THIS TIME I’LL BE SWEETER (Joel Lamangan, 2017)

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Saan ba dapat itapon ang pelikulang ito: sa Nabubulok o sa Di Nabubulok? It was the lowest form of filmmaking that the very first scene alone was already out of focus. It was also riddled with an incredible amount of pointless events and continuity issues (and the funniest airplane crash in cinema history).

Ken Chan (eeriely sounding like Aljur Abrenica) played a swimmer who had the exact same amount of baby fats that I retained from years of eating KFC. The usually competent Barbie Forteza was too annoying here, very much like her red hair extensions.

In one scene, Akihiro Blanco professed his love to Barbie in a library and chose to do it across from her with a bookshelf between them. Para artistic ang shot. Nabasted tuloy siya sa kaartehan niya. Buti nga.

I couldn’t get over the sheer silliness in this movie. Ken’s family owned an airline company and yet he had to purchase his tickets for that airline at the check-in counter. In another, he dragged Barbie to the rooftop and said, “Ang hangin no?” and yet her mega curls weren’t even moving. (May fascination nga pala ang pelikula sa bubong scenes. Marami-rami sila.)

More iyak si Ken out of guilt sa death of a family member and then paglabas sa mausoleum more landian na with Barbie sa ulanan. Seriously? Mas natuwa pa ako kung nabuhay yung bangkay tapos binatukan silang dalawa.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

‪ENTENG KABISOTE 10 AND THE ABANGERS (Tony Reyes, Marlon Rivera, 2016)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Enteng Kabisote 10 and the Abangers:

1. I already wasted two hours of my life watching this movie and I figured that I wouldn’t want to waste more time writing down these notes, but then it would be a crime not to share my grueling experience and let other people suffer the same fate. So let me start with these brilliant lines that might convince you to rethink that planned family bonding to the cinema:

• Joey de Leon as Pandoy, Alalay ng Panday: “Pang-araw lang yun kaya Pang-Day. Ang pangalan ko kapag gabi, Pang-Gay.” And then he swished and sashayed down the corridor. Groan.

• Ken Chan and Bea Binene getting scared from an approaching villain: “May tatlong bibe akong nakita. Mataba, mapayat, mga bibe.” HUH?! Groan.

• Vic Sotto on Aiza Seguerra: “Akalain mo mahilig pala sa itlog ang batang yun.” Groan.

• An employee of Enteng Kabisote Robotics introducing the new Iron Man-like costume: “Eto ang bagong Kalba Kalba Kalba Kameleon.” Groan.

• Bossing to his four employees speaking in unison: “Nag-duet pa kayong apat ha!” HUH?! Groan.

2. As a huge fan of the Okay Ka, Fairy Ko TV series, I could only cry in my seat while seeing this tenth film installment mutate into the lamest Marvel wannabe. Ina Magenta had the right instincts about Enteng Kabisote after all. The ending even had the gall to hint at another sequel. Kapag natuloy ito, ako na mismo ang magsisimula ng Infinity War.

3. Infer, ang lakas maka-gwapo ng ash silver hair ni Bossing. I might try that shade soon.

4. Poor Epy Quizon was in full acting na acting mode even if his character didn’t really have much to do except be included in an embarrassing battle sequence ala Mortal Kombat set to the Tatlong Bibe Remix.

5. Most of the jokes were as outdated as Pandoy. The extended walling montage set to April Boy Regino’s Di Ko Kayang Tanggapin was just annoying. That Madam Oring line? Eek! And they still had a stale Pabebe Girls reference. Wala na talagang ibang maisip?

6. Why were Alden Richards and Maine Mendoza (in ugly heavy eyeliner! as a huge fan, I am incensed beyond belief) inserted in every Bohol scene even if their characters didn’t really serve any purpose? How many times did Bossing have to ask the perennial “Kayo na ba?” question before it started getting old? Were the filmmakers scared to shortchange AlDub Nation lest they get burned at the stakes set up in Kamuning?

7. If there was one good thing here, I only noticed a single product placement (for O+). Consider that one tiny step for mankind.

8. I couldn’t stop laughing at the drones that looked like they were purchased from CD-R King. Also, why did the team spend a lot of time assembling one drone when Oyo Boy Sotto’s character could magically reproduce the same thing pala?

9. During the climactic fight scene, laser beams were shooting out of Bossing’s groin while he furiously pumped his hips (or more appropriately, made kadyot motions).

Yes, this is really the kind of family movie that kids should be watching for Christmas.

‪Rating: ★☆☆☆☆‬