CLASS OF 2018 (Charliebebs Gohetia, 2018)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Class of 2018:

1. Seeing the Goin’ Bulilit slash Star Circle Quest kids all grown up in a reunion movie made me feel so much older. I was part of the Class of ‘97 and every year we were tasked to stage these plays for the batch competition (a prison drama called Condemned, a reinterpretation of Florante at Laura, and excerpts from Noli Me Tangere and El Filibusterismo). I was greatly reminded of them while watching this movie (para kasi siyang high school production na lahat ng students sa class pinilit ni Ma’m na sumali kahit konti lang talaga sa kanila ang marunong umarte; sadly, mukhang row 4 sa acting workshops ang mga ‘to).

2. As soon as “February 1986” was flashed onscreen, I knew that this genre mash-up would try to be politically-relevant. Characters spouted platitudes like “Basta galing sa taas ang utos, sinusunod n’yo na lang kahit walang dahilan” or familiar quotable quotes like “I invoke my right to self-incrimination”, anti-fascism messages were spray-painted on the walls, and the biggest reveal in the end was that Sharlene San Pedro (Ada) actually played Jover Laurio.

3. So Ada maintained a blog called The Dark Side of Things where she posted school chismis and blind items (wait, shouldn’t she be Fashion Pulis instead?) complete with pictures of creepy clay dolls that she made for each of her subjects. It was very much like an online Burn Book for public consumption.

Ada probably should have spent less time in front of the computer because I noticed that she was using the extra large fonts on her cellphone. Also, she was lactose-intolerant and therefore hated pastillas. We wouldn’t be friends in high school.

Side note: If there was one thing that I liked here, it was the opening credits with the vandalized yearbook-type photos.

4. Fe GingGing Hyde won an Urian Best Actress award in 2011 for Sheika. As the terror teacher (or principal, didn’t matter) here, she was all kinds of awful. It was already bad enough that she got saddled with a caricature who was expected to blow her top off in every scene, but her shrill performance only made it worse. She was only overshadowed by that scientist actress at the start of the movie whose absurd reactions kept me thinking if she was also infected by the zombie virus.

5. Pop culture references aside from Mean Girls included the freshly ripped-off decapitation scene of Hereditary, the flashsideways of Lost that played after every person’s death, a pilit Temptation Island quote, a Kimmy Dora rapping duo (subtitled Tweedledee and Tweedledum), and current mobile games (“Mega Kill!”). Even the entire twist of the Super Soldier program was also vaguely familiar (it reminded me of The Cabin in the Woods, but I’m sure there was another similar movie).

Oh and in one scene, a zombie student shouted “Wakanda forever!” inside a bus before he terrorized his classmates. Just the kind of inanity expected from this.

6. For a part-horror movie, there was no sense of danger at all. Na-hostage na sila at ang iba naging zombies with raccoon eyes pero yung mga characters parang naglalaro lang. Puro kaartehan at patawa.

Kiray Celis (Venus) to kidnapper: “Ouch! Don’t touch me. Eww!” Seryoso??

But nothing here really made a lot of sense. In one scene, a manyak guy was accidentally gored by a protruding rusty pole. It ended with class clown slash babaeng bakla Kristel Fulgar (Princess) asking, “Ano mag-walk out na lang ba kayo? Hindi man lang ba tayo mag-moment?” Huh??

In another, a girl hugged her zombie boyfriend (“Babe kumalma ka na please. Tama na ha…) like she was pacifying a stubborn puppy. She probably thought that love was the cure to everything. Ayun, sinaksak sya sa likod and eventually died which was actually how all love stories ended.

7. Burning questions:

• Where did Ada learn how to handle heavy firearm? And why did she use her machine gun to destroy the CCTV cameras but only made tusok-tusok movements when the zombies attacked her?

• One of the mean girls plunged several floors down to her death and her equally mean girl friend pretended to frame her corpse and said “Nice shot!”. Another girl got stabbed on the chest, but she had enough time to take a selfie before dying. Were these supposed to be funny in a “millennials are so shallow haha!” way?

• Yung isang character natuluan ng ihi. He just removed his shirt and continued eating chips. Medyo baboy. Who was that actor? (Asking for a friend.)

• Mauuna pa ba magka-kissing scene si Sharlene kesa kay Sarah G? (Seriously though, malakas ang kilig ng NashLene. A future Black Sheep rom-com, perhaps?)

