MOVIE REVIEW: HERE COMES THE BRIDE (Chris Martinez, 2010)

“Apir, apir, apir! Hindi na uso yan. Wisik-wisik na lang. Masdan mo ang beauty kwooohhh, tataas ang kilay mwohhh! Tseeehh!!” Achieve na achieve si Angelica Panganiban dito. Definitely one of the best comedic performances in Philippine cinema history.

Mahusay din ang buong ensemble. Ang saya nung sequence ng multiple personality switches during the second solar eclipse. Lalong na-highlight kung gaano ka-talented yung cast. Given naman na magagaling na mga komedyante sina Eugene Domingo, John Lapus, and Tuesday Vargas, pero who knew na sobrang nakakatawa ni Jaime Fabregas? Kahit ilang beses ko na ito napanood ang lakas pa rin ng tawa ko sa Markova bit niya.

Pero yung totoo, kung magising ka isang araw sa katawan ni Angelica, ano ang unang-una mong gagawin? Wrong answers only.

Rating: ★★★★☆

MOVIE REVIEW: THE MOMMY RETURNS (Joel Lamangan, 2012)

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Abysmal wouldn’t even begin to describe this which seemed to be a hodgepodge of ham actors, lame dialogue, unlikable characters, senseless plot, bad editing, corny jokes, and low-class special effects.

Not even the usually reliable Pokwang and John Lapus could save this terrible material. This was the kind of movie that was so bad you wouldn’t even wait for it on free TV.

I hope Joel Lamangan would stay away from this genre. Eternally.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published May 19, 2012.)

MOVIE REVIEW: MORON 5 AND THE CRYING LADY (Wenn Deramas, 2012)

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Deramas scraped the bottom of the barrel with this idiotic movie filled with corny dated jokes and groan-worthy punchlines. I thought Praybeyt Benjamin (currently the highest-grossing Pinoy movie of all time) was his most pitiful work with its strained humor but it just got dethroned. At least that movie had a genuine comedian in Vice Ganda; this one had five actors all doing their darndest to be funny. Failing to elicit laughs would be an understatement. My constant eye-rolling almost caused a seizure. There was only one good bit involving John Lapus brilliantly imitating the cast of Shaider. Everything else was the usual piece of crap expected from the director’s brand of comedy.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published April 10, 2012.)

MOVIE REVIEW: HALIK SA HANGIN (Emmanuel Palo, 2015)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Halik sa Hangin:

1. The movie opened with a surprise party that must have been designed to give bit roles to lesser-known Star Magic talents and PBB teen stars. How these kids were able to rent/decorate/reach such place would be one of the movie’s biggest mysteries.

2. The LGBT community should thank Star Cinema for always supporting these gay actors playing straight roles. I suddenly remembered this network war joke that GMA actors were straight guys playing gay roles and ABS actors were the exact opposite. 

3. I was happy to see the return of Ina Raymundo. And then I felt bad for her for being part of this movie.

4. Speaking of gay actors playing straight roles, I think this was John Lapus’ best role to date. He was great as Julia Montes’ father and even played the guitar really well. Good for him!

5. Heard during a Full Moon party scene:

“Yeah party! Whoo ang saya!!”

Seriously, would self-respecting partygoer will say this?

6. Julia to Gerald Anderson: “Ang lamig mo.” His response: “Hindi mainit ka lang.”

Another reason why we should never have a Pinoy Twilight remake.

7. Gerald: “You’re MTB.”

Julia: “Meant to be?”

Gerald: “Meant to break…my heart.”

Koya, eh di MTBMH na yan!!

8. Julia looked really good onscreen. She reminded me a bit of MJ Lastimosa and I kept wondering if she had veneers. Her collaborations with director Emmanuel Palo had all been disastrous. It’s time for a new director. Or probably just better material?

9. In one scene, our heroine arrived using a Vespa. In the next scene, she was shown walking home. It’s The Case of the Disappearing Vespa.

10. Here’s the best line of the movie:

“You made me fall in love with you. You’re so unfair. Shit ka! Hindi ka buhay. Patay ka na! Patay ka na! Anong gusto mo gawin ko tumawid sa kabilang buhay para makasama ka?”

