WILD AND FREE (Connie Macatuno, 2018)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Wild and Free:

1. Umpisa pa lang hindi ko na mapigilan ang lakas ng tawa ko. Ang eksena kasi nasa loob ng sasakyan ang ex-lovers na sina Jake (Derrick Monasterio, whose performance was as stiff as an erection) at Ellie (Sanya Lopez) tapos more reminiscing sila about their past.

Kaso napaka-obvious na may nagtutulak sa gilid ng kotse para kunwari tumatakbo siya. Yung mapapaisip ka bakit sa exterior overhead shots eh ang smooth ng road na dinadaanan nila pero sa interior shots eh para silang nalulubak every two seconds.

2. Anyway, mukhang bagay naman ang ugali ng characters nila. Si ate gurl yung tipong napakaingay kapag ngumunguya. Yung parang pang-porn or mga nakakairitang ASMR vids sa lakas.

Tapos si koya (aka “Mr. Laway”) naman nakabukas ang bibig mag-chew ng White Rabbit. Feeling sexy ang kumag na kahit nalaglag na ang candy galing sa bibig niya, sinubo niya ulit kasi wala pa naman daw ten seconds. Gusto ko sila regaluhan ng GMRC for Christmas.

3. So apparently si Ellie ay ex-girlfriend din ng older brother ni Jake. Nung big reveal scene, nalaman nung nanay (Cheska Diaz, stuck in 90’s overacting mode) na natuhog ni ate gurl ang panganay (who’s dead btw) at bunso niya pero deadma lang kasi mas importante ang 80th birthday ng lola nila. Saang planeta nagaganap ang alternate reality na ito?

4. Sample words of wisdom ni Ellie: “Eh ano naman kung rebound? Diba nga sa basketball yun ang dapat na hindi pinapakawalan?“.

Ganyan ang reasoning niya kasi mas masarap naman daw si Jake kesa sa kuya nito (did I mention that he’s already dead??).

Huy gurl, technical foul ka!!

5. And the much-hyped erotic scenes? Ano ba eh nag-pump nga until climax si Jake na hindi man lang naghuhubad ng pantalon niya. Tapos dun sa isang sex scene naisipan ni Ellie na mag-multitask so ni-on niya ang washing machine habang sinisibasib siya sa ibabaw nito para nga naman tapos na ang labada niya after nila makaraos. Oh diba, ibang level ng hitting two birds (wink, wink) yan.

(Side note: Maraming salamat Netflix at ang laki ng natitipid ko sa’yo, although sobrang lugi pa rin ng feeling ko.)

6. Halos lahat problematic sa pelikulang ito (kung saan macho at admirable ang chauvinism ng mga lalaki habang boba at subservient ang role ng mga babae).

I haven’t even touched on the couple’s very toxic relationship. Hindi naman sila mukhang in love talaga. Sex lang ang reason ng connection nila. Tapos puro irrational hallucinations si Jake kahit di naman siya sabog. Mabilis din na-resolve ang conflicts nila at nakalimutan na may sexual assault na naganap para lang sa requisite happy ending. How romantic!!

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

MAMA’S GIRL (Connie Macatuno, 2018)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Mama’s Girl:

1. I think it was Maricel Soriano in T2 who held the record for the most number of times that a Pinoy character mentioned another character’s name in the entire duration of a movie. My ears were bleeding by the nth time she screamed “Angeli!”.

I thought that I would suffer the same fate while watching this one. Every time Mina (Sylvia Sanchez, transitioning from Nay to Mama) would mention “Abbypotpot”, I would cringe and just wanted to crawl in a fetal position. It wasn’t merely annoying, the unnecessary repetition rendered the inauthenticity of this term of endearment.

2. Should I feel like a monster for not appreciating a movie that showcased the undying love of a mother? One where Mama Mina actually pulled a Bea Alonzo as The Incredible Hulk in She’s The One and singlehandedly changed a flat tire in the rain?

I’d put the blame on Abbypotpot (Sofia Andres), a character devoid of empathy because she was just so stubborn, selfish, ungrateful, and acted like the biggest privileged B (I meant brat, by the way). And that was even before her mother’s death so there was just no excuse for her terrible attitude.

3. Or maybe it was because this one completely ripped off P.S. I Love You, one of my most-watched post-breakup comfort movies. I thought of it first when she started seeing her dead mother doing normal things while dispensing life lessons, but it was made more obvious when it was revealed that said mom also left a box of five letters with carefully written instructions that she needed to follow step-by-step. Pati voiceover kuhang-kuha at kulang na lang talaga si Gerard Butler. So much for originality.

4. Part of the box’s contents was a set of index cards that had the secret recipes of Mama Mina’s successful Pasta House. I wasn’t sure why she didn’t make habilin before her death, especially if said recipes could make or break her pasta empire. Wouldn’t it have been easier to teach in person the proper way to slice tomatoes or how big each meatball should be? If she had time to write each note, surely she could have found an hour for a quick kitchen tutorial.

5. I wasn’t surprised when the restaurant business crumbled after her death. None of her staff knew that they were serving items that were considered panis (“Maasim na daw po yung lasa”). Seriously, only Mama Mina would know if something was spoiled already? Not even the chef/cook tasted the food before it went out of the kitchen? And to make matters worse, the solution they came up with to pacify these complaints was to offer a complimentary cake. Sana hindi rin panis diba?

6. I think this would be the fifth film that starred Jameson Blake that I had seen in a span of one year, but definitely no complaints here. As Zak, a supposedly famous rock star slash cheating ex-boyfriend of Abbypotpot, his scenes were usually punctuated by drum sounds for added effect (“It’s over!” Drum sounds. “Slap!” Drum sounds.)

At least he could play a rock in his next film and I would pay to watch it without any reservations.

7. For a story about motherly love, there was too much time spent on the landian between Abbypotpot and best friend Nico (Diego Loyzaga). He kept calling her Budz and I really thought it was short for Budjoy because they were basically playing the reversed roles of Ned and Budjoy in Labs Kita Okay Ka Lang?. Unfortunately, I was rooting for Zak the entire time.

8. While other mothers would ask their kids not to cry upon their death, Mama Mina’s loving advice to Abbypotpot was “Hindi pa ako patay. Tipirin mo na lang ang mga luha mo sa libing ko.” Eek!

9. Sofia’s a lovely girl, but the abundance of her pink blush here gave new meaning to pumuputok. At least she looked very much like a #VavaengMarangal.

10. Upon reading the words “Ang pagluluto ay parang pagmamahal. Kelangan bantayan at kapag hindi ka marunong pumili ng mga sangkap, lahat mababalewala”, Abbypotpot magically turned into a chef that could save their restaurant business. Nahiya bigla ang lahat ng Culinary Arts students.

Kelangan lang pala mag-practice to the tune of With a Smile. Pasok Reese Lansangan. “Lurft yer herd, bheybee durn’t buhr scurred…”

Rating: ★★☆☆☆