.” Groan.

• An employee of Enteng Kabisote Robotics introducing the new Iron Man-like costume: “Eto ang bagong Kalba Kalba Kalba Kameleon.” Groan.

• Bossing to his four employees speaking in unison: “Nag-duet pa kayong apat ha!” HUH?! Groan.

2. As a huge fan of the Okay Ka, Fairy Ko TV series, I could only cry in my seat while seeing this tenth film installment mutate into the lamest Marvel wannabe. Ina Magenta had the right instincts about Enteng Kabisote after all. The ending even had the gall to hint at another sequel. Kapag natuloy ito, ako na mismo ang magsisimula ng Infinity War.

3. Infer, ang lakas maka-gwapo ng ash silver hair ni Bossing. I might try that shade soon.

4. Poor Epy Quizon was in full acting na acting mode even if his character didn’t really have much to do except be included in an embarrassing battle sequence ala Mortal Kombat set to the Tatlong Bibe Remix.

5. Most of the jokes were as outdated as Pandoy. The extended walling montage set to April Boy Regino’s Di Ko Kayang Tanggapin was just annoying. That Madam Oring line? Eek! And they still had a stale Pabebe Girls reference. Wala na talagang ibang maisip?

6. Why were Alden Richards and Maine Mendoza (in ugly heavy eyeliner! as a huge fan, I am incensed beyond belief) inserted in every Bohol scene even if their characters didn’t really serve any purpose? How many times did Bossing have to ask the perennial “Kayo na ba?” question before it started getting old? Were the filmmakers scared to shortchange AlDub Nation lest they get burned at the stakes set up in Kamuning?

7. If there was one good thing here, I only noticed a single product placement (for O+). Consider that one tiny step for mankind.

8. I couldn’t stop laughing at the drones that looked like they were purchased from CD-R King. Also, why did the team spend a lot of time assembling one drone when Oyo Boy Sotto’s character could magically reproduce the same thing pala?

9. During the climactic fight scene, laser beams were shooting out of Bossing’s groin while he furiously pumped his hips (or more appropriately, made kadyot motions).

Yes, this is really the kind of family movie that kids should be watching for Christmas.

‪Rating: ★☆☆☆☆‬