My notes on 300: Rise of an Empire:
1. I felt cheated that after being exposed to excessive violence the only sex scene got cut. Why bother with a R-16 rating?
2. I wonder if Alma Moreno received a cut for her copyrighted tangga.
3. Wow, those crotches (especially Xerxes’) looked like they weighed a ton. I’m surprised these Spartans could still walk.
4. Where did those abs come from? Everyone in town had them but nobody’s hitting the gym. I want what they’re eating!
5. Rodrigo Santoro had gorgeous eyes. He should be the next Cover Girl Lash Blast Mascara endorser.
6. I bet the movie’s running time would be half as short without all of those slo-mo sequences.
7. Why is there so much dirt floating onscreen?
8. Eva Green was the single best thing in this movie. I cowered in fear before her. Can we resurrect a Bond Girl please?
(Side note: Never say no to a woman or you’ll end up with blood-splattered screens or blue balls.)
9. I stopped caring after the giant arowana scene.
10. Guys, it’s payback time for being dragged by your girlfriends in Starting Over Again.
(Originally published March 10, 2014.)