MOVIE REVIEW: WHITE HOUSE DOWN (Roland Emmerich, 2013)

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Say something funny because people are dying! Cheese has never been this rotten.

This reeked of a typical Pinoy action movie. I can’t wait for the MMFF version with Jorge Estregan, Jr. and Cesar Montano.

Because there’s always time to be funny in emergency situations. Worst movie I’ve seen this year so far.

The audience seemed to enjoy it, though. There were a lot of cheers and applause in our screening. Don’t let me stop you.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published July 8, 2013.)

MOVIE REVIEW: MAGIC MIKE XXL (Gregory Jacobs, 2015)

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You watch Channing Tatum doing a slick dance to Ginuwine’s Pony and you just know that life is not fair.

As a furniture maker, I wonder how many wooden chairs and tables he has broken from dry humping them. Talk about drilling.

Although there were several moments of cheeky fun (one of them set to the Backstreet Boys’ I Want It That Way), this road trip film felt a bit confused.

It glorified stripping like it was the most noble profession slash true art form slash the American dream slash easy money.

But who were we kidding? You just wanted to see those abs and dirty moves and the last ten minutes made it worth your one dollar bills.

Open ka ba sa stripping?

Rating: ★★★☆☆

(Originally published July 8, 2015.)

MOVIE REVIEW: SIDE EFFECTS (Steven Soderbergh, 2013)

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Interesting thriller that might have worked better if it wasn’t paced like Solaris.

Woman’s married to Channing Tatum and she’s still depressed and suicidal. There’s a scientific term for her condition: crazy.

Kidding aside, this is a mildly entertaining thriller dealing with depression and prescription drugs. To say more would ruin the fun.

Rating: ★★★☆☆

(Originally published June 9, 2013.)

MOVIE REVIEW: 21 JUMP STREET (Phil Lord, Christopher Miller 2012)

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Yes, the jokes bordered on infantile and corny. Yes, it was full of gratuitous profanity, sex, and violence. Yes, it was a remake of the Johnny Depp series that most of us probably didn’t remember. And yes, it was just laugh-out-loud funny.

Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill was such a great match that their perfect blend of slapstick comedy and broad humor made this one of the best and most enjoyable popcorn movies of the year.

I demand a sequel already.

Rating: ★★★★☆

(Originally published May 19, 2012.)

MOVIE REVIEW: JUPITER ASCENDING (Andy Wachowski, Lana Wachowski, 2015)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Jupiter Ascending:

1. I was so happy that this movie wasn’t Eddie Redmayne’s Norbit. It was weird how much he sounded like Stephen Hawking here still with that low slow rasp. Or at least somebody who smoked five packs of cigarettes every day. You were so lucky, Eddie. Love the freckles, by the way.

2. All the aliens spoke English. At least it would be easy for us to communicate with them. Asking for directions in Jupiter would never be a problem.

3. Channing Tatum with pointy ears still looked a hundred times better than me. You know what they say about people with big ears, they also have a long… life. What were you thinking?

4. Another box office bomb from The Wachowskis. I never liked any of their movies after The Matrix (and yes, that included the lame sequels). Are they now the M. Night Shyamalan of sci-fi?

5. Sean Bean dies in almost everything that he does (Goldeneye, The Hitcher, Lord of the Rings, Equilibrium, Game of Thrones, just to name a few) so I was happy to see that his survival rate increased because of this movie.

6. I’m terrified of bees. I’ve been stung before and it has to be one of the most horrible experiences ever along with the extraction of all my wisdom teeth. The scene where Mila Kunis was swarmed with bees made the audience squeal with delight but left me gasping for air in my seat.

7. If there’s anything beautiful in this movie, that would have to be the gorgeous gowns worn by Kunis, especially the Swarovski-studded wedding dress created by Michael Cinco. Stunning, just stunning.

8. “Why do I easily fall for men that fall for me?” Raise your hand if you can relate!

9. So Tatum had his wings cut off and earned them back after a job well done? I wonder what Maleficent has to say about that.

10. You’ll have more fun riding the Rialto at Enchanted Kingdom. Not kidding.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published March 1, 2015.)

MOVIE REVIEW: THE VOW (Michael Sucsy, 2012)

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I am happy and in love.

With that said, I didn’t fall one bit for this sickly-sweet love story that will surely melt hearts this Valentine season. As soon as the words “inspired by a true story” appeared onscreen, I knew what I was in for.

There were so many unbelievable clichés thrown in that you’d completely understand why they had to start with that disclaimer.

Channing Tatum may have looked the romantic lead part but he was definitely not equipped to play it (and no, gratuitous nudity doesn’t fall under the “equipped” part).

There were some good moments in there but very much like a fling, most of the film was completely forgettable.

In the scale of romantic movies, this one was closer to the execrable Dear John than the uber-cheesy but more heartfelt The Notebook.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published February 14, 2012.)

MOVIE REVIEW: MAGIC MIKE (Steven Soderbergh, 2012)

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If you’re coming in as a voyeur expecting lots of skin, you might be a bit disappointed. Don’t get me wrong, there’s still a lot of nudity, but interestingly enough the movie has more under its belt.

Forget the stripper with a heart of gold story, this one tackles the lengths that an Average Joe (wait, is Channing Tatum still considered an Average Joe?) will go to in these trying times of a recession.

(The greedy film distributor brutally murdered the local version for a more audience-friendly rating but at least we have something to look forward to on DVD.)

Rating: ★★★★☆

(Originally published August 1, 2012.)