Michael Fassbender I teaching Michael Fassbender II how to blow (er, play) the flute: “I’ll do the fingering.” It could very well have been Ridley Scott telling the audience that because this was just a rehash of previous Alien movies.
The movie wanted to make a Ripley out of Katherine Waterston but she was so bland in the lead role. Also, mankind would never survive in outer space with this forgettable crew that basically ignored all common sense. I was completely annoyed with every single one of them that I actually felt bad for the baby alien that got kicked right in the face.
The only reasons to watch this were all the Fassy on Fassy action (instant nominee for MTV’s Best Kiss) and the brilliant use of James Franco in a movie.
Still better than Prometheus that worked very much like a tablespoon of NyQuil, though.
(Originally published May 15, 2017.)
Incredibly corny origin story.
James Franco was painfully miscast and looked so lost like he wasn’t even happy with what he was doing. Reminded me so much of his Oscar hosting stint.
(Originally published March 8, 2013.)
If I were ever trapped between a rock and a hard place, I probably wouldn’t even survive the first hour because: 1) I have an extremely low tolerance for pain, 2) I couldn’t even drink McDo’s milk tea, let alone my own urine, and 3) I fainted twice during the last twenty minutes of this film.
I’ll reserve all my adventures inside my bedroom thank you.
I surprised even myself that I was able to finish this stinker. The movie definitely brought out the old fart in me.
I almost lost it when James Franco started belting out Britney Spears’ Everytime (unconvincingly) on the piano. WTF?!
If the point of the movie was to scare parents from sending their daughters to spring break, it should work. This was no different from a Girls Gone Wild video.
I pitied these Disney princesses trying desperately to break free from their good girl image. Was nudity and twerking really the way to go?
Now where was Miley Cyrus when you really needed her?
(Originally published September 8, 2013.)
My notes on Why Him?:
1. Bryan Cranston obviously earned enough goodwill from Breaking Bad that allowed him to headline inane comedies like this and still keep his star status and self-respect (or at least his four Best Drama Actor Emmys). Although he would forever be known as the iconic Walter White, he actually displayed some wonderful comic timing playing Hal in Malcolm in the Middle. This movie could have been a welcome break from playing a morally reprehensible character (and being intentionally funny for a change), but seeing him get sprayed on the face by toilet water from a high-tech bidet was just too embarrassing.
2. I had always wanted an updated remake (read: millennial version) of Father of the Bride (a concerned father being overly protective of his unica hija) and I thought this was going to be it. Instead, this played very much like a reverse Meet the Parents with the entire family trooping over to the mansion of the fiancé (a spacey James Franco, prone to showing his ass and pubes) who also happened to be a tech millionaire (so rich that he owned an art installation of a dead moose suspended in its own urine). Gross? Yes. Funny? Not really.
And as expected, everybody would be drowning in that pool of urine and somebody would also unfortunately (?) discover the meaning of teabagging.
3. Top Chef: All-Stars winner Richard Blaise was here as Franco’s personal executive chef and he served the weirdest dishes like edible soil with plankton foam and edible paper with bear meat. It was a funny stab on artisanal menus and mostly worked. Seeing Cranston chew on newspaper clippings reminded me of the time I ate a lot of the White Rabbit rice paper (too hard to remove, why bother?).
4. “Don’t touch anything!” was the exact same warning my mom would tell us whenever we would visit another person’s house. Sound advice given that those wooden spoons hanging on the wall might actually cost thousands of pesos.
5. In one scene, Cranston was trying to figure out the password of Franco’s laptop so he tried all sorts of dirty combinations (“StephaniesAss”). It reminded me of the time when I would receive the new passwords of my associates that got locked out of their systems and I would be shocked to see that their old ones were “sextoy123”, “dwn2fck” or the direct to the point “iluvsex”. All of them got the spanking that they deserved.
6. Hearing Caley Cuoco as the Siri-like voice system of the mansion made me realize that I still hadn’t fully decided on who should narrate my life story. I just scratched off Morgan Freeman from the list because he had done almost everything. I guess that left me with the wonderfully deep and scratchy pipes of Shohreh Aghdashloo. Unless of course that SM Malinag kid wasn’t available (“Twee dey seyl! See yo dorr!”).
7. In this Pornhub era, does anyone still not know the meaning of double dicking and bukkake? (You don’t? Stay away from Google! NSFW!)