MOVIE REVIEW: OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN (Antoine Fuqua, 2013)

6D8DD7AD-F5CF-4C34-BF2A-AB35537F3F48

SPOILER ALERT!!

Excessive use of action cliches and overzealous patriotism. Is this an homage or a parody?

It felt like a throwback to the 90’s action movies. I’m sure the late great Fernando Poe, Jr. would have made a better film.

The movie covered all the action cliches from the one-man killing machine to the final second time-bomb detonation.

I was even more surprised that Ashley Judd was disposed after the first 5 minutes. She would have kicked ass as the heroine.

With this and Oblivion, it’s the Morgan Freeman-Melissa Leo filmfest this week.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published April 17, 2013.)

MOVIE REVIEW: WHY HIM? (John Hamburg, 2016)

img_1466

SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Why Him?:

1. Bryan Cranston obviously earned enough goodwill from Breaking Bad that allowed him to headline inane comedies like this and still keep his star status and self-respect (or at least his four Best Drama Actor Emmys). Although he would forever be known as the iconic Walter White, he actually displayed some wonderful comic timing playing Hal in Malcolm in the Middle. This movie could have been a welcome break from playing a morally reprehensible character (and being intentionally funny for a change), but seeing him get sprayed on the face by toilet water from a high-tech bidet was just too embarrassing.

2. I had always wanted an updated remake (read: millennial version) of Father of the Bride (a concerned father being overly protective of his unica hija) and I thought this was going to be it. Instead, this played very much like a reverse Meet the Parents with the entire family trooping over to the mansion of the fiancé (a spacey James Franco, prone to showing his ass and pubes) who also happened to be a tech millionaire (so rich that he owned an art installation of a dead moose suspended in its own urine). Gross? Yes. Funny? Not really.

And as expected, everybody would be drowning in that pool of urine and somebody would also unfortunately (?) discover the meaning of teabagging.

3. Top Chef: All-Stars winner Richard Blaise was here as Franco’s personal executive chef and he served the weirdest dishes like edible soil with plankton foam and edible paper with bear meat. It was a funny stab on artisanal menus and mostly worked. Seeing Cranston chew on newspaper clippings reminded me of the time I ate a lot of the White Rabbit rice paper (too hard to remove, why bother?).

4. “Don’t touch anything!” was the exact same warning my mom would tell us whenever we would visit another person’s house. Sound advice given that those wooden spoons hanging on the wall might actually cost thousands of pesos.

5. In one scene, Cranston was trying to figure out the password of Franco’s laptop so he tried all sorts of dirty combinations (“StephaniesAss”). It reminded me of the time when I would receive the new passwords of my associates that got locked out of their systems and I would be shocked to see that their old ones were “sextoy123”, “dwn2fck” or the direct to the point “iluvsex”. All of them got the spanking that they deserved.

6. Hearing Caley Cuoco as the Siri-like voice system of the mansion made me realize that I still hadn’t fully decided on who should narrate my life story. I just scratched off Morgan Freeman from the list because he had done almost everything. I guess that left me with the wonderfully deep and scratchy pipes of Shohreh Aghdashloo. Unless of course that SM Malinag kid wasn’t available (“Twee dey seyl! See yo dorr!”).

7. In this Pornhub era, does anyone still not know the meaning of double dicking and bukkake? (You don’t? Stay away from Google! NSFW!)

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

MOVIE REVIEW: LONDON HAS FALLEN (Babak Najafi, 2016)

91CAFEF5-C049-409F-8DF9-C07A79E84CD4

SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on London Has Fallen:

1. I always feel a certain sense of pride whenever the Philippines is mentioned in foreign movies or TV shows. I felt the exact same way when this one started, even if the country was actually getting bombed. Talk about Pinoy Fried.

2. Gerard Butler played Mike Banning, a Secret Service agent slash US President’s bodyguard. They should have reconsidered his job because places kept falling everywhere he went. He was supposedly so protective that he installed 6 CCTV cameras in his future baby’s nursery when 1 monitor would have sufficed. Expect another sequel: Baby Has Fallen.

3. You know you’re watching a silly action-fantasy when the great Morgan Freeman only plays Vice-President. Sure, his speaking voice resonates better in a room full of top-tier government personnel rather than screaming for his dear life, but you never ever place God second in command. (Also, the Canadian Prime Minister here was not hot. Pure fantasy.)

4. When a newsperson announced that the British PM’s funeral was the “most protected event on Earth”, you immediately knew this wasn’t true, otherwise there wouldn’t be a movie. Besides, Butler was attending so it was expected that major London landmarks will fall and they all did, in so-so CGI fashion. (Insert London Bridge is falling down joke here.)

5. Gratuitous according to Google Dictionary meant uncalled for, lacking good reason, and unwarranted. It was the perfect description for all of the violence here (multiple headshots, people getting rammed against walls or hit by trucks), although the same could be said about the sequel itself.

6. I had always thought that London was such a rich city but when the power went out, none of the buildings had emergency lights. I guess they never really experience brownouts/blackouts so they were not as prepared as Pinoys (with a cupboard full of lanterns, candles, and matches).

Speaking of, could anyone confirm that there was a supposed Three Days of Darkness in the 80’s where the Lord was supposed to walk the streets and people were not allowed to look so they should have covered windows with soot and charcoal and everyone started to panic-buy emergency supplies since they couldn’t get out of their houses? Please tell me I had not gone crazy.

7. In one scene, Banning asked US President Benjamin Asher (Aaron Eckhart) to get out of the crashed helicopter since it could explode any time. In the succeeding scene, Banning stepped out of the rubble and President Asher was just standing next to the chopper. No wonder he needed a lot of protecting.

8. A million flying bullets, a helicopter crash, a vehicle that flipped multiple times, and a fall in a shallow shaft did no bodily harm (not even one broken bone!) on Banning. He was unbreakable as a one-man SWAT with supposedly witty one-liners (copyrighted by Cesar Montano tbh). Pure bollocks! Why didn’t they make a video game instead? I probably would have enjoyed that.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