HELLO, LOVE, GOODBYE (Cathy Garcia-Molina, 2019)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Hello, Love, Goodbye:

1. Naalala ko nung nagpunta ako ng Hong Kong around 2014, napadaan ako sa Central area isang Linggo at nagulat ako sa dami ng mga OFWs (mostly women) na nasa gilid-gilid mula sa overpass malapit sa train station hanggang sa mismong kalye na ang isang parte ay ipinasara para tayuan ng makeshift stage (“Beauty and the Best” ang theme ng show slash pageant noon).

Parang isang mahabang row ng mga nagpi-picnic ang itsura nila sa kani-kanilang mga puwesto habang nakaupo sa ibabaw ng mga karton ng balikbayan boxes. Maririnig mo ang malalakas na tawanan at maiingay na kuwentuhan/chismisan kasabay ng pagsasalu-salo nilang magkakaibigan sa baong pancit, adobo, at kung anu-ano pang ulam na niluto para sa araw na yun.

Pero mas nakakagulat na ang lahat ng ito ay nagaganap sa harapan mismo ng mga high-end designer stores tulad ng Louis Vuitton, Gucci, Armani, Cartier, atbp. Maganda siyang juxtaposition na sumasalamin din sa OFW experience na kung tutuusin ay nakakalungkot sa kabila ng nangingibabaw na kasiyahan.

2. Isa sa strongest aspects ng pelikulang ito ang realistic depiction ng buhay ng isang domestic helper sa Hong Kong.

May isang montage kung saan ipinakita ang lahat ng ginagawa ni Joy (Kathryn Bernardo) bilang kasambahay, kasama na ang pagbabantay sa isang atribidang lola (“Too cold! Too hot!”) at pag-aalaga sa isang special needs kid. Todo kayod siya kasi nakadepende sa kanya ang pamilya niya sa Pilipinas. Kabilang na dito ang bulag niyang ama at ang mga kapatid na more hingi ng sapatos habang siya naman ay more tiis kasi ang long-term plan niya ay maka-migrate sila ng Canada.

Kaya kahit Nursing ang natapos niya ay mega linis siya ng inidoro (“Ang choice ay para lang sa may pera”) at baka sakaling ma-flush na rin ang kinikimkim niyang sama ng loob.

(Note: Natuwa ako na hindi blatantly masama ang ugali ng amo ni Joy. Kasi ang typical DH story along the lines of Flor Contemplacion or Delia Maga.)

3. Nagustuhan ko yung direct reference sa Anak kasi hindi ko pa rin makalimutan si Ate Vi bilang the ultimate selfless mother of all DH at kung gaano kadaming pagkain ang tiniis niyang hindi kainin makapagpadala lang ng malaking pera para sa pokpok (ay sorry, troubled) niyang dalaga na si Carla.

Gusto ko rin yung indirect reference sa Sunday Beauty Queen with Joy and her friends joining the pageant for extra income. Kahit sa day-off nila todo kayod pa rin para lang sa pamilya. Ang bigat sa puso.

4. Sobrang effective ni Kathryn dito. Gamit na gamit ang mata-mata acting. Yung level na pinapamukha niya sa mga bashers na deserving din siya ng Urian nomination. (Ang ganda pa ng natural make-up niya na super layo sa espasol look in Barcelona.)

Favorite ko yung scene na depressed siya na sumakay sa train tapos sobrang saklap ng araw niya nakasabay pa ang ex niya at bagong girlfriend nito. Nung tinanong siya kung saang hospital siya nagtatrabaho, ramdam mo talaga yung pait at hiya nung sumagot siya na “DH ako dito. Ending ko din katulad ng nanay ko.” Ouch!!

Pero magaling din siya sa kilig aspect ha. Kapag nakatitig siya kay Ethan (Alden Richards), di mo iisipin na may Daniel Padilla na siya in real life. (Pero siguro kasi ang gwapo din ni Alden dito with the scruffy, playboy look kaya di din siya masyado nahirapan magpanggap, ano?)

