MOVIE REVIEW: MERCURY IS MINE (Jason Paul Laxamana, 2016)

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An enjoyably weird ride that unfortunately went off the rails in its final twenty minutes.

I loved the screenplay because it didn’t try too hard to be funny. It also hit the jackpot with Pokwang who was truly phenomenal here.

Bret Jackson finally gave a decent performance. He had an easygoing charm that suited the role and (please don’t scoff) actually reminded me of a manic Leonardo DiCaprio.

Overall, this was a definite crowd-pleaser and I wouldn’t be surprised if it snagged the Audience Choice award.

Rating: ★★★★☆

(Originally published August 9, 2016.)

MOVIE REVIEW: YOUR PLACE OR MINE? (Joel Lamangan, 2015)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Your Place or Mine?:

1. I am done with Andi Eigenmann movies. I can’t recall anything she’s made that’s worth comparing even to the lamest film of brilliant mom Jaclyn Jose. This latest one should have been called Tragic Theater, Too.

2. Bret Jackson played a guy allergic to clothes and I guess those topless shots were supposed to console the female/gay viewers that shelled out money to watch this. His wooden performance was a notch worse than Aljur Abrenica and the only time he really came to life was in those scenes where he sucked Andi’s face off.

3. So Andi (I didn’t even bother remembering the characters’ names) was heartbroken and really drunk in a bar. A stranger approached her and asked that he take her home. Bret intervened, pretended to be her boyfriend, and took Andi to her car saying that it was a good thing he saved her from possible harm. Andi then threw up so Bret brought her to his apartment, changed her soiled clothes with a towel, and tucked her in bed. Drunk Andi was horny so she teased Bret with her tribal dance moves and they eventually had sex. So he still ended up taking advantage of a drunk girl. And that’s supposed to be a love story.

4. Andi’s family was apparently bankrupt and yet she wasn’t too concerned about the expensive car that she left at Bret’s condo after their one night stand. She even went straight to school after the incident. At least this girl knew her priorities.

5. Bret’s ex-girlfriend suddenly showed up to provide conflict but the only problem I saw was that her hair was chopped up by a hairstylist waiting for a lawsuit. It was short in front and long in the back with bangs everywhere. Even Billy Ray Cyrus would have laughed.

6. Why do these rich kids go to a club after school without even changing their clothes? That’s just eww.

7. Since this was a Joel Lamangan movie, there was a long sermon regarding love and fixed marriages spewed by a lawyer and/or doctor who also took a course in Matchmaking and Compatibility.

Dr. Matchmaker: “47% lang ang compatibility ng dalawang ito.”

Jackie Lou Blanco (Andi’s mom): “Eh ano ibig sabihin nun pag kinasal sila?”

Audience (muttering): “Tanga.”

8. After 30 years of watching Pinoy movies, I never thought that I’d still be hearing the line “May matinong babae ba na umuuwi ng alas-tres ng madaling araw?”

9. I guess I just didn’t get why Bret’s family would still want an arranged marriage with Andi when her family supposedly was 1 billion (for real!) in debt. How was this a marriage of convenience?

10. The tale of the disappearing hickeys.

11. Bret to Andi on his favorite dish: “Paborito ko talaga ang chicken pork adobo. Kelangan may chicken. Kelangan may pork.”

At kelangan inadobo?

Oh, and at one point Andi had to really learn how to cook the dish so the movie suddenly turned into a cooking show with Yaya Luring giving instructions. “O ilagay ang chicken. O ilagay ang pork. O ilagay ang suka. O ilagay ang toyo.”

Chef Rosebud would be so proud.

12. If there was one thing that was not so bad in the entire movie, it was Andre Paras. He was actually cute and charming and I could really see him flourishing in (better) romantic comedies.

13. In one scene, Andi was alternately using a fork and a soup spoon. How could the production not even notice this continuity error?

14. “Ma, hindi ako plano. Tao ako. Anak mo ako.”

And at that point, my brain just decided to shut down.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published May 3, 2015.)

MOVIE REVIEW: THIS TIME (Nuel Naval, 2016)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on This Time:

1. I could easily relate to Ava’s (Nadine Lustre) hate for summer. It was bad enough that the six-pack abs that I wished for last Christmas did not magically show up this month in time for Laboracay (I hate you Santa!), this was also my dreaded season of extreme sunshine and salty sweating. Her reason was completely different from mine, of course: her assumed childhood boyfriend Coby only visited (and left her) every summer, but hey, if James Reid (How to be you po?) were to spend time with anyone even for just a day, that person would be eternally thankful. Show some gratitude girl! (You didn’t even wish that from Santa!)

