MOVIE REVIEW: FURIOUS 7 (James Wan, 2015)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Furious 7:

1. So James Wan, the director of torture porn Saw, ventured into automobile porn and actually made a senseless albeit oftentimes fun and always frenetic action movie. His camera was on a perennial adrenaline rush.

2. Iggy Azalea showed up for 10 seconds and said one line and people considered this her film debut. If Judi Dench can win an Oscar for an 8-minute performance, maybe it’s time to bring out the For Your Consideration ads.

3. Whoever said that Jason Statham was walking testosterone could not be further from the truth. Several women probably went out pregnant after the screening.

4. These were my favorite “so bad they’re bad” lines that almost triggered an epileptic seizure due to my constant eye-rolling:

“I have nothing.”
“You got me.”
“I believe in you. I believe in us. That’s all that matters.”

And that final scene where Letty (Michelle Rodriguez) went on an “I remember everything…” aria in lieu of CPR made me fart through my nose.

5. To its credit, the movie promised a lot of explosions and car chases and unbelievable stunts and it delivered all of that and more. All those flying cars were worth the price of admission.

6. That blatant Corona Extra product placement just put My Big Bossing to shame.

7. Every other scene set to a banging hip hop soundtrack felt like an MTV music video. But again, who’s complaining?

8. If I were a billionaire, I would have golden dancers in my party as well. More kitsch, more fun.

9. We all know everyone gets out of a secured prison in time for the sequel. Just ask Magneto.

10. The CGI scenes with “Paul Walker” were a bit noticeable especially when the camera focused on his face. His lanky build was also obvious in the beach scene. The ending was a fitting tribute to him, though. The series just won’t be the same without him.

Rating: ★★★☆☆

(Originally published April 8, 2015.)

MOVIE REVIEW: KINGSMAN: THE SECRET SERVICE (Matthew Vaughn, 2014)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Kingsman: The Secret Service:

1. Would anyone know if the comic book series this movie was based on had anything to do with the local Kingsmen Custom Tailors that makes bespoke suits and barongs? It would just be too much of a coincidence, right?

2. The opening credits alone with the names that formed from exploding rocks was fun to watch. I knew right then that I would really like this one. Contrary to popular belief, I’m actually easy to please.

3. Matthew Vaughn directed Kick-Ass so I wasn’t at all surprised with the amount of violence here. I actually found it funny that Samuel L. Jackson’s character was scared of blood. Even with all the slicing and dicing, all of the fight scenes were virtually bloodless.

4. The constant winks at how serious the James Bond movies have become was spot-on. Sometimes we do wish for just some mindless but fun spy movie.

5. I really want to learn how to drive in reverse. That was one exciting chase scene.

6. I have to be honest. I couldn’t understand some of the dialogue with all the thick British accent. I’ll have to wait for the DVD.

7. Colin Firth with his deadly umbrella was like a lethal Mary Poppins. Imagine if the nanny used that one instead to teach the kids some life lessons. She’ll be firing at everyone butchering the atrociously catchy Chim Chim Cher-ee.

8. Why did they select Iggy Azalea as one of the celebrities that will re-populate the earth? Somebody must have enjoyed the Pu$$y video.

9. Taron Egerton looked so nimble and tiny that I wanted to pick him up and keep him in my pocket. Err…

10. Hey, I actually thought it was a bulldog, too. I really need to spend more time with animals.

11. Was I the only one who wished for bionic sword legs as awesome as Gazelle’s?

12. Talk about blatant product placements. Almost everything worn here were by Adidas. I’ve never seen this many striped jackets since Glee. Really cool stuff, though. Where can I buy them? Made me crave for a McDonald’s Happy Meal, too.

13. The funniest thing here was that even with all the graphic violence, the only scene that was too much for me to handle that I had to close my eyes was when he was asked to shoot the pup. Nooooo!!

Rating: ★★★★☆

(Originally published February 24, 2015.)