5. Speaking of Alden, nag-level up din ang acting niya dito. Nawala yung lalaking puro pabebe wave sa Kalyeserye at lumabas ang isang certified matinee idol. Nung sinabi niya na dapat “All or nothing kasi kung mag-hold back ka, bakit ka pa nagmahal?”, more tango lang ako na parang nabudol-budol. Atsaka yung reaction niya habang pinapanood si Joy na sintunado kumanta at mukhang tanga sa stage, maniniwala ka talaga na true love ang nararamdaman niya. At okay lang rin siguro kahit mang-asar siya at kulitin niya ako habang nagkikiskis ako ng kaldero.

Tapos sobrang puti pa ng legs niya parang mapapabili ako ng lifetime supply ng Snow Caps.

(Note: Believable na kapatid niya si Jameson Blake down to the dimples. Actually, pati yung bunso na akala ko si Timothee Chalamet papasa din na brother niya haha!)

6. Nung pinanood ko ang BTS ng Anak, na-kwento dun na nahirapan silang i-shoot yung final scene kung saan dadaan sa crowd si Ate Vi kasi lahat gusto siya yakapin, hawakan, at tingnan. Mukhang mas maayos ang crowd control dito considering na nag-shoot sila sa Central at Lan Kwai Fong (isa lang yung super obvious na nagvi-video sa eksena dito).

7. Happy to see Maricel Laxa again. Walang kupas pa rin sa pag-arte. Maganda yung storyline niya bilang nanay ni Joy. May kurot sa puso na alam ng pamilya niya na nagpakasal siya sa iba para maging citizen at ma-petition sila dun.

Joy, walang-wala ang paglilinis mo ng inidoro kumpara sa sakripisyo (at pambubugbog) na na-experience ng nanay mo. Teka, bakit ako naiiyak ulit?

8. Kinilig ako nang todo sa KathDen. Kahit hindi ko maintindihan bakit kelangan nilang ipagsiksikan ang mga sarili nila sa stuck room na yun. Puwede naman umusog diba?

Pero malakas talaga ang chemistry nila. Nagulantang nga yung mga KathNiel na nakaupo sa harapan ko dun sa (fake) kissing scene. Yung isa parang hinimatay dun sa “love scene”.

Napaka-possessive naman ng ibang fans. Let your idols grow as artists.

9. TANGA = TANYA. Natatawa pa rin ako dito. (At yung pasalubong na broccoli. Hahahaha!)

10. Kung tutuusin plakado sa Star Cinema template ang pelikulang ito. Nandiyan lahat ng tropes tulad ng chuwariwap friends (bet ko na Mary Dale ang pangalan ni Maymay Entrata at bumagay ang aligaga acting ni Kakai Bautista dito), tatay na maysakit (si Lito Pimental na itinuloy lang ang role niya sa Starting Over Again), sound bite-ready na linyahan na never mo maririnig in real-life conversations (“Kung mahal mo ako, bakit pinapapili mo ako?” “Kung mahal mo ako, bakit di ako ang piliin mo?”, “Don’t you trust me enough?” “Don’t you love me enough?”), etc.

Ang kulang na lang ay ang requisite happy ending na hindi nito ibinigay. Siguro mas malakas ang loob ng Star Cinema kasi hindi naman talaga love team ang KathDen pero it worked for the best.

Ang sakit ng farewell at ang ganda ng realistic ending (“Kung di rin tayo sa huli…”). Bravo!!

11. Yung Ulan daw tungkol sa self-love but for me, nagmukha lang si Maya (Nadine Lustre) na selfish. Etong si Joy na independent, may pangarap, may gustong patunayan, at tinalikuran ang pag-ibig to find her worth ang totoong definition nun.

“Mahal kita pero sa ngayon mas mahal ko ang sarili ko.” I do not love you, Joy. I do not love you.

