MOVIE REVIEW: 300: RISE OF AN EMPIRE (Noam Murro, 2014)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on 300: Rise of an Empire:

1. I felt cheated that after being exposed to excessive violence the only sex scene got cut. Why bother with a R-16 rating?

2. I wonder if Alma Moreno received a cut for her copyrighted tangga.

3. Wow, those crotches (especially Xerxes’) looked like they weighed a ton. I’m surprised these Spartans could still walk.

4. Where did those abs come from? Everyone in town had them but nobody’s hitting the gym. I want what they’re eating!

5. Rodrigo Santoro had gorgeous eyes. He should be the next Cover Girl Lash Blast Mascara endorser.

6. I bet the movie’s running time would be half as short without all of those slo-mo sequences.

7. Why is there so much dirt floating onscreen?

8. Eva Green was the single best thing in this movie. I cowered in fear before her. Can we resurrect a Bond Girl please?

(Side note: Never say no to a woman or you’ll end up with blood-splattered screens or blue balls.)

9. I stopped caring after the giant arowana scene.

10. Guys, it’s payback time for being dragged by your girlfriends in Starting Over Again.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published March 10, 2014.)