8. Best part yung may tumakbong totoong daga from one end of the screen to the other (kasama ba sa bayad yan Southmall Cinemas?). Sabagay san pa ba lalapit ang daga kundi sa basura?

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

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READY PLAYER ONE (Steven Spielberg, 2018)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Ready Player One:

1. During the olden days, my only goal in life was to be the top scorer of our family in a game of Pac-Man. I would wake up in the middle of the night while everyone slept (especially my mom who would get really cranky with the additional electricity consumption) and silently crouch over this black plastic Atari controller for hours on end while gobbling pellets and running away from ghosts named Pinky and Blinky.

Whenever we had guests or relatives come over for lunch or dinner, I would be in front of the TV screen and showing off (a better term would be pakitang-gilas) my agility and dexterity through a video game. “Yan lang ang ginagawa niyan buong araw”, my dad would proudly say while I continued to wow the crowd with the completion of every level. Weeks later, my brother would master the newest Missile Command game and that signalled the end of my Pac-Man glory days.

2. I never really considered myself as a certified gamer even if I had played a lot of games across different platforms (from the ancient Nintendo Family Computer to the current PlayStation 4). I couldn’t even learn the basic controls in Street Fighter or Mortal Kombat and my usual battle consisted of pushing every button while hoping for a special attack. Still, my insides would tingle at the mere mention of Space Invaders, Super Mario Bros., Civilization, or Final Fantasy. It was this same geeky pride plus the astounding power of nostalgia that made me enjoy this film which seemed to coast on an abundance of pop culture references (easter eggs galore!). I loudly squealed in my seat when a chocobo appeared during the ultimate battle sequence.

3. Spielberg films had always been criticized for their overt sentimentality and it was surprisingly lacking in this one. I expected myself to turn into a puddle of emotions when Wade/Parzival (a terribly bland Tye Sheridan) unlocked the third puzzle, but it just didn’t feel completely magical (I probably cried more when Charlie discovered that he won the final Golden Ticket for the Chocolate Factory). Maybe it was because the movie was already running on for far too long or that it was trying to generate last minute faux excitement, but my brain was just screaming “Just stick that freakin’ key in that effin’ hole, dammit!”.

4. I really liked how the coolest sequence in the movie was a nod to the huge disappointment of my all-time favorite author on the adaptation of one of his finest novels. The twins, Room 237 with the naked old lady, the river of blood from the elevator, and the iconic axe hacking itself on the bathroom door, stuff of a true classic. I never fully understood Stephen King’s disdain for The Shining film considering that the thought of Danny repeatedly croaking the word “Redrum” while holding a giant knife still freaked me to this day.

5. Has anyone read the book (or is a real-life Sheldon Cooper)? Kindly enlighten me on the following burning questions:

• Who was funding The Oasis? I knew James Halliday (a great Mark Rylance) was a trillionaire, but did he really have that much money to keep a game running for more than five years after his death? I was just curious because when Parzival retrieved the first key, he won 100,000 virtual coins that he used to purchase a body suit in the real world.

• Why would such a powerful man like Nolan Sorrento (Ben Mendelsohn) not even bother to memorize his password? It was only B055man69 and not something tough like B0$$m4n_Ph0wz_aQuoH69. Did he have a reason for scribbling down such a confidential information on a piece of paper and keeping it on his armrest other than being a MacGuffin?

• Who was Gundam and was he really that popular? (Fanboys, please don’t kill me. I seriously had no clue.)

6. More than the shoulder pads, leotards, and heavy perms, the 80’s would best be remembered because of its glorious songs, no? Nothing would beat humming along to a good old Hall & Oates song on your best days. (I would always associate Blondie’s One Way or Another with Mean Girls, though. Yup, Trang Pak made out with Coach Carr.)

7. Wouldn’t it be fun if their online personas/avatars were completely far off from their real identities? When Aech (Lena Waithe) mentioned that the real Art3mis (Olivia Cooke) could actually be an overweight old man, I really wished this were true. Wasn’t it Wade himself who said that people stayed in The Oasis because of all the things that they could be? Why didn’t we get a lot more of these people playing out their online fantasies? It could have saved us from the icky (and forced) love story as well. That part was even more horrific than the thought of virtual reality putting an end to human connections. Besides, shouldn’t reality be real?

Rating: ★★★☆☆

THE DEBUTANTES (Prime Cruz, 2017)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on The Debutantes:

1. I still haven’t forgotten about the clunky twist of last week’s Last Night and now we get another movie that hinged on the big reveal of an ‘imaginary’ being. Are our writers running out of original ideas to surprise the audience?

