Not even a guilty pleasure. It was so bad, it was really bad.
My notes on Trophy Wife:
1. In the opening credits, the movie’s title was credited to Elwood Perez. How hard was it to come up with that one?
2. Speaking of Elwood Perez, there’s a certain guilty pleasure that you get from most of his movies. They usually ooze with sensuality and are filled with crazy people and situations, but you get them. I wonder how the movie would have turned out if he directed this one instead.
3. In one scene, G Toengi took a hit on the toilet bowl. Eww! I wonder what else she snorted with her crack.
4. Although the movie promised a lot of steamy sex, it was only rated R-13 so don’t expect too much. Most of the kissing and pretend licking didn’t involve any tongue (I know, right?!).
5. Cristine Reyes’ Kapampangan accent came straight out of Poveda.
6. One of my pet peeves in a local production is lack of crowd control. You would usually see the entire barangay in the background watching the shoot. I understand the challenge though given our Pinoy “uzi” mentality.
7. In one scene, Derek Ramsay’s character got reprimanded for being noisy in a club. To quote Donya Ina, “Paki-explain. Lab you!”
8. Whenever the characters appeared with bruises, they would usually look like they had too much blush-on. Sometimes the bruises looked like lipstick stains. And in one scene, Heart Evangelista actually had a lipstick stain on her cheek for no reason. What happened to the make-up department?
9. This movie defied time and logic. A character got knocked up the day after having sex. A restaurant was up and running a few hours after the business meeting. A crisp, white blouse gets stained with uling and was Tide-white in the next scene. Bruises and burns were healed minutes after Betadine was applied. Forget Belo, I want that Betadine.
10. And in another groan-worthy scene, a pregnant character was run over by an SUV and she sustained…scratches on her arm. Forget the Betadine, I need her vitamins.
11. For the US park scene, I think they filmed in Tagaytay and just asked some foreigner extras with backpacks to keep passing by. In the US restaurant scene, they filmed in a branch of Friday’s and asked Callum David to be a waiter. I guess that made it more realistic.
12. If you already have a low tolerance for Heart, let this serve as a stern warning.
13. The movie abruptly ended with a visa approval. Everyone just screamed “WTF?!”. We started trooping out of the cinema demanding a refund.
(Originally published August 1, 2014.)