MOVIE REVIEW: X-MEN: DAYS OF FUTURE PAST (Bryan Singer, 2014)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on X-Men: Days of Future Past:

1. I am definitely not a comic book (or anything from the Marvel universe) fan so expect a lot of questions in a bit. But first, why did this feel like a 2-hour middle finger to Brett Ratner and the mess that he created?

2. I actually liked how the movie just didn’t care if you watched the previous films or knew the other characters. I had to create names for the ones that I didn’t know, though (Silver Surfer, Fireball, Sandara, etc.).

3. Wait, why was Patrick Stewart back? Wasn’t Professor Xavier killed in the last movie? Was he making a Gandalf comeback?

4. Ooh carnage! I would have cared more if I were a fanboy.

5. Ellen Page would always be Juno to me. If she were able to travel back in time, I wonder if she’d still give up her baby. And why did she have a lot of super powers here? She was able to pass through objects and make people time travel. Wow.

6. Gratuitous butt shot but who’s complaining?

7. As a huge American Horror Story fan, I squealed when Evan Peters showed up as a teen Flash (did anyone mention Quicksilver in the movie?). He surely had the best scenes and deserved a spin-off.

8. Halle Berry still had a thankless role. I hope she earned millions to roll her eyes. Who’s wishing for an X-Men Origins: Storm? Nobody.

9. Now that I thought about it, why did Professor Xavier have a British accent if he was living in the US ever since? Was there a back story I didn’t know of?

10. Product placement galore. I still prefer Coke products, though.

11. That Time in a Bottle scene was one of the best sequences I’ve seen all year. More reasons for a spin-off. Evan Peters is so ready for stardom.

12. You could never go wrong with Peter Dinklage. Or Michael Fassbender.

13. Did Mystique really have a substantial role in the comics or did they do this because Jennifer Lawrence is an Oscar-winning box-office draw now? (I have high hopes for Lupita Nyong’o as the young Storm. That’ll make me reconsider my Origins answer.)

14. So the movie in effect was basically one long dream sequence? So we wasted hours on the other movies that really didn’t happen as well?

15. Wait, why did the Sentinels have to reach the future before killing off the mutants when they were made back in the 70’s? Shouldn’t they have killed everyone before the other X-Men movies started happening?

16. When Quicksilver mentioned to Magneto that his mom also “knew a guy who could do that”, did that mean Magneto’s his (gasp!) father?!

17. JFK was a mutant. Coolness!

18. I’m all for redemption and second chances but I’m more into the time is immutable theory.

19. In the comics, who will remove the stadium and free up the White House again?

20. I know that J.Law and Nicholas Hoult are dating but why did Mystique flirt with Beast in the end? Or was I overanalyzing that scene as well?

I give up.

Rating: ★★★☆☆

(Originally published May 26, 2014.)

MOVIE REVIEW: SEVENTH SON (Sergei Bodrov, 2014)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Seventh Son:

1. The movie opened with Jeff Bridges playing a drunk Gandalf talking with his mouth full and giving a whole new meaning to scenery-chewing. I hope the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences voters never have the time to see this terrible performance.

2. Speaking of the Oscars, I was just happy to see that this won’t be shown in the US until February. Julianne Moore’s work here wasn’t the stuff of a future Oscar winner. This was way below Norbit levels.

3. I want that instant rejuvenation spell. I wonder if it’s on Belo Medical’s list of services.

4. Twenty minutes into the movie and I still had no idea what was happening. There was mention of a spook, something about a blood moon, and the seventh son of the seventh son, but all I cared about was the charred body of Jon Snow.

5. Those blood cakes combined the best of both worlds: it was simply puto made of dinuguan. Yum!!

6. Oh, so Gandalf was also Mr. Miyagi with a Medieval Irish accent.

7. A character was given an ogre scrotum for his enjoyment. Now I understand why they walk really funny.

8. Apparently, there would be a literal spark (and blue for that matter) when two people were destined to be together. We kept seeing the literal spark but the bland young actors actually didn’t have any. I wished for Lorna Tolentino to suddenly enter the scene in full racist Chinese eye make-up and scream, “Ano kayo Meralco? Kelangan may spark?”

9. I laughed so hard during the final scene when our hero flipped his hood, the music swelled, the screen faded to black, and it hinted at a possible sequel.

10. For whatever it’s worth, at least it was no Season of the Witch.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published January 10, 2015.)

MOVIE REVIEW: GODS OF EGYPT (Alex Proyas, 2016)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Gods of Egypt:

1. Although I was more fond of Greek and Roman gods and goddesses, I was also very fascinated with the Egyptian mythology. I probably enjoyed The Mummy series more than I should have only because of the inclusion of deities like Amun-Ra and Anubis.

I loved the excessive elegance of ancient Egyptian civilization (the majestic Pyramids and Sphinx, the lavish ornaments and costumes, the riveting lives of Tutankhamun, Nefertiti, and Cleopatra, etc.). I even had a period in my life where I would always eat grapes while sprawled on the couch pretending that I was being fed by servants.

2. Oh, so gold was running through the veins of these gods instead of blood. Forget dugong bughaw. I want to be a dugong ginto. I would just bleed myself every now and then and I would never have to work another day in my life. (The groaning sound you just heard was from my very disappointed parents.)

Besides, who wouldn’t want to be showered with petals everywhere you went? (“Mga alipin, pupunta ako ng Southmall. Isaboy ang mga kalachuchi!”)

3. The movie received a lot of backlash for its whitewashed cast (even if its bigger problem was the lack of a coherent story). I was indeed confused since Brendon Thwaites with his curly locks and toned body (and aptly named Bek) looked like a Greek twink that just came from a month-long escapade from Prague. Jamie Lannister and King Leonidas played dueling gods and even Oscar winner Geoffrey Rush was here playing the bald cousin of Gandalf.

4. Have you all seen that cult classic Dark City? It was an outstanding sci-fi thriller about a man framed for murders that he couldn’t remember committing (and now that I had thought about it, sounded like a chronological variation of Memento). It was also directed by Alex Proyas and starred Rufus Sewell. I also had no idea what they were doing in this awful mess.

5. As a kid, I loved playing with flying beetles, more popularly known as salagubang. I would tie a string on one of its legs and twirl it like an out-of-control balloon. If you tied two of them on opposite ends, you would actually create a pinwheel effect. (I’m so sorry, PETA!)

The giant salagubangs in this movie looked more fun to play (or ride) with. Of course, I was more amazed with the beast that looked a giant vagina with teeth, but that would be a different playtime story.

6. Ooh, SilverHawks! Wait, that should have been GoldenHawks.

7. Apparently in the afterlife, there was a group of Cebuana Lhuillier alaheras that will determine your entry to the cosmos door (or whatever) so one had to be rich or your soul will get pulverized. I noticed that one side of the weights only had a feather and the trinkets just had to be heavier than that. I guess Tita Annabelle Rama’s place in the afterlife is more than secured.

8. Over two hours? Really? Talk about a GGSS movie.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