NON-STOP (Jaume Collet-Sera, 2014)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Non-Stop:

1. It’s interesting how Liam Neeson has taken the Jodie Foster route of starting as a serious dramatic actor then moving on to commercial thrillers. Not that there’s anything wrong with it. He brings a certain amount of depth in these generic thrillers that make them watchable. (Oh, I guess this is his Flightplan.)

2. I love Lupita Nyong’o and I haven’t even seen 12 Years a Slave. It’s too bad we don’t get to see her do much in this one. She rocked that flight attendant outfit, though. Always a fashion royalty.

3. Forget the plot and suspend your disbelief. Too much analysis and critical thinking will spoil your enjoyment of the movie.

4. I love Julianne Moore but she was so annoying here. Wait, her character’s supposed to be annoying? What a brilliant actress!! (Die-hard fan.)

5. Too many red herrings almost spoiled this stew. It was still fun to play the guessing game, though.

6. There was this money shot of Neeson in full action hero mode (you’ll know it when you see it) that made people cheer in their seats. Cheesy fun, I tell you.

7. I couldn’t breathe during the last few minutes of the movie that I grabbed tightly on my inhaler. I also gasped loudly in one heart-pounding scene (again, you’ll know it when you see it). Yes, I’m dramatic like that.

8. I’m sure this won’t be shown in any of your international flights any time soon.

Rating: ★★★☆☆

(Originally published March 1, 2014.)

SEVENTH SON (Sergei Bodrov, 2014)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Seventh Son:

1. The movie opened with Jeff Bridges playing a drunk Gandalf talking with his mouth full and giving a whole new meaning to scenery-chewing. I hope the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences voters never have the time to see this terrible performance.

2. Speaking of the Oscars, I was just happy to see that this won’t be shown in the US until February. Julianne Moore’s work here wasn’t the stuff of a future Oscar winner. This was way below Norbit levels.

3. I want that instant rejuvenation spell. I wonder if it’s on Belo Medical’s list of services.

4. Twenty minutes into the movie and I still had no idea what was happening. There was mention of a spook, something about a blood moon, and the seventh son of the seventh son, but all I cared about was the charred body of Jon Snow.

5. Those blood cakes combined the best of both worlds: it was simply puto made of dinuguan. Yum!!

6. Oh, so Gandalf was also Mr. Miyagi with a Medieval Irish accent.

7. A character was given an ogre scrotum for his enjoyment. Now I understand why they walk really funny.

8. Apparently, there would be a literal spark (and blue for that matter) when two people were destined to be together. We kept seeing the literal spark but the bland young actors actually didn’t have any. I wished for Lorna Tolentino to suddenly enter the scene in full racist Chinese eye make-up and scream, “Ano kayo Meralco? Kelangan may spark?”

9. I laughed so hard during the final scene when our hero flipped his hood, the music swelled, the screen faded to black, and it hinted at a possible sequel.

10. For whatever it’s worth, at least it was no Season of the Witch.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published January 10, 2015.)