And that kids is why you shouldn’t do drugs.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published February 1, 2015.)

MOVIE REVIEW: JUMANJI: WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE (Jake Kasdan, 2017)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle:

1. If this video game version of Jumanji were real, I’d most probably end up with the Mouse Finbar (Kevin Hart) avatar since I’d usually choose the smartest (albeit the physically weakest) character. I never went for warriors or fighters in any role-playing game. I’d usually be a wizard or a mage with the highest intelligence and the strongest spells. Even in my fantasy world, I was the geek choosing brains over brawns.

(Also, cake would aptly be my weakness that would cause me to spontaneously combust.)

2. I had really low expectations going in this reboot because I wasn’t that fond of the original material so I was pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed this fun popcorn flick. Even if it didn’t make a lot of sense (both as an adventure and video game movie), it was able to capitalize on the individual strengths of its really talented cast.

3. Jack Black was hilarious as a vain teenage girl trapped in an older obese man’s body (his wicked performance reminded me of John Lapus’ in Here Comes the Bride). From his utter disgust upon seeing his reflection, to the way he swished his arms while running away from enemies, down to his inspired quips (“I look like a living garden gnome!”), he fully embraced his character and brought back the funnyman last seen in Nacho Libre.

My favorite moment with him was when he needed to take a leak and saw male genitalia for the first time (“Martha, come look at my penis!!”). I needed a puff of my inhaler after that one.

4. Kevin Hart, with his usual high-pitched delivery, elicited laughs aimed at his character’s height and lack of speed and strength (really laughed hard when he got smacked face first onto the side of a cliff).

The Rock took advantage of his signature eyebrows and smoldering intensity, while Karen Gillan (check out her now-defunct sitcom Selfie!) made awkwardness look really hot and sexy (“Did she twist her ankle?” LOL!). The scene where the two of them had their (sloppy) first kiss was a hoot.

5. When Spencer went to the so-called freak house wearing a yellow raincoat, was that a direct reference to the It movie?

6. How did the board game magically turn into what looked like an updated Atari console? Also, wasn’t it too advanced to have four controllers slash players during the late ‘90s gaming era? If anything, I definitely geeked out at specific references such as NPC (non-player characters) and the spot-on explanation of cut scenes.

When a character gave one of her lives to another, I was even reminded of the game Contra when my brother would steal my lives because he was a weak player (peace bro!). Another sequence where they had to step only on the white bricks or had to freeze not to get killed by booby traps was reminiscent of Resident Evil. Cool gaming stuff!!

7. Speaking of references, the Alex character (Nick Jonas) reminded me yet again of my age when he mentioned Cindy Crawford and used catchphrases like ‘so fly’. But seriously, the 90s supermodels were like royalty back then, no? Christy Turlington, Linda Evangelista, Naomi Campbell and company were ‘the bomb’.

I even rented the VHS copy of box office flop Fair Game several times from ACA Video to pay my respect to the wonderful acting of Crawford and William Baldwin (train rides were never the same after watching that). Be kind, rewind? I sure did.

(Also, the women were obviously invested in this Jonas brother because there were audible gasps in the audience when he got bitten by a mosquito. Ok, I gasped as well. So what?)

8. Shelly Oberon (Black) screaming “Yassss kweeen!” to Ruby Roundhouse (Gillan) was the highlight of my week.

9. I wasn’t the only one that teared up a bit during that Alan Parrish scene, right? *sniff, sniff*

Rating: ★★★☆☆

HISTORIOGRAPHIKA ERRATA (Richard Somes, 2017)

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Like a loud, annoying, and horny uncle in a family reunion that had one too many Red Horse beers delivered his unsolicited version of Drunk (Philippine) History. In his made-up story, Andres Bonifacio was played by Jett Pangan in a wig and baro’t saya, looking very much like John Lapus in drag and ready to battle the Moron 5.

His choice of metaphor for the rape of our country was Nathalie Hart with her permanent bee-stung lips literally getting passed around and pumped from all angles while delivering several variations of the line “Wag mong iputok sa loob!”.

Beware of this uncle. Tito Jo, wag po!!

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