WILD AND FREE (Connie Macatuno, 2018)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Wild and Free:

1. Umpisa pa lang hindi ko na mapigilan ang lakas ng tawa ko. Ang eksena kasi nasa loob ng sasakyan ang ex-lovers na sina Jake (Derrick Monasterio, whose performance was as stiff as an erection) at Ellie (Sanya Lopez) tapos more reminiscing sila about their past.

Kaso napaka-obvious na may nagtutulak sa gilid ng kotse para kunwari tumatakbo siya. Yung mapapaisip ka bakit sa exterior overhead shots eh ang smooth ng road na dinadaanan nila pero sa interior shots eh para silang nalulubak every two seconds.

2. Anyway, mukhang bagay naman ang ugali ng characters nila. Si ate gurl yung tipong napakaingay kapag ngumunguya. Yung parang pang-porn or mga nakakairitang ASMR vids sa lakas.

Tapos si koya (aka “Mr. Laway”) naman nakabukas ang bibig mag-chew ng White Rabbit. Feeling sexy ang kumag na kahit nalaglag na ang candy galing sa bibig niya, sinubo niya ulit kasi wala pa naman daw ten seconds. Gusto ko sila regaluhan ng GMRC for Christmas.

3. So apparently si Ellie ay ex-girlfriend din ng older brother ni Jake. Nung big reveal scene, nalaman nung nanay (Cheska Diaz, stuck in 90’s overacting mode) na natuhog ni ate gurl ang panganay (who’s dead btw) at bunso niya pero deadma lang kasi mas importante ang 80th birthday ng lola nila. Saang planeta nagaganap ang alternate reality na ito?

4. Sample words of wisdom ni Ellie: “Eh ano naman kung rebound? Diba nga sa basketball yun ang dapat na hindi pinapakawalan?“.

Ganyan ang reasoning niya kasi mas masarap naman daw si Jake kesa sa kuya nito (did I mention that he’s already dead??).

Huy gurl, technical foul ka!!

5. And the much-hyped erotic scenes? Ano ba eh nag-pump nga until climax si Jake na hindi man lang naghuhubad ng pantalon niya. Tapos dun sa isang sex scene naisipan ni Ellie na mag-multitask so ni-on niya ang washing machine habang sinisibasib siya sa ibabaw nito para nga naman tapos na ang labada niya after nila makaraos. Oh diba, ibang level ng hitting two birds (wink, wink) yan.

(Side note: Maraming salamat Netflix at ang laki ng natitipid ko sa’yo, although sobrang lugi pa rin ng feeling ko.)

6. Halos lahat problematic sa pelikulang ito (kung saan macho at admirable ang chauvinism ng mga lalaki habang boba at subservient ang role ng mga babae).

I haven’t even touched on the couple’s very toxic relationship. Hindi naman sila mukhang in love talaga. Sex lang ang reason ng connection nila. Tapos puro irrational hallucinations si Jake kahit di naman siya sabog. Mabilis din na-resolve ang conflicts nila at nakalimutan na may sexual assault na naganap para lang sa requisite happy ending. How romantic!!

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

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ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD (Quentin Tarantino, 2019)

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Almost three hours of absolute boredom. Nainggit ako sa mga nag-walkout after the first 40 minutes kasi wala naman talaga masyado ganap. Dun lang ako natawa sa Bruce Lee sequence. Sobrang dami pang close-up shots ng mga maduduming paa yuck. Sana hinintay ko na lang ‘to sa Netflix.

Worst film of the year? Let’s just say that I’d recommend this to my worst enemy.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

READY OR NOT (Matt Bettinelli-Olpin, Tyler Gillett, 2019)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

Minsan talaga napapaisip ako ano ginagawa ng mga alta kapag sobrang bored sila. Lalo na if they already (literally) sold their souls to the devil. At least meron na akong idea after this.

Ang seamless ng blend ng comedy and suspense dito. Yung may feeling na nanggagago pero mag-e-enjoy ka sa kababawan. Masaya sa sinehan pero bagay din siya panoorin sa Netflix on a Saturday night kasama ang family or friends (at least yung adult ones).

And this Samara Weaving girl is a star. Sana gumawa siya ng movie with Margot Robbie where they play twin assassins. Ang saya siguro nun.

Rating: ★★★★☆

S.O.N.S: SONS OF NANAY SABEL (Dado Lumibao, 2019)

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To quote the great RBreezy philosopher slash feminist Toni Fowler na nagpabagsak ng patriarchy led by King Badger and Makagago:

“Bastos ka eh! Naka-move on na ako bigla ka na lang mag-se-send ng titi mo, diba?”

Also…

“Bago ka magsalita ng putanginang #RealTalk, make sure na putangina hashtag real talk talaga yan. Alam mo ba ang ibig sahihin ng real talk? Ang ibig sabihin ng real talk, napaka-totoo pare.”

(So #RealTalk, bakit nagsasayang ng pera ang mga local producers para gumawa ng mga pelikula na tulad nito? Oh wait, binili ng Netflix…)

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

TO ALL THE BOYS I’VE LOVED BEFORE (Jenny Han, 2014)

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“When someone’s been gone a long time, at first you save up all the things you want to tell them. You try to keep track of everything in your head. But it’s like trying to hold on to a fistful of sand: all the little bits slip out of your hands, and then you’re just clutching air and grit. That’s why you can’t save it all up like that.

Because by the time you finally see each other, you’re catching up only on the big things, because it’s too much bother to tell about the little things. But the little things are what make up life.”

(Pretty decent Netflix adaptation, too.)

Rating: ★★★☆☆

THE GREAT HACK (Karim Amer, Jehane Noujaim, 2019)

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So the internet gods are listening in on my private conversations with friends? That the microphones and cameras on my laptop and smartphone are picking up details that create my data profile for social media sites to accurately predict my behaviour and interests? It wasn’t merely a coincidence that after I mentioned a planned trip to Tokyo next year, my Facebook feed immediately got bombarded by sponsored Klook ads offering discounted tour packages? Oh, please!! We all signed up for this. We can’t make our lives public on the worldwide web and then fear that strangers know way too much about us, right? It’s time to admit that we’re basically living in a supersized Black Mirror episode.

Although this documentary didn’t contain a lot of new information (especially if one had been following all the discussions related to Brexit, the Trump campaign, Cambridge Analytica, and Facebook-gate), I was still fascinated by the thought that these so-called villains preyed on the “persuadables” and successfully swayed them to their desired results. Will that stop me from taking the next “Which Sex and the City character are you” quiz? My Miranda side is screaming “DON’T!!”, but I’m sure my gullible Charlotte side wins in the end.

Rating: ★★★☆☆

AZIZ ANSARI: RIGHT NOW (Spike Jonze, 2019)

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“Look, we’re all shitty people, okay? And we have our blind spots. And we become aware, and we slowly get better. We’re all on a journey. And if you’re one of these people sitting there, like, ‘I’m not shitty. I’m aware of all the marginalized groups and everything’, you’re extra shitty, okay?”

As if Master of None wasn’t proof enough that Aziz Ansari’s a comedy genius. This stand-up special served as a razor-sharp commentary on our current social climate and a deeply personal look at a “reborn” comic.

Also, The Office will never be the same again.

Rating: ★★★★☆

PIHU (Vinod Kapri, 2018)

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Based on a true story which made it all the more disturbing.

Parents with toddlers can view this as a cautionary tale (time to start childproofing your home) or just skip it on Netflix to prevent any anxiety attack and unnecessary paranoia.

This thriller probably would have been more effective as a short film, but it still traumatized me for life.

Rating: ★★★☆☆