MOVIE REVIEW: CHUB CHASER (Crisaldo Pablo, Remar Mallari, Bobby Galura, Jonathan Batoy, 2010)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

Ano ba ‘tong mga pinapanood ko? Damn you, COVID-19!!

Obviously gay fantasy ito kasi bawal magsuot ng underwear ang mga lalaki. If ever meron man suot, kelangan hubarin bago lumabas ng frame ang characters. Ang mga roommates kelangan sabay-sabay maligo sa isang banyo tapos kanya-kanyang frontal nudity paglabas. Lahat nangyayari habang may soft-core porn music sa background. (It took four directors to come up with this??)

Medyo weird lang kasi hindi siya tungkol sa isang chub chaser kundi sa isang chabelita (named Chubi, naturally). Nakakalungkot yung reality na sobrang discriminated sa gay community yung chubs tulad ng effems and bottoms. Kaya every time makipag-hook up si Chubi dito eh lagi siyang rejected. Kahit matandang kalbo yung ni-meet niya eh nilait pa siya at tinawag na majubis. Sayang hindi na-explore ang theme kasi ang objective lang naman talaga ng pelikula eh to satisfy your queeriosity (meaning kebs sa art of filmmaking basta may gratuitous gay sex and nudity every twenty minutes).

Mas magaling pa umarte yung mga high school classmates ko kesa sa cast nito (maliban kay Pinoy Pink Film Kween Chamyto Aguedan). Parang on the spot lang pinag-isipan yung mga sequences. Ang haba ng mga eksena na naglalakad lang ang mga potential hook-ups ni Chubi papunta sa apartment niya. Kaya din siguro tumataba siya kasi naubos na niya ang isang bag ng Clover Chips bago pa sila makarating.

Fat people deserve some love, too? Tell me something I don’t personally know.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

MOVIE REVIEW: CAMPUS CRUSH (Crisaldo Pablo, 2009)

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Signs that you’re probably watching a local queer B-movie (which, let’s admit it, has its own special place in Philippine cinema):

• The boys in the swim team wearing oh-so-skimpy trunks like they were stage-ready for their production of Total Eclipse of the Heart in White Bird

• A public shower room scene where three swimmers would rather share one spout while rubbing their really wet bodies

• Cute cotton candy pink school uniforms for guys, approved by Britney Spears

• The iconic Chamyto Aguedan

• Copious amounts of male frontal nudity (that weirdly reminded me of Pampanga’s Best) and gratuitous sex in the most unexpected places (e.g. utility room next to cans of Boysen paint)

• Sample dialogue: “Gwapo ka pero pokpok ka!!”

• La La Fish Crackers product placement

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