It probably would have been more acceptable if the said twist wasn’t so obvious the moment you see young Jona Soquite (or at least who I thought was her). Seriously, why would ‘siblings’ with a huge age gap have that twinning kind of severe BANGS (yes, nagsusumigaw) anyway? The only mystery left was whether she was the evil side of Carrie, er, Kate (a competent Sue Ramirez), or a completely different entity altogether (answer: sadly, the latter).

2. I had this discussion recently with a filmmaker friend on the lack of creative main titles in recent films (especially Star Cinema ones). We would usually see the same old cast names in red (or white) Times New Roman or Comic Sans fonts that clearly revealed the lack of originality or how much the final product was rushed.

One good thing about this movie was that it had a good opening credit sequence with blood flowing/dripping endlessly on various objects like a flower (cattleya?) or on the lips that would figure prominently later on. Reminded me so much of the Emmy-winning design for Six Feet Under.

3. Although the bullying and the public humiliation reminded me of Carrie, the similarity ended there because it was hard not to sympathize with the Mean Girls when this was obviously not an outright revenge flick. How could I cheer for the eventual deaths of young, irritating girls when Kate wasn’t the one doing the killings?

I never really rooted for a maligno, except for this one time when the Undin hid in the toilet bowl and preyed on the loudmouth landlady played by Vangie Labalan.

4. Speaking of Mean Girls, I couldn’t get why Ivy Aguas wannabe Jenny (Jane de Leon) was considered the Queen Bee. She didn’t look or speak the part and Michelle Vito as Candice had more of the Regina George vibe (although the latter was also a terrible actress so maybe that was the reason?).

To be fair, the Jenny character was a hoot. I laughed out loud when she said, “Hey guys, as you all know it’s my birthday. Yeeeees! Happy birthday to meeeee!!”.

5. I also couldn’t understand how Miles Ocampo ended up with this group of bitches considering that her Lara character seemed like the typical goody two-shoes. Sure, she lived alone in a humongous house and had an annoying fringed bag that screamed social climber, but her personality just didn’t seem to fit with the group. Was it because she was too dumb to know the difference between Geometry and Calculus and the group needed a budget Karen Smith?

6. Why would Kate agree to wear a revealing halter top when she had visible scratch marks on her back? Also, why didn’t she even bother to check how loose those strings were prior to attending a party full of privileged brats?

In this day and age of social media prominence, who would still post a public status of them embarrassing other people? Have these kids already forgotten about Ate Amalayer, or the Kuya that threw a hissy fit in Alfamart and got knocked down by a loaf of Gardenia, or the Sisteret that wanted to hog all the chairs in Starbucks? A documented case of bullying sounded like an instant lawsuit to me.

7. This was a Prime Cruz movie so of course it looked good. I really loved the use of saturated colors and I hope that it wasn’t just a product of SM Cinemas’ poor projection. I kinda missed his cool soundtrack though and the songs were mostly utilized during the end credits.

8. I really don’t get how these onscreen characters would cut their own hair and they’d always end up with salon gorgeous looks after. If I were to handle my own haircut, my mother would most probably ask if I recently had ‘tipus’ (uhm, thyphoid fever).

9. Why would a traumatized Kate immediately attend the wake of one of her bullies? Was it because we needed a scare scene involving a coffin? And why was Candice wearing a stylish cover-up and pekpek shorts there? Jenny should really have risen from the dead and slapped her silly for stealing the limelight (and for lack of respect, naturally).

10. Most of the horror elements were familiar tropes (they basically replaced the hair braid coming out of Naomi Watts’ throat in The Ring with a necklace; the jump scene when somebody would open a fridge and a person would be standing behind it was used twice, the other with a locker; the setup where the ghost would pull on the blanket of a sleeping person looked straight out of The Conjuring) and even impressive scenes like when the engkanto came out of Kate’s mouth looked similar to the one in The Possession (or one of the Ouija movies). I spent most of the time chuckling at how bad the death scenes were staged.

11. That was one dirty toilet bowl. Candice, please ask your maid to check the Coke hack on Facebook pronto.

12. This was the type of horror movie where a person in a pool would see the moo moo and decide to swim to the other side instead of getting her ass out of the water and fleeing for dear life. Congratulations Shayne (Chanel Morales) for winning this month’s Darwin Award!!

Rating: ★★☆☆☆