Michael Fassbender I teaching Michael Fassbender II how to blow (er, play) the flute: “I’ll do the fingering.” It could very well have been Ridley Scott telling the audience that because this was just a rehash of previous Alien movies.

The movie wanted to make a Ripley out of Katherine Waterston but she was so bland in the lead role. Also, mankind would never survive in outer space with this forgettable crew that basically ignored all common sense. I was completely annoyed with every single one of them that I actually felt bad for the baby alien that got kicked right in the face.

The only reasons to watch this were all the Fassy on Fassy action (instant nominee for MTV’s Best Kiss) and the brilliant use of James Franco in a movie.

Still better than Prometheus that worked very much like a tablespoon of NyQuil, though.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published May 15, 2017.)

MOVIE REVIEW: FURIOUS 7 (James Wan, 2015)



My notes on Furious 7:

1. So James Wan, the director of torture porn Saw, ventured into automobile porn and actually made a senseless albeit oftentimes fun and always frenetic action movie. His camera was on a perennial adrenaline rush.

2. Iggy Azalea showed up for 10 seconds and said one line and people considered this her film debut. If Judi Dench can win an Oscar for an 8-minute performance, maybe it’s time to bring out the For Your Consideration ads.

3. Whoever said that Jason Statham was walking testosterone could not be further from the truth. Several women probably went out pregnant after the screening.

4. These were my favorite “so bad they’re bad” lines that almost triggered an epileptic seizure due to my constant eye-rolling:

“I have nothing.”
“You got me.”
“I believe in you. I believe in us. That’s all that matters.”

And that final scene where Letty (Michelle Rodriguez) went on an “I remember everything…” aria in lieu of CPR made me fart through my nose.

5. To its credit, the movie promised a lot of explosions and car chases and unbelievable stunts and it delivered all of that and more. All those flying cars were worth the price of admission.

6. That blatant Corona Extra product placement just put My Big Bossing to shame.

7. Every other scene set to a banging hip hop soundtrack felt like an MTV music video. But again, who’s complaining?

8. If I were a billionaire, I would have golden dancers in my party as well. More kitsch, more fun.

9. We all know everyone gets out of a secured prison in time for the sequel. Just ask Magneto.

10. The CGI scenes with “Paul Walker” were a bit noticeable especially when the camera focused on his face. His lanky build was also obvious in the beach scene. The ending was a fitting tribute to him, though. The series just won’t be the same without him.

Rating: ★★★☆☆

(Originally published April 8, 2015.)