GRUDGE MATCH (Peter Segal, 2013)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Grudge Match:

1. The movie opened with a Manny Pacquiao fight. I actually thought it was a Public Service Announcement to pay taxes.

2. Oooh, so this is a comedy about two old boxers starring actors that played Rocky Balboa and Jake LaMotta. It should be fun.

3. After the success of Meet the Parents, Robert de Niro seemed to have found his niche in these corny lightweight comedies.

4. I laughed so hard during that Rocky reference with Stallone about to punch a hanging piece of meat. I guess I was the only old person here.

5. It’s Jon Bernthal Week! He was good in The Wolf of Wall Street, too.

6. Another proof of the Oscar Best Supporting Actress Curse: Kim Basinger.

7. Holyfield and Tyson in the end credits! I wonder if the movie were funnier if it starred them instead.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published January 20, 2014.)

MOVIE REVIEW: BEFORE I GO TO SLEEP (Rowan Joffe, 2014)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Before I Go To Sleep:

1. The movie started with Nicole Kidman waking up naked and not knowing where she was and why she was with Colin Firth. You’d think someone regal like him would at least be polite in bed. (Both actors here were terrible, by the way.)

2. Within the first few minutes, any movie watcher would encounter a cinematic deja vu whether they were fans of Memento, 50 First Dates, or The Vow. By the end of the movie, everyone would be wishing they had short-term memory instead.

3. It was nice to see Kidman with stretch marks. Okay, so those were fake stretch marks. Fine. It’s not like those were the only things fake on her. (I kid. I actually like her. For real.)

4. The story had more holes than Swiss cheese. If I enumerate them all here, my head would just burst from severe frustration.

5. If you love movies peppered with medical terms such as confabulation and countertransference, then this one’s for you.

6. I was happy to see a Nokia 3310 still in use in this movie. So many good Snake memories.

7. Where could I buy that Panasonic Lumix camera that never needed to be charged and seemed unbreakable even if dropped a few feet in the air? Recommended for photographers everywhere.

8. Kidman’s face got slammed on a wall, punched repeatedly, and beaten more than Pacquaio’s in his last match with Marquez and she only ended up with a slight bruise on her cheek the next day. Now that’s the power of Botox. (I’m sorry. I love her. Seriously.)

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published January 20, 2015.)