TARZAN (Reinhard Klooss, 2013)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Tarzan:

1. Oh no, it’s an animated reimagining of Edgar Rice Burrough’s Tarzan! I thought it was a live action movie with a shirtless Kellan Lutz.

2. It starts with a scene from outer space. A meteor crashes into Earth during the dinosaur age. Wait, is this still Tarzan?

3. Given the current technology, I can’t believe how horrible the animation is. Definitely a step backwards for cartoons.

4. If Tarzan wasn’t raised by apes and knew how to talk as a kid, why would he suddenly act like an ape and not know how to speak? Groan.

5. With this and Hercules, it’s just the start of the year and K.Lutz already owes me a great deal of money.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published January 20, 2014.)

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THE LEGEND OF HERCULES (Renny Harlin, 2014)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on The Legend of Hercules:

1. The special effects were so bad that they used the same fake lion that mauled Eugene Domingo in Momzillas.

2. If Hercules is a demigod with extraordinary strength, then why can’t he kill his opponents with one blow? I know I’m overthinking. So bored.

3. Hercules wins a fight and the people start throwing confetti. That scene really made me laugh out loud.

4. Kellan Lutz has saucer-sized nipples. I remember this product I saw in Makati Cinema Square that can make one’s nipples rosy pink.

5. Lutz is a bad actor. As in Gerald Anderson level. And he loves making tampisaw in the batis. He should have Mother Lily’s magic kamison.

6. Why do people keep shouting their lines in these Greek/Roman movies? It’s like the other soldiers or townspeople are deaf. Laging galit din.

7. Stay for the end credits. I think they used live goats on the soundtrack. I have no words.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published January 11, 2014.)