MOVIE REVIEW: THE AVENGERS (Joss Whedon, 2012)

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I know a lot of Marvel fanboys will hate me and tell me to lighten up but 30 minutes into the movie and I was bored. Just like any ensemble movie, it took forever to provide a refresher on the characters’ back stories. Besides, it seemed like the Hulk alone could have saved the world, I’m not sure why we had to gather the entire team. Robert Downey, Jr. lit up the screen and stole all of his scenes. It made me wish they made an Iron Man sequel instead.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published May 4, 2012.)

MOVIE REVIEW: AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON (Joss Whedon, 2015)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Avengers: Age of Ultron:

1. The biggest problem with an ensemble cast of big stars (both the actors and the characters they play) is that it’s hard to give everyone equal screen time. In an attempt to pacify fans (and any bloated actor’s ego), Josh Whedon decided to pepper the screenplay with supposedly witty/funny one-liners for each character as highlights, most of them flopping with a resounding thud.

2. Sure, superhero movies should have the right dose of humor (worked for Iron Man, right?) but with or without, this one was still one big bore. We got the occasional big fight scenes to wake up the senses but there were still too many lull moments in between.

3. Obviously I’m not a huge Marvel fan (strike huge) but I’m wondering if the fanboys still liked this sequel.

4. Was Aaron Taylor-Johnson playing the same Quicksilver that was played by Evan Peters in X-Men: Days of Future Past? Why was Johnson’s version zapped of all personality?

5. When Thor hit the ground with his mighty hammer, why was everyone affected except for Captain America? Was this the reason why he felt uneasy when it was the latter’s turn to test if he could lift the said weapon?

6. Hulk had shades of Shrek in this sequel. And why don’t his pants fall off when he turns into a human again? (I know I keep asking this question but it’s not an excuse to see Ruffalo’s butt. I swear.)

7. I wished they utilized the Predator creature more. Actually, I wished that there would be a crossover movie with the Avengers vs Predator.

8. I was happy to see Hulk listening to some opera to soothe his emotions. I’ll probably try that at work next time.

9. The whole Ultron travelling in cyberspace thing gave me that Lucy/Transcendence nausea.

10. Does Stan Lee play a different character in every movie? Will we ever see all of his characters in another sequel?

11. Wait, how did Quicksilver die if he was faster than the bullets?

12. Apparently, merong forever. It’s trouble, according to Nick Fury.

13. Is this the last Avengers movie with Iron Man? Why would the most interesting character leave? The new batch doesn’t even seem likable.

14. Why do people leave as soon as the credits roll knowing that there’s always a within/post-credit sequence in every Marvel movie? And then they start blocking the view of everyone else that patiently waited for the said scene.

15. I’m so happy I watched this movie for free. Get your SM ePlus cards now!!

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published May 4, 2015.)

MOVIE REVIEW: THE IMITATION GAME (Morten Tyldum, 2014)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on The Imitation Game:

1. I just have this certain affinity to insufferable genius characters like Dr. Gregory House (House), Sherlock Holmes (Elementary), John Nash (A Beautiful Mind), or even Tony Stark (Iron Man). The more loathsome they get, the more I love them. You can now add Alan Turing to that list.

2. I absolutely abhor Math and any mention of binomials and factorials make my head spin faster than Michelle Kwan on ice. Props to all programmers around the world.

3. If ever they would choose a clip for the Oscars, I hope it’s the job interview of Alan. The excellent writing just sparkled in that scene.

4. To quote one character, “To pull off this irascible genius routine, one has to be a real genius.” The same can be said of Benedict Cumberbatch who was simply brilliant in this movie. He was great in 12 Years a Slave and August: Osage County but this was definitely his best performance to date.

5. I have a new catchphrase that will replace my favorite Miranda Priestley “By all means move at a glacial pace, you know how that thrills me” bitch quote: “It’s highly technical, you wouldn’t understand.” Boom panes!

6. I think I may be successful in breaking the Enigma code as well since I separate the food on my plate and usually by color. Everything goes together only in my stomach.

7. Did Keira Knightley have her teeth fixed? Her crooked smile was what made her completely adorable. Why?!

8. Must remember to use the word “indecorous” one of these days.

9. “I know it’s not ordinary. But who ever loved ordinary?” Mega feels!

10. Sure you can nitpick about the lack of depth on Turing as a gay character, or how far off the story was from real events, or how it got preachy in the end but it was still a solid and completely engaging film all-throughout.

11. Who run the world? Gays.

Rating: ★★★★★

(Originally published February 10, 2015.)

‪MOVIE REVIEW: ENTENG KABISOTE 10 AND THE ABANGERS (Tony Reyes, Marlon Rivera, 2016)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Enteng Kabisote 10 and the Abangers:

1. I already wasted two hours of my life watching this movie and I figured that I wouldn’t want to waste more time writing down these notes, but then it would be a crime not to share my grueling experience and let other people suffer the same fate. So let me start with these brilliant lines that might convince you to rethink that planned family bonding to the cinema:

• Joey de Leon as Pandoy, Alalay ng Panday: “Pang-araw lang yun kaya Pang-Day. Ang pangalan ko kapag gabi, Pang-Gay.” And then he swished and sashayed down the corridor. Groan.

• Ken Chan and Bea Binene getting scared from an approaching villain: “May tatlong bibe akong nakita. Mataba, mapayat, mga bibe.” HUH?! Groan.

• Vic Sotto on Aiza Seguerra: “Akalain mo mahilig pala sa itlog ang batang yun.” Groan.

• An employee of Enteng Kabisote Robotics introducing the new Iron Man-like costume: “Eto ang bagong Kalba Kalba Kalba Kameleon.” Groan.

• Bossing to his four employees speaking in unison: “Nag-duet pa kayong apat ha!” HUH?! Groan.

2. As a huge fan of the Okay Ka, Fairy Ko TV series, I could only cry in my seat while seeing this tenth film installment mutate into the lamest Marvel wannabe. Ina Magenta had the right instincts about Enteng Kabisote after all. The ending even had the gall to hint at another sequel. Kapag natuloy ito, ako na mismo ang magsisimula ng Infinity War.

3. Infer, ang lakas maka-gwapo ng ash silver hair ni Bossing. I might try that shade soon.

4. Poor Epy Quizon was in full acting na acting mode even if his character didn’t really have much to do except be included in an embarrassing battle sequence ala Mortal Kombat set to the Tatlong Bibe Remix.

5. Most of the jokes were as outdated as Pandoy. The extended walling montage set to April Boy Regino’s Di Ko Kayang Tanggapin was just annoying. That Madam Oring line? Eek! And they still had a stale Pabebe Girls reference. Wala na talagang ibang maisip?

6. Why were Alden Richards and Maine Mendoza (in ugly heavy eyeliner! as a huge fan, I am incensed beyond belief) inserted in every Bohol scene even if their characters didn’t really serve any purpose? How many times did Bossing have to ask the perennial “Kayo na ba?” question before it started getting old? Were the filmmakers scared to shortchange AlDub Nation lest they get burned at the stakes set up in Kamuning?

7. If there was one good thing here, I only noticed a single product placement (for O+). Consider that one tiny step for mankind.

8. I couldn’t stop laughing at the drones that looked like they were purchased from CD-R King. Also, why did the team spend a lot of time assembling one drone when Oyo Boy Sotto’s character could magically reproduce the same thing pala?

9. During the climactic fight scene, laser beams were shooting out of Bossing’s groin while he furiously pumped his hips (or more appropriately, made kadyot motions).

Yes, this is really the kind of family movie that kids should be watching for Christmas.

‪Rating: ★☆☆☆☆‬