FIFTY SHADES FREED (James Foley, 2018)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Fifty Shades Freed:

1. When Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson; were you expecting anyone else?) said something like “Look around! There’s nothing but boobs as far as the eyes can see. It’s Boobs in Boobsland!”, she could very well have been referring to her own movie. For a supposed chick flick, there was just way too many scenes of Dakota’s exposed breasts that I couldn’t help but silently scream “Utong na loob please!” or “Utong ina! Yan na naman!” every time they would make an appearance. I swear, this movie gave a whole new meaning to the word “buyangyang”. Scarred me for life, too.

2. Although this one wanted to be a sex-thriller with a subplot about a stalker (the smartest, slickest and most invincible fiction editor ever!) who was threatening their lives, I was more bothered that Anastasia was no longer using her brand new rose gold iPhone that she received as a sweet gift in the last movie. Her Macbook seemed to be missing as well. Geez, nagka-jowa lang ng mayaman nagwaldas na agad ng pera!

This was the same reason why I never really fell for her still-innocent facade here, like her faux bewilderment upon seeing the Grey private jet (“You own this?”). Oh please, drop the naive virgin act gurl! How could you still be surprised by how rich your new husband was when he basically bought your entire publishing company just because he wanted to? And let’s not forget that he crashed a personal helicopter as well in the last installment. Enough of this arte. You’re no Laida Magtalas!

3. If Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) was a billionaire, how could he not afford some decent bodyguards? The one person that he hired to protect his wife was so pathetic that basically everyone else was able to outsmart, outrun, and even outdrive him (to be fair, Anastasia could do a mean parallel park so…). Even worse, the Matt Bomer-lookalike actor that played him looked more Christian Grey than the actual Christian Grey. How sad.

Better security could have prevented the assault of Anastasia that left her in a coma (after just a mag-asawang sampal and a kick in her pregnant stomach, really??). Rita Ora should be thankful though since it gave her an additional (albeit still forgettable) scene that displayed her best acting work since last season’s America’s Next Top Model.

4. Why was he being such a big baby over her pregnancy? I could understand him disrupting a professional meeting just to complain about her not wanting to change her name on the work email, but I just didn’t get all the fuss about him being a total loon about the baby. No, let me correct that. He was jealous of the baby. His own baby. What happened to being a (kinky) Prince Charming?

5. Precision. Style. Comfort. The new Audi Quattro. And if the Fast & Furious style mini-commercials weren’t enough, they just had to include a scene where Anastasia toyed with Christian’s stick shift. At least I finally discovered his flaw when he blew his load during that car sex scene after a mere ten seconds of pumping (not gas, obviously).

6. Oh and those terrible sex scenes were a fitting end to this flaccid series! What happened to the perverse/deviant aspect? One involved a vibrator that resulted in… what’s the female equivalent of blue balls? Blue clit? There was another one where he spread ice cream on her vajayjay and started to lick it off and I swear my tongue made a deep dive into my esophagus and I almost choked to death watching a silly S&M movie (how apt!).

At least this one further supported the basic fact that cheesy porn was meant to be enjoyed alone in the comfort of one’s own home where you wouldn’t hear the shocked person behind you mistaking a butt plug for a spoon (“Kutsara ba yan?”). Ate, stay out of my kitchen!!

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

FIFTY SHADES OF GREY (Sam Taylor-Johnson, 2015)

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My notes on Fifty Shades of Grey:

1. The lights in the cinema dimmed and all of the women started screaming. I knew then that this would be a dreadful experience. If you’re a fan of the book, nothing should stop you from watching anyway.

2. Why was Christian Grey giving me this American Psycho vibe? Actually, I would have preferred it if he were more of Patrick Bateman. For all his sexual fetishes, he still looked completely bland and…normal.

3. I guess the biggest problem was casting Jamie Dornan in the lead role. The character of Grey needed someone more charismatic or appealing. Don’t get me wrong, Dornan looked good but I was expecting a stunner. Grey should be someone so magnetic that he can lead you in his playroom of whips and chains and you would be the one to offer getting tied up. And what’s with that weird European accent?

