MOVIE REVIEW: UNSANE (Steven Soderbergh, 2018)

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The entire film was shot using an iPhone and I couldn’t even take a decent selfie with one.

Too many implausibilities made it fall short of being a gripping thriller.

Claire Foy (who looked and talked like Sarah Paulson) was terrific as a troubled woman who might be one fry short of a Happy Meal.

Rating: ★★★☆☆

(Originally published June 11, 2018.)

MOVIE REVIEW: HAUNTED FOREST (Ian Loreños, 2017)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Haunted Forest:

1. This movie is shaping up to be one of the worst movies of 2017 so I will just provide a blow-by-blow so that you can all save your money. Obviously, spoilers ahead.

2. So the first twenty minutes consisted of a gagamba running after a taong grasa played by Jerald Napoles. As the resident baliw, he was blamed for the death of a woman hanging from a tree even if obvious naman na hindi niya kaya magpulupot ng thick branches ng puno (can anyone?).

3. Raymart Santiago and his bitchy daughter Jane Oineza went to the province for vacation (or prolly to do some soul-searching) after the death of his cancer-stricken wife. They stayed at the house of Maris Racal and Beverly Salviejo (and it’s a mystery how she’s related to them).

4. All the women in town are fond of wearing white kamison while strolling the haunted forest at night. Yes, this is a Mother Lily-produced movie.

5.

Maris: Di naman ako mahilig sa social media kaya ok lang kahit walang signal sa bahay.

Maris after looking at Jane’s iPhone: Uy, add mo naman ako diyan!!

6. Joey Marquez plays a cop with a habit of hitting suspects at will. I’d like to say that his character’s trapped in a Pinoy 90s sitcom, but he very much seems to fit right in the current police force.

7. Ok, mukhang gorilla yung killer.

8. Sample conflict…

Maris: Naku, naiwan ang bawang! Paano ako maggigisa nito?

9. Sumakay si Jane sa dimples ni Jameson Blake para balikan ang naiwang bawang. Kaso naabutan sila ng malakas na ulan. Walang silong kaya basang-basa sila. Sabay labas si Jameson ng panyo.

Jameson: Eto, punasan na lang kita.

Seryoso??!

10. Kanina umihi sina Joey at Raymart sa gilid ng kalsada. Ngayon naman umiihi si Jane sa damuhan. Eh kaya kayo minumulto kasi di kayo marunong magpasintabi sa mga nuno. Mga bastos!

11. One sequence looked like the director was just having fun with a Snapchat filter. Hihihi!

12. Hirap ng role ni Jane. Her character fainted for the fourth time already. On the other hand, it’s the third time I’m trying not to fall asleep.

13. I probably would have been more scared of Myrtle Sarrosa’s dead character if she didn’t look like she was wearing the wrong shade of foundation and just forgot to brush her hair.

14. So the sitsit was supposed to eat Jane, but changed his mind when he saw Raymart. May sensual wagging of the tongue involved pa. Should we consider this as a step forward for equal representation of the LGBTQ community in local cinema?

15. So ayun na nga dinukot na ng sitsit ang gusto niyang dukutin kay Raymart. Tegi.

16. Everyone knew the tree where the sitsit lived but the townspeople decided to do a prayover around it instead. Nobody bothered to burn or cut it down. Until today.

17.

Jane to sitsit: Hoy! Magpakita kita!

After magpakita…

Everyone: Takbooooooo!!

Tengene.

18. Ayan happy ending na for Jane. Masaya siya kasi kahit napatay ng sitsit ang tatay niya nagka-lovelife naman siya sa probinsiya. Hindi na nga naman masama.

The end. Leche.

19. Ay buti di ako agad umalis. May mid-credits sequence. Buhay pa ang sitsit at lumipat sa katawan ng bangkero. Ready for a sequel kaso mukhang flop. Paano na?

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published January 3, 2018.)

MOVIE REVIEW: FIFTY SHADES FREED (James Foley, 2018)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Fifty Shades Freed:

1. When Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson; were you expecting anyone else?) said something like “Look around! There’s nothing but boobs as far as the eyes can see. It’s Boobs in Boobsland!”, she could very well have been referring to her own movie. For a supposed chick flick, there was just way too many scenes of Dakota’s exposed breasts that I couldn’t help but silently scream “Utong na loob please!” or “Utong ina! Yan na naman!” every time they would make an appearance. I swear, this movie gave a whole new meaning to the word “buyangyang”. Scarred me for life, too.

2. Although this one wanted to be a sex-thriller with a subplot about a stalker (the smartest, slickest and most invincible fiction editor ever!) who was threatening their lives, I was more bothered that Anastasia was no longer using her brand new rose gold iPhone that she received as a sweet gift in the last movie. Her Macbook seemed to be missing as well. Geez, nagka-jowa lang ng mayaman nagwaldas na agad ng pera!

This was the same reason why I never really fell for her still-innocent facade here, like her faux bewilderment upon seeing the Grey private jet (“You own this?”). Oh please, drop the naive virgin act gurl! How could you still be surprised by how rich your new husband was when he basically bought your entire publishing company just because he wanted to? And let’s not forget that he crashed a personal helicopter as well in the last installment. Enough of this arte. You’re no Laida Magtalas!

3. If Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) was a billionaire, how could he not afford some decent bodyguards? The one person that he hired to protect his wife was so pathetic that basically everyone else was able to outsmart, outrun, and even outdrive him (to be fair, Anastasia could do a mean parallel park so…). Even worse, the Matt Bomer-lookalike actor that played him looked more Christian Grey than the actual Christian Grey. How sad.

Better security could have prevented the assault of Anastasia that left her in a coma (after just a mag-asawang sampal and a kick in her pregnant stomach, really??). Rita Ora should be thankful though since it gave her an additional (albeit still forgettable) scene that displayed her best acting work since last season’s America’s Next Top Model.

4. Why was he being such a big baby over her pregnancy? I could understand him disrupting a professional meeting just to complain about her not wanting to change her name on the work email, but I just didn’t get all the fuss about him being a total loon about the baby. No, let me correct that. He was jealous of the baby. His own baby. What happened to being a (kinky) Prince Charming?

5. Precision. Style. Comfort. The new Audi Quattro. And if the Fast & Furious style mini-commercials weren’t enough, they just had to include a scene where Anastasia toyed with Christian’s stick shift. At least I finally discovered his flaw when he blew his load during that car sex scene after a mere ten seconds of pumping (not gas, obviously).

6. Oh and those terrible sex scenes were a fitting end to this flaccid series! What happened to the perverse/deviant aspect? One involved a vibrator that resulted in… what’s the female equivalent of blue balls? Blue clit? There was another one where he spread ice cream on her vajayjay and started to lick it off and I swear my tongue made a deep dive into my esophagus and I almost choked to death watching a silly S&M movie (how apt!).

At least this one further supported the basic fact that cheesy porn was meant to be enjoyed alone in the comfort of one’s own home where you wouldn’t hear the shocked person behind you mistaking a butt plug for a spoon (“Kutsara ba yan?”). Ate, stay out of my kitchen!!

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