MOVIE REVIEW: 3POL TROBOL: HULI KA BALBON! (Rodel Nacianceno, 2019)

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Sorry, mahal kita Coco Martin, but you will never be Fernando Poe, Jr. Huwag mo sayangin ang husay mo sa pag-arte sa ganitong mga regressive at problematic na pelikula na dapat namatay na noong ‘90s.

Napaka-helpless ng character ni Jennylyn Mercado dito. Nung nagsusuntukan sina Coco at Sam Milby, wala siyang ginawa kundi sumigaw sa gilid ng batis ng “Tama na, tumigil ka na! Pol, mag-ingat ka Pol!” Ganito yung tipo ng mga babae na nagrereklamo sa social media na di sila pinapaupo ng mga lalaki sa MRT. Jusko itatakwil ka ng Gabriela ghorl!

Wasted opportunity na hindi kinuha si Maxine Medina pantapat sa tucked Paloma character ni Coco. Pero at least nalaman ko na fan siya ng White Chicks sa dami ng ginaya dito.

Lakas ng tawa ko nung yung isa sa mga goons hinawakan sa baba si Rowell Santiago para i-check kung buhay pa siya after ng ambush.

Lastly, natuwa ako kasi nagpunta sila sa probinsya namin na Balete, Batangas pero bakit walang punto yung mga nakatira dun. Ah ah naman paano baga nangyari iyun? Nakakaadwa naman aring si Coco baka masampiga ko ay lungangi iyan.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

PINAY BEAUTY (SHE’S NO WHITE) (Jay Abello, 2018)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

More corny than funny. Sample joke: a burglar broke into a home and accidentally smashed a vase. Old man to burglar: “300 years old na yang vase na yan ah!!”. Burglar to old man: “Hay salamat! Akala ko bago.” Wenk, wenk, wenk!

Although we’re admittedly racist in nature, I still cringed a bit when characters found humor in lines like “Anong akala mo sa Pilipina? Lahat itsurang ita?” or “Majitim, majitim. Black parang si Barack!”. Or was the movie actually telling us not to laugh? I was confused.

It was great to see the uber talented Chai Fonacier lead a movie (especially one that championed morena beauty), but she deserved so much better. Her faux Pak’s Brownening Soap ad said so much more about our mestisa obsession in 30 seconds than this one did in 1.5 hours.

At least it was hilarious to watch Maxine Medina play a beautiful-looking but terrible actress. I’m almost sure that wasn’t much of a stretch.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published August 15, 2018.)