4. On the opposite end of the spectrum was Dakota Johnson. She was just so gorgeous onscreen (like Charlotte Gainsbourg’s younger sister) that I probably would have enjoyed a role reversal. I obviously haven’t read the book so here’s hoping that happened in the next two sequels. I have to say that I wasn’t a fan of her armpits, though. They looked roughly-shaven and yes, smelly. (I’m judgmental like that.)

5. So most of the sex scenes had to be blurred or blocked because apparently we’re old enough to do it but not to actually see it. And this time, we don’t even get to blame the MTRCB because the film distributor took it upon themselves to censor the movie before submitting it for classification. We’ve seen a lot of frontal nudity and sex scenes with an R-16 rating lately (even Lust, Caution was shown in its entirety here and that was truly erotic). I really didn’t understand this move at all.

6. I mean sex was obviously the theme (and selling point) of the movie. Where else can you hear words like butt plug? Once you start blocking that out, then what would be left? The story? Who watches porn for the story?

7. Even Christian Grey thinks that Beyonce by Beyonce should have won the Grammy for Album of the Year.

8. I loved the casting of Jennifer Ehle and Marcia Gay Harden as the too young to be the couple’s mothers. If the story had more of them, I bet they would have made the movie more interesting.

9. “Laters, baby” not only made me cringe but it also elicited a lot of shrieking typical in a KathNiel movie. Calm down, ladies!

10. Grey knew how to do a mean braid. Beyonce and braiding. It must be very easy to convince him to transition to the other side.

11. Did the room really have to be so dark during the contract signing? Were they owls?

12. If you want much better movies dealing with the same themes, I suggest you watch Steven Shainberg’s Secretary (where James Spader also played a Mr. Grey) or the previously mentioned Ang Lee’s Lust, Caution. All of the things in this movie would be considered child stuff with those films.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published February 15, 2015.)

FIFTY SHADES DARKER (James Foley, 2017)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on 50 Shades Darker:

1. After two films, my biggest problem with this series remained to be Jamie Dornan in the role of Christian Grey. Not even his six-pack abs (from his pommel horse workouts?) could distract me from the fact that he wasn’t the incredibly sexy and attractive billionaire lothario that was promised in this ultimate female wish fulfillment fantasy.

He just looked incredibly bored, bland (ooh, like vanilla!), and forgettable amidst all the kinky fuckery. No wonder the lady in front of me was trying to Google him way after the movie had started.

2. Did the director really know the target audience of this chick flick? Weirdly, it actually felt like he was trying to draw in the male crowd with the copious breast exposures of Dakota Johnson as Anastasia Steele (definitely not the nude johnson women were expecting) and endless scenes of having her panties taken off (I couldn’t understand why she wore them in the first place when she was obviously allergic to them).

Also, why did Christian keep his pants on in almost every sex scene? Asking for a friend.

3. I liked this slightly better than the first (in no shape or form a compliment) simply because it fully embraced its seemingly trashy roots. While the first one desperately wanted to be an artful BDSM movie, this one didn’t even bother trying.

Instead it gave us lots of gratuitous nudity and sex (I choked on my Zagu when she asked him to kiss her on the pepe, how romantic!, and let’s not get started on that elevator finger scene) and taught us the proper usage of vaginal beads, spreader bars, and sensual oils (although that coconut oil scene reminded me so much of Jean Garcia in Impaktita that I was grateful Anastasia’s torso didn’t break free from her waist).

4. Relieved to hear that he had moved on from his Beyonce fetish and the soundtrack now included catchy tunes from Sia, Zayn feat. Taylor Swift, and my favorite track Bom Bidi Bom by Nick Jonas feat. Nicki Minaj. Now that was a credible Xerex playlist.

