MOVIE REVIEW: THE SPONGEBOB MOVIE: SPONGE OUT OF WATER (Paul Tibbitt, 2015)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on The SpongeBob Movie: Sponge Out of Water:

1. I always get a kick seeing Antonio Banderas in these crazy kiddie movies. He’s actually a great actor and the fact that he doesn’t seem out of place acting opposite a talking sponge just makes him even greater.

2. That bit about the library card brought back so many memories of all the time I spent borrowing books and making sure I do not pay the twenty-five cent penalty for late returns.

3. Has the secret formula of the Krabby Patty ever been revealed in the show? I started craving for In-N-Out Double Double burger. Can someone bring that franchise here please?

4. Why do I get the feeling that this cartoon was made for stoned adults? All the psychedelic time travel scenes made me want to pass a joint. (Kids, say no to drugs.)

5. I laughed really hard at the anemone-enemy wordplay although that joke just whooshed past the kids’ heads. Now if only they had more of those and less of The Avengers bit.

Rating: ★★★☆☆

(Originally published April 6, 2015.)

MOVIE REVIEW: MR. RIGHT (Paco Cabezas, 2015)

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My notes on Mr. Right:

1. On the Anna Kendrick scale of movies, this one would be closer to Twilight than Up in the Air. In terms of her comedies, it would be on the side of Breaking Dawn, Part 1 rather than Pitch Perfect. I’m sure she has never heard the term pabebe acting (perfected by Kathryn Bernardo in She’s Dating the Gangster), but it seems to have invaded Hollywood as well through her performance as a hyperactive, kooky, childish woman who spoke ten decibels higher than the normal range.

As Martha, she wore Ariana Grande kitty ears, took selfies of her boobs (“They look like a butt!”), dreamt of dating Lex Luthor, and rawred like a T. Rex (“I am a T. Rex! I am invincible!”). It was all too cutesy (no, pa-cute) that I half-expected her to sing the line “Ikaw nga ba ang icing sa ibabaw ng cupcake ko?”.

2. Sam Rockwell had done a lot of offbeat roles and I immediately loved his Mr. Right character as soon as he started dancing Christopher Walken-style during the opening credits. But then he showed up in the next scene with a mosaic Hawaiian shirt (that not even Mayor Atienza would be caught dead wearing) and sky blue slacks and I immediately took back my heart.

3. The scenes that made my blood curdle from the icky pabebe-ness were:

• The meet cute in 7/11 where they bumped into each other and boxes of Trojan condoms flew in the air in slow motion like doves in a John Woo movie

• When Martha and Right had their first date in the park and a sloppy hitman started shooting at them and they ended up faux dancing to avoid the bullets

• Immediately after that scene, they were in matchy-matchy Bitch 1 and Bitch 2 couple shirts (trademarked by Tina Paner and Ramon Christopher) and heart-shaped sunglasses on the way to a club

• That god-awful jumping on the bed scene that came straight out of High School Musical

• A knife-throwing foreplay session (ugh!)

4. I could never eat inside the bathroom (much less the shower) even if it were the tastiest In-N-Out burger. The thought of the toilet staring at me while I chew would be enough to start my heaving. Gross!

5. Britney’s fans would be surprised to see Anson Mount in this movie. He was completely unrecognizable with the shaggy beard. If Brit was not yet a woman in Crossroads, she would definitely be one after she hitchhikes with this new Ben.

6. If anything, the lame but goofy action scenes (and all the gratuitous violence) were a bit fun to watch. To be perfectly honest though, I was rooting for the villains to kill the pabebe couple whose most romantic line in the entire movie was “I feel like I’m in a coma with you.” Shoot, shoot, shoot!

Rating: ★★☆☆☆