47 METERS DOWN (Johannes Roberts, 2017)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

It’s the kind of dumb and trashy fun flick meant to be seen on the big screen even if you’d feel a bit duped after watching (see: The Shallows).

I really loved that money shot involving a trio of sharks and a lighted flare (although I actually screamed during a Jaws rip-off scene). Ending was a bit of a cop-out.

Dear parents, please do not bring your young kids to watch this. There were a number of them in the screening earlier and when the cage started to plunge in the abyss, all of them just simultaneously started crying. Poor babies were probably scarred for life and would never even swim in a pool.

Rating: ★★★☆☆

(Originally published August 27, 2017.)

THE FINEST HOURS (Craig Gillespie, 2016)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on The Finest Hours:

1. One of the characters here mentioned that her fiancé’s scared of the water because one couldn’t see what was underneath, and this couldn’t be more true. Call it the Jaws Effect, but I would never ever touch the surface of any body of water while on a boat. I’d be too scared that something would jump out and just bite my arm off. Another excuse for me not to go to the beach.

2. I usually cry whenever I see a romantic public proposal, one that was done out of pure love and not as a showcase for potential famewhores. There was a scene here where it was the woman that bravely asked for the man’s hand in marriage. I would love to witness that in real life. It’s already 2016. Why couldn’t men be on the receiving end of marriage proposals, right?

3. Titanic had a running time of over three hours and I didn’t even feel any minute of it. This one had several scenes that reminded me of that great film, but overall it was just too damn slow. How could a disaster movie feel so boring? Not even The Perfect Storm was this tedious. This should have been called The Dullest HourzZzZz.

4. I laughed really loud when one crew member said “There’s no other wave” and a few seconds later screamed “WAVE!!” before being hit by rampaging waters. I never really felt the urgency and danger in this movie. For a true story, most of the scenes felt like a joke.

5. Seriously, people were falling everywhere but nobody was dying. If I remembered correctly, only one minor character drowned and his death didn’t really have any emotional impact. A lot of time was used to build up the back stories of the major characters but this being a Disney movie, we were all but guaranteed a happy ending.

6. I adore Ben Affleck’s directorial work, but I really think that Casey Affleck is the better actor in the family. He was impressive in To Die For, the Ocean’s movies, Gone Baby Gone, and the only reason to watch the sleep-inducing The Assassination of Jesse James by the Coward Robert Ford.

7. The slow motion water droplets special effects reminded me of a Pond’s Facial Wash commercial. I immediately had the urge to wash my oily face.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