5. That art exhibit by Anastasia’s creepy friend/stalker was, well, creepy. I also felt bad that Christian purchased all of the artwork but we never really saw any of them anywhere in his apartment.

6. Wait, so he wanted to have rough sex with women that reminded him so much of his abusive mother? For the love of Sigmund Freud, eek!

Was there also a psychosexual interpretation of him having the Chronicles of Riddick poster in his bedroom? Would this explain why Vin Diesel chose to sing Katy Perry’s Dark Horse in one of his vlogs?

7. Poor Kim Basinger looked like she overdosed on botox only to get the Lavinia Arguelles treatment (twice!) in one scene. Pinoy soap opera at its finest! (And please tell me that the shower sex scene was a direct nod to the erotic 9 1/2 Weeks!).

8. There was a tacked-on scene towards the end where Christian’s helicopter crashed and he was magically back onscreen after a few minutes. Huwat?! I surely hoped his bed escapades lasted longer than his disappearance.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

HOW TO BE SINGLE (Christian Ditter, 2016)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on How To Be Single:

1. I initially hated Super Fun Night, the now-cancelled ABC series that starred Rebel Wilson as a single woman just wanting to have a great time with her other single girlfriends. The show got much better when it stopped trying to poke fun at the diverse characters’ unconventional lifestyles and just focused on letting them have their much-deserved fun.

2. I felt the exact same way about this movie adapted from a Liz Tuccillo novel (she was also a writer on Sex and the City). It had a good grasp of the joys and oftentimes (frequency depended on your bitterness level) loneliness of singlehood, but it also wanted its women to apologize for acknowledging that they might actually need a man after all. Nothing’s wrong with being single and nothing’s wrong if you’re single wishing to find the perfect partner, right?

3. Taylor Swift’s Welcome to New York should be used in every scene with a person relocating to New York because it’s cheery fun and I’m a certified Swiftie.

4. Dakota Johnson would always be the 50 Shades of Grey girl to me so it was a bit jarring to see her having trouble keeping a relationship and constantly getting dumped by guys that didn’t even come close to the smoldering looks, astonishing wealth, or even kinky fetish of Christian Grey. If Anastasia Steele couldn’t even land a boyfriend in this movie, what more the common tao? (Funny that her name here was Alice Kepley. I know, I have the mind of a twelve year old.)

5. I found it off though that Dakota’s character was the typical helpless woman who needed a boyfriend to reset her router or remove the foreign subtitles on her TV. That wasn’t even a dependency issue. Call customer service. Or read the manual, girl. Magagalit ang Gabriela n’yan.

6. Rebel, as expected, was the movie’s effortless scene-stealer. She was a hoot and generated the loudest laughs whether she was owning the dance floor with an arrow pointing to her crotch, peeing in a Zen garden that she thought was a kitty litter, crawling out of a taxi window, or threatening to tit-punch someone for using an emoji.

The best moment had her describing the deprived privates of Dakota:

“You have a long-term relationship pussy.”
“It looked like you dropped a hairbrush and your vagina caught it.”
“Gandalf is staring at me. No penis shall pass!”

7. “For the record, this is not me leaving. This is you pushing me away.” Did this bring back a lot of heartbreak memories?

8. The Drink Number theory stated that two people should not exceed the total drink limit between themselves (in any combination) meaning if one gets drunk after two glasses and the other after three, then they shouldn’t go over the five drink total or something will happen between them.

This is definitely not true because we all know that “as long as there is alak, there is balak” and no drinking theory can ever stop that.

9. In one scene, a character bumped into her ex’s parents and the mother said “You’re better than her (current girlfriend)”.

If you’re already happy and in a relationship, you’d be brushing this off and just laugh. If you’re still bitter, your heart will be exploding with joy and probably planning another stalking session to get him back.

10. “The thing about being single is that you should cherish it.” Now wouldn’t this be the perfect Valentine’s Day movie even if you’re watching alone (but not lonely)? Cue Hailee Steinfeld’s Love Myself.

Rating: ★★★☆☆