TAKEN 3 (Olivier Megaton, 2014)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Taken 3:

1. I think the first Taken movie was an instant favorite of daughters everywhere. I’m sure it made them feel safe knowing the extent that their fathers would do to show their love for them. Consider it an action-packed version of Father of the Bride.

2. In this third movie, Liam Neeson displayed his love for his daughter by giving her a giant panda on her birthday. Her survival was more of an after-thought and everything else was just to save his reputation.

3. For the most part, this was actually a lame-brained version of The Fugitive. There was even a tunnel scene here reminiscent of that movie (homage?). All it needed was a one-armed man.

4. Speaking of the villain, it was hard to take him seriously with that Dumb and Dumber bowl cut. In one scene, he fought in his tighty-whities and his bulge (that would put Justin Bieber’s photoshopped Calvin Klein ads to shame) just proved to be a distraction. To some women, I mean.

5. Neeson’s character was asked, “Why do you have to be so honorable?” And therein lay my biggest problem with the entire movie.

In the first two, all the violence was driven by his agenda to save his daughter and wife. Here, he resorted to all kinds of violence even involving innocent people just to prove his own innocence.

One scene showed him causing a stampede in a college (really??). Why did he have to consider himself above the law when a simple trial would have proven his innocence? I just kept thinking, “Anong ipinaglalaban mo?”

6. Olivier Megaton also directed Transporter 3. His idea of an action sequence was to show the exact same scene of a flying truck container from five different angles. This could very well have been directed by Francis Jun Posadas.

7. Why was the MTRCB so strict when it came to sexuality but very lenient with violence? This movie where people got shot by all kinds of guns in all areas of the body just merited a Parental Guidance. Seriously, a PG-rating for excessive violence? Watching this with a kid a few rows behind me actually made me feel uncomfortable.

8. Whatever happened to Dougray Scott’s career? Ever since he passed on the role of Wolverine in the first X-Men movie, he hadn’t done anything significant to launch himself as a leading man. Unless you count his role as Teri Hatcher’s boyfriend in Desperate Housewives.

9. A lot of scenes here didn’t make any sense to me. He made his (pregnant) daughter drink a potion to make her nauseous when he could have just asked her to meet in the school bathroom at a specific time. In another scene, he used a defibrillator to attack henchmen just for the cool concept of seeing someone getting attacked with a defibrillator. And where did he get that anyway? Yet in another, he rammed his vehicle on the wheels of a plane that was about to take off even if his daughter who he was trying to save in the first place was onboard. Oh, and Forrest Whitaker (in the Tommy Lee Jones role) announced in the end that he knew that Neeson was innocent from the start because of his Warm Bagel Theory. So why did they go through all that goose chase? Oh, then we wouldn’t have a movie. Don’t bother.

10. Wait, who got taken??

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published January 18, 2015.)

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MUSLIM MAGNUM .357 (Francis Jun Posadas, 2014)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Muslim Magnum .357:

1. I need to know how to paint that mustache on my face in time for this year’s Halloween. That thing deserved second billing.

2. The way Jeorge Estregan emphatically pronounced the name of Allah each and every time actually sounded sacrilegious. A lot of young guys tried to imitate it earlier and I was just happy that nobody felt offended.

3. Sam Pinto was such a horrible actress that even her screams sounded fake. How could somebody not even know how to naturally scream? She sounded dreadful and funny. She also kept tripping and hitting stuff and they didn’t look intentional. Oh, she had a great contract. No kissing scenes here.

4. The movie kept reminding us every twenty minutes of the nobility of Muslims. And then it showed Estregan virtually killing everyone in sight.

5. Jerico Estregan gave the most butch performance since Xian Lim in Bakit Hindi Ka Crush ng Crush Mo. He further proved that the acting gene certainly didn’t run in the family.

6. Victor Basa School of Acting: dialogue, dialogue, blink, dialogue, blink, dialogue, dialogue, blink.

7. In one scene, Pinto needed an idiot board to say this line: “Kelangan ko ng 25 million pesos para pakawalan.” She was supposedly playing a smart teacher.

8. In the next scene, they played the ransom video that was completely different from what was filmed earlier. Hey, even ransom videos needed to be properly edited, right?

9. John Regala’s beard must have been so heavy that he could barely move his mouth to speak. This movie should have been subtitled Attack of the Facial Hair.

10. Ten minutes into the movie, I knew that the only way to forget this highway robbery was to give in. I laughed all my way through the two hours and twenty minutes of this utter nonsense.

11. Who could resist this classic line: “Sa oras na magkaputukan, magkakagulo ang mga tao dito.” Weh di nga?

12. Or this other classic line uttered by Roi Vinzon: “Tinyente ka pa lang, heneral na ako. Mygahd!!!!!”

13. Or the scene where a character used Google Maps to locate a person. Or the blood stains made of ketchup. Or the crazy fistfight at the end. Or the entire scene discussing the different types of Magnums.

Oh, Jeorge, you just made my night.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published January 7, 2015.)