‪ENTENG KABISOTE 10 AND THE ABANGERS (Tony Reyes, Marlon Rivera, 2016)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Enteng Kabisote 10 and the Abangers:

1. I already wasted two hours of my life watching this movie and I figured that I wouldn’t want to waste more time writing down these notes, but then it would be a crime not to share my grueling experience and let other people suffer the same fate. So let me start with these brilliant lines that might convince you to rethink that planned family bonding to the cinema:

• Joey de Leon as Pandoy, Alalay ng Panday: “Pang-araw lang yun kaya Pang-Day. Ang pangalan ko kapag gabi, Pang-Gay.” And then he swished and sashayed down the corridor. Groan.

• Ken Chan and Bea Binene getting scared from an approaching villain: “May tatlong bibe akong nakita. Mataba, mapayat, mga bibe.” HUH?! Groan.

• Vic Sotto on Aiza Seguerra: “Akalain mo mahilig pala sa itlog ang batang yun.” Groan.

• An employee of Enteng Kabisote Robotics introducing the new Iron Man-like costume: “Eto ang bagong Kalba Kalba Kalba Kameleon.” Groan.

• Bossing to his four employees speaking in unison: “Nag-duet pa kayong apat ha!” HUH?! Groan.

2. As a huge fan of the Okay Ka, Fairy Ko TV series, I could only cry in my seat while seeing this tenth film installment mutate into the lamest Marvel wannabe. Ina Magenta had the right instincts about Enteng Kabisote after all. The ending even had the gall to hint at another sequel. Kapag natuloy ito, ako na mismo ang magsisimula ng Infinity War.

3. Infer, ang lakas maka-gwapo ng ash silver hair ni Bossing. I might try that shade soon.

4. Poor Epy Quizon was in full acting na acting mode even if his character didn’t really have much to do except be included in an embarrassing battle sequence ala Mortal Kombat set to the Tatlong Bibe Remix.

5. Most of the jokes were as outdated as Pandoy. The extended walling montage set to April Boy Regino’s Di Ko Kayang Tanggapin was just annoying. That Madam Oring line? Eek! And they still had a stale Pabebe Girls reference. Wala na talagang ibang maisip?

6. Why were Alden Richards and Maine Mendoza (in ugly heavy eyeliner! as a huge fan, I am incensed beyond belief) inserted in every Bohol scene even if their characters didn’t really serve any purpose? How many times did Bossing have to ask the perennial “Kayo na ba?” question before it started getting old? Were the filmmakers scared to shortchange AlDub Nation lest they get burned at the stakes set up in Kamuning?

7. If there was one good thing here, I only noticed a single product placement (for O+). Consider that one tiny step for mankind.

8. I couldn’t stop laughing at the drones that looked like they were purchased from CD-R King. Also, why did the team spend a lot of time assembling one drone when Oyo Boy Sotto’s character could magically reproduce the same thing pala?

9. During the climactic fight scene, laser beams were shooting out of Bossing’s groin while he furiously pumped his hips (or more appropriately, made kadyot motions).

Yes, this is really the kind of family movie that kids should be watching for Christmas.

‪Rating: ★☆☆☆☆‬

IMAGINE YOU & ME (Michael Tuviera, 2016)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Imagine You & Me:

1. Hi, I’m Json and I am a lapsed AlDub fan. (Hi, Json!) I joined the bandwagon right before a wall separated Alden and Yaya Dub in Kalyeserye and jumped off a little after their love team’s debut fizzled in My Bebe Love. Although I continued to receive updates from some die-hard friends, I was still pleasantly surprised to witness the newfound chemistry that they had been raving about. In this movie, AlDub had indeed moved on to being MaiChard and everything just felt right…and real.

2. Could someone explain Maine Mendoza’s appeal to the older crowd? Whenever I watched this type of rom-com, most of the shrieking would come from teenage girls (and directed at the male lead, like Daniel Padilla or James Reid), but I swear about half the people screaming and getting their fill of kilig in our screening were older women (even grandmothers!) rooting for Maine (as Gara). They could very well have been watching the newest Sampaguita or LVN picture.

