MOVIE REVIEW: LARA CROFT: TOMB RAIDER (Simon West, 2001)

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It was fun to see a live action woman with a 36DD not toppling over while walking or doing an aerial ballet. Still, Angelina Jolie should never have messed with the Illuminati.

Also, a pre-James Bond Daniel Craig already practicing for his iconic role with gratuitous nude (shower!) scenes.

+1 for U2’s Elevation during the end credits.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published May 8, 2017.)

MOVIE REVIEW: 300: RISE OF AN EMPIRE (Noam Murro, 2014)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on 300: Rise of an Empire:

1. I felt cheated that after being exposed to excessive violence the only sex scene got cut. Why bother with a R-16 rating?

2. I wonder if Alma Moreno received a cut for her copyrighted tangga.

3. Wow, those crotches (especially Xerxes’) looked like they weighed a ton. I’m surprised these Spartans could still walk.

4. Where did those abs come from? Everyone in town had them but nobody’s hitting the gym. I want what they’re eating!

5. Rodrigo Santoro had gorgeous eyes. He should be the next Cover Girl Lash Blast Mascara endorser.

6. I bet the movie’s running time would be half as short without all of those slo-mo sequences.

7. Why is there so much dirt floating onscreen?

8. Eva Green was the single best thing in this movie. I cowered in fear before her. Can we resurrect a Bond Girl please?

(Side note: Never say no to a woman or you’ll end up with blood-splattered screens or blue balls.)

9. I stopped caring after the giant arowana scene.

10. Guys, it’s payback time for being dragged by your girlfriends in Starting Over Again.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published March 10, 2014.)

MOVIE REVIEW: CAPTAIN AMERICA: CIVIL WAR (Anthony Russo, Joe Russo, 2016)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Captain America: Civil War:

1. I had no clue who Doctor Strange was but that awesome trailer made me wish it were November already. Did I just sound like a die-hard Cumberbitch? Probably. But what really sealed the deal was Tilda Swinton looking like a cooler version of the Last Airbender.

2. Was it just me or did this actually feel like a Bond thriller (or a Bourne thriller, or any thriller for that matter)? You could have replaced the Marvel superheroes with real common people and it would still have been completely enjoyable. Sure, the climactic battle scene wouldn’t have been as fun, but my entire point was that this was a good film.

3. Everyone knows that I’m not the biggest fan of action movies, but I really enjoyed all the fight and chase scenes here (the drone shots were really impressive). The movie delivered on its trailer’s promise of an epic battle between the superheroes. I guess I was so used to Fernando Poe, Jr. movies where the bida and (lead) kontrabida have a match-up of their own while the minor characters get their own one-on-ones (with the women relegated to their own eye-scratching and hair-pulling). I really expected a bitch fight between the (balimbing) Black Widow and Scarlet Witch, but I was actually happy it didn’t happen. Each superhero was able to demonstrate his/her strengths and weaknesses by battling every other superhero from the opposing team. Definitely worth the wait.

4. I actually thought that Robert Downey, Jr. discovered the Fountain of Youth when his younger self appeared onscreen until his real more scruffy-looking (and better-looking, right?) other walked out and started discussing the wonders of BARF (was this the same machine used by Clementine to erase the traumatic memories of ex-boyfriend Joel? If you got this reference, you have great taste in films).

Also, that scene with him and Alfre Woodard made me want to start singing “Walk Like A Man” (if you still got this reference, I love you already). And, RDJ was so good in that big reveal scene. *sob*

5. I wonder how King T’Chaka’s campaign would have been if he ran for President here. He would have needed a really good manager.

6. Chris Evans looked so pale, like he stepped out of a Twilight movie. With that said, he still decimated my remaining self-esteem when he started flexing his biceps and flaunting his ripped upper torso while holding on to the runaway helicopter. No wonder Captain America only needed a shield when he already had those big guns. (Emily Thorne, you lucky girl.)

7. The proposed UN agreement regarding the need for supervision of superheroes was reminiscent of the Mutant Registration Act in the X-Men movies. One of them said it best with “If we don’t put limitations, we’re no different from the bad guys” and of course, my recently quoted “You’re wrong. You think you’re right. It makes you dangerous.” Who knew that choosing if you’re #TeamCap or #TeamIronMan would actually reflect one’s political views?

8. I know that one character mentioned it but why were Thor and Hulk really missing in action? The Incredible Hulk going head-to-head with the giant Ant-Man (Hantik Man! Har har!) would have been a real showdown. Also, I wanted to see Pepper. Please tell me she’s really pregnant. Everyone has a gimmick now, right? I hope that would be hers.

9. The movie felt like it was really made for grown-ups. It took its time (read: felt overlong) to explain everything and some might find these parts a bit dragging. I’m still a kid so yes, my mind wandered a bit during all the pseudo-philosophical discussions. It was a giant (bold) step for Marvel movies, though. (Wait, why was this a Captain America movie when it felt very much like an Avengers movie?)

10. I was amused by Peter Parker and his onesie but he will forever be Andrew Garfield to me. Also, the fall of War Machine was eerily similar to the death of Gwen Stacy.

11. Daniel Bruhl will have more screen time in the next movie, yes? Yes?

12. If I were the Winter Soldier, the key words that would trigger my inner rage would be: SIR. WALA. PONG. BREAST. PART.

What would be yours?

Rating: ★★★★☆