2. With a coffin on display in their sala and with the family living in a funeral home (named Buhay Funeral Homes, naturally), I got a lot of the Six Feet Under vibe. Except that Frances Conroy never really danced like a loon around a corpse (although she should have).

The dining table was right next to the sala and the family had what looked like dinuguan and bopis for lunch. I could never imagine myself eating dinuguan and bopis inside a funeral home. Wait, I could never imagine myself eating dinuguan and bopis. Period.

3. The Buhay Family was supposed to be funny, but they were just annoying. Candy Pangilinan who was spectacular in Star Na Si Van Damme Stallone resorted back to her irritating tics as a comedian with the belief that the louder she said her line, the funnier it would be. (Uh, no.) Also, why did these supporting characters always say supposedly funny lines in unison? Are we forever stuck with this kind of comedy?

4. Nadine was really playing Marcelo Santos III with all her endless hugot lines and empty platitudes on love and long-distance relationships. These were some of her groan-worthy bon mots:

• “Ang love ay parang traffic. Susuot ka kung saan-saan pero mararating mo rin ang destinasyon mo.”

• “Sa pagiging loyal ko nga dapat may loyalty card na ako na may points eh.”

Of course her loud and shrill friends (Ultimate Kakaibabe Donnalyn Bartolome, etc.) had to contribute their own terrible lines that included this classic:

“Ang relationship na walang label, parang damit sa ukay. Ang labo!” (Huh? Malabo yung damit sa ukay? Labhan mo kasi teh!)

4. Why did Ava really hate summer? Cue flashback. Include a lengthy story about Ava and Coby as kids because we terribly need a filler to support such a simple love story. Flashbacks should have a comic book effect. The Marvel-er, the better. Throw in the Snapchat filters because they’re so cool nowadays! Wait, we need a beach scene. Ok, sa Japan naman! When does this flashback end? What? End na ng movie? Ano ‘to ukay? Bakit ang labo?

5. The only ice cream that ever existed in this universe was Selecta Cornetto. I was surprised that it didn’t have its own major billing in the credits. It had a more substantial role (and acted better) than Bret Jackson, to be honest.

6. The first young boy that played James didn’t look like him at all. The teenage Nadine, on the other hand, looked exactly like her because it was really Nadine, only in pigtails, dressed in overalls, and acting immature.

7. I couldn’t actually recall crying over the break-up of celebrities. Hmm, okay, I think I teared up a bit when Kris Aquino broke it off with Joey Marquez, but only because my ears could only handle all the STD talk.

In this movie, we knew the passage of time because Ava cried every time a celebrity couple called it quits (Jen & Brad, Zac & Vanessa). Oh, and also because of the local history on popular diseases (H1N1). Fortunately, there was no mention of STD.

8. Full disclosure: I had never really liked a JaDine movie. Diary ng Panget was icky and that Talk Back one made me wish I were dead. I became an instant fan because of On The Wings of Love, where their scorching chemistry was in full display. It was still here in this movie, only it wasn’t given enough to really shine. A great love team could only do so much to salvage terrible material. The first kiss didn’t elicit any kilig, the pottery scene was a bore, and the final painting scene (while they were wearing white, que horror said my OCD self!) was pure umay.

9. For the first time in Philippine cinema history, I saw the brilliant Ronnie Lazaro struggle in a role and it was for playing a gay guy who loved dogs. How sad. Speaking of, if you know a bachelor with dogs that they call babies and you’re wondering why he’s still single…

10. If there was one thing that I really liked here, it was that sweet little sub-plot involving Nova Villa and Freddie Webb (reminiscent of their romance in 1st Ko Si 3rd, or if you’re way older Chicks to Chicks). Their love story set amidst the cherry blossoms was everything that this movie wanted to be.

11. “Ayoko na kausap ang monitor, ayoko na kayakap ang iPad, ayoko na ka-kiss ang cellphone.” This line made me sad. Only because this girl was really cray. Eh di wag mo gawin, girl!

Rating: ★★☆☆☆