3. I didn’t have high hopes when the movie started with “Sabi nila ang pag-ibig ay…” and then showed a montage of star-crossed lovers, especially since this quirky style and formula had been trademarked and more effectively used by Dan Villegas and Antoinette Jadaone, but the story progressed much better than expected (up until the dreary final moments).

The movie rested heavily on Maine’s tiny shoulders and she more than delivered, keeping the first thirty or so Alden-less minutes brisk, light, and fun to watch, whether she was getting dumped by her gay boyfriend, lamenting her supposedly cursed lovelife, or simply getting off her bike because the road was “matarik”. I probably laughed the most when she took a selfie with that pader (kasi wala naman talagang ganung pader sa Pilipinas haha!).

4. Elapsed time before the first advertisement: one minute-ish (Magnolia), probably the fastest one so far in recent memory. I wasn’t surprised to see a barrage of other products (including McDonald’s and O+) figure prominently in the story. In one scene where Alden Richards was supposedly drunk, I think there was even a hint of Bench underwear peeking under his jeans (or was I just too fixated on that area?).

5. I really liked how Alden (as Andrew) was always on the verge of tears in every scene (whenever he wasn’t being bugnutin). The movie was able to play on his strength as a dramatic actor and he could easily give John Lloyd Cruz (or even Judy Ann Santos) a run for best crier in local cinema. My favorite scene of his was the videoke session (“Wala ako sa kondisyon eh”, “Ano ‘to grand finals?”) ending with him crying over a sappy Tagalog love song. (Side note: Alden seems to be such a genuine person. I really get that strong vibe from him.)

6. “Mag-ingat ka sa mga lalaking mapuputi na ganyan. Mga pa-fall ang mga ‘yan.” – Kakai Bautista referring to…

(Yang tataaaaaaaa?)

7. There were so many gorgeous shots of Italy and I’m sure that a lot of people would start saving up just to experience grabbing the right breast of Juliet’s statue in Verona. (Hey, if I were to touch one again it might as well be for good luck.) I really liked that tracking shot that followed the pair going in and out of the adjacent rooms and veranda (overlooking a mountain view) with them barely missing each other.

8. Loved Jasmine Curtis-Smith since Transit and she was good here as the leukemia-stricken third party, but it felt like her character’s arc was unnecessary (besides, wouldn’t it have been more depressing if Gara was competing with a dead girl?). Actually, the entire dramatic third act including the last minute (out of nowhere) accident felt forced and didn’t earn the tears (similar to that rant of Gara after she was accused of stealing, “Oo mahirap lang ako…”; where did that come from, such a weird transition).

9. Carpool karaoke officially became a staple in local rom-coms. Although it was fun to see Gara sing April Boy Regino’s Di Ko Kayang Tanggapin, it was still hard to believe that Andrew would have that in his playlist. As one character said, “Makikilala mo ang isang tao sa song choices niya” and I could have sworn snobby Andrew was the Ed Sheeran type.

10. “Kaya naimbento ang glue, para kahit gaano kawasak ang isang bagay, pwede pa ring mabuo.” Sigh.

11. My favorite nods to AlDub:

• Gara during the car sing-along, “Eh sa gusto kong mag Dubsmash.” (Although it wasn’t technically a Dubsmash.)

• Gara asking, “Hindi ka nagulat na NBSB ako. Sinasabi mo bang panget ako?” (Wink wink, haters.)

• That Tamang Panahon reference.

• July 16, 2016 written on the lock that they left on Juliet’s wall (Happy anniversary! For real?).

12. If you’re a big believer of fate and destiny ala Romeo and Juliet (“Ang bawat coincidence ay nakatakda na”), then you would really enjoy this movie. I had my reservations since I belong in the “I create my own destiny” team.

13. Prepare your ears for that second sweet kiss (since the first happened while one of them was in a coma). You have been warned.

Also, this may not be a Marvel movie, but stay until the very end of the closing credits. Confirmed!!

Rating: ★★★☆☆