MOVIE REVIEW: CAPTAIN BARBELL (Mac Alejandre, 2003)

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Hindi ko talaga ma-take na naging Captain Barbell (Bong Revilla) si Enteng (Ogie Alcasid) dahil lang nagbuhat siya ng random barbell sa Gold’s Gym. Sobrang layo nito sa 80’s version ni Leroy Salvador na tungkol sa value of kindness.

Nakakatawa na dad bod na si Bong dito kaya obvious na hirap na hirap yung harness tuwing lilipad siya or bababa sa lupa. At bakit ba mas concerned ang pelikula sa lovelife niya?

Favorite part ko yung nalaglag sa bangin yung kotse ni Regine Velasquez tapos mga five seconds siya nahuhulog sa ere (in full horrible vfx) bago na-save ni Captain Barbell. Tapos sa halip na magpasalamat, pinabuhat din ng kapatid niya yung kotse nila kasi mahal nga naman ang downpayment diba.

In one dream sequence, lumabas din sina Darna at Lastikman. Bakit nga ba wala tayong Mars Ravelo Cinematic Universe? Mga tagapaghiganti magtipon!!

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

MOVIE REVIEW: THE ANNULMENT (Mac Alejandre, 2019)

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Hiyang-hiya si Britney Spears sa pagka-toxic ng mag-asawang ‘to.

Grabe for a drama sobrang dami ng tawa ko lalo na nung nagbuhusan sila ng isang jug ng water before mag-kitchen sex tapos slo-mo focus sa basang-basang (wink, wink) chest ni Joem Bascon hahaha! Tapos nung sex scene inutusan niya si Lovi Poe na “Kagatin mo!” habang pababa si ate mo sa nipples at pototoy niya hahaha!

Lovi to Myrtle Sarrosa (who should probably stick to cosplaying): “Sino ka? Anong tawag nila sa’yo maliban sa kabit?” (Hello gurl di mo ba kilala si Ate Marya? Eh di kerida, mistress, number 2 are you facking my husband anuba!!)

Meron pa parang marital rape na biglang naging angry sex na puro hampasan (sa braso??) na napaisip ako kung malamok lang sa kwarto nila.

Best yung totoong sinabon ni Lovi ang likod ni Joem sa shower sex scene. Very realistic. At syempre hagalpak ako nung sumbatan na ng infidelity at tinanong ni ate kung “Sinasabon mo rin ba ang likod niya?”. Hahahahaha!!

But wait, hindi pa ako umaabot dun sa OA court scene na straight out of Ipaglaban Mo. Mas naiyak ako at na-bother na pinayagan ng judge yung ganung shade ng purple lipstick sa lawyer ni Lovi. I object!!

Sigurado ba talaga na hindi ito directed by Joel Lamangan?

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

MOVIE REVIEW: JUST ONE SUMMER (Mac Alejandre, 2012)

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This movie was pure torture to sit through, especially since it made a lot of our talented local actors come out hysterical and hammy (Joel Torre with eyes popping out of their sockets, Cherry Pie Picache acting subdued and lazy, Alice Dixson sounding shrill, and a worthless supporting turn from Ms. Gloria Romero).

I tried to think of something nice to say but with the poor direction and terrible performances, I just couldn’t.

Elmo Magalona delivered his lines like he was in a declamation contest (in time for Buwan ng Wika). Oh, and there was a “gulong-gulong down the burol” scene that will probably end up as the most cringeworthy moment in Pinoy cinema this year.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published August 24, 2012.)

MOVIE REVIEW: IN YOUR EYES (Mac Alejandre, 2010)

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The movie, the characters, and the storyline were all completely despicable. It was hard to root for anyone in this awful movie because the characters probably weren’t written to make clear judgements.

Don’t get me started on the horrendous non-acting of Richard Gutierrez. Stupid decisions were made, improbable outcomes happened, and then the movie had the gall to fast-forward two years later where the characters simply forgot everything that happened and lived happily ever after. “Hey, you made out with my sister but that’s okay since we all have green cards now. Let’s fix our relationship and forget everything. Call me maybe?”

You would definitely want to take a long cold shower to remove this much filth from your mind.

Rating: 1/5