Rating: ★★★★☆

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YOU’RE MY BOSS (Antoinette Jadaone, 2015)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on You’re My Boss:

1. My biggest problem with the entire movie was that the love story between Georgina (Toni Gonzaga) and her ex-boyfriend Gino (JM de Guzman) was much more interesting than her strained blooming relationship with Pong (Coco Martin). Whereas the latter relied heavily on the typical rom-com cliches and the requisite happy ending, the former easily hit home with its relatable (read: “hugot”) take on breaking up and moving on.

2. Toni played the bitch boss from hell who probably watches The Devil Wears Prada during her free time while Coco played her assistant who couldn’t even properly pronounce the words “global” and “social media” (actually, almost any English word). They might have been playing variations of themselves but they still nailed their respective roles. And I just have to say that Coco’s lisp was actually part of his charms.

3. A lot of people will compare this to The Proposal but it actually felt like a rip-off of every Jadaone movie (love song sing-off: check, plane scene: check, travelogue destination: check). Not that I’m complaining.

4. How slow was that elevator? It took several minutes just to reach the third floor. No wonder Georgina’s always mad.

5. Although there were a couple of scenes that made me laugh (“Huwag mo ko i-pressure iho. Load lang ‘to, di mo ‘to ikamamatay”), the rest of the jokes just fell flat. The elevator scene where Georgina mentioned “more chances of winning” was met with cricket sounds. Some scenes also stretched on forever without any major punchlines (Georgina teaching Poy how to properly pronounce words, for example). Even some will be completely dated a few months from now (“Ikaw yung nasa Binibining Pilipinas! Are you looking forward to your second time?”).

6. Georgina who was supposedly a fashion expert said, “Ang lalaki kapag bulaklak ibinibigay, hindi isinusuot.” I guess she missed last year’s Prada and Gucci Spring/Summer collection. Mayor Atienza is definitely way ahead of the times. (Was the stab at Coco’s fashion sense intentional? Kris and Kim were probably laughing somewhere.) Oh, and Toni’s clothes here were fabulous.

7. I found it funny that the van scenes were shot in a loop around Madrigal and Daang Hari. They were literally going in circles before ending up in Makati. Only a Southerner would know that.

8. For the role reversal to be completely believable, the movie’s asking us to check our brains at the door. How could an AVP make such stupid business decisions (to correct an already stupid viral scandal, to boot)? How could investors not know the VP of an international airline that they would like to have business with? How long will that charade continue before the Japanese investors find out that Pong wasn’t really the boss? They couldn’t keep that a secret forever, right? Was it done just to deliver the movie’s message of honesty? Please. Everything was a business fantasy where a slide show presentation made by a 12-year could win over an international investor.

9. I expected Pong to teach Georgina how to treat people well (like Manong Driver). So many missed opportunities.

10. Does the Seen functionality work on all phones? Georgina mocked the cellphone of Pong (“Walang magnanakaw niyan”) but it seemed to be working with its own iMessage.

11. Coco was able to shill most of his endorsements but the one that really worked for me was Argentina corned beef. I started craving for a hot bowl of rice topped with onion-covered corned beef. Yum!

12. Expect a lot of people flocking to Batanes after seeing this movie. The place just looked gorgeous. It was much better here than in Dementia. I would definitely want to visit that Honesty Store. And any place with zero crime rate is tops in my book.

13. Stay for the end credits. It was the funniest bit in the entire movie.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published April 5, 2015.)

DOTGA: DA ONE THAT GHOST AWAY (Tony Reyes, 2018)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on DOTGA: Da One That Ghost Away:

1. I was surprised that Vhong Navarro wasn’t included in the cast given that he headlined the last two horror-comedy films of Star Cinema (please note that I didn’t consider the unintentionally comedic horror films of Kris Aquino, like Segunda Mano where she pissed her pants in terror for buying a secondhand Prada bag).

In terms of comparison, this one was less like Bulong (actually a guilty pleasure) and more of Da Possessed (which had the gall to make fun of Vhong’s rape case). I already expected tons of corny jokes and lame slapstick humor, but even with my IQ lowered and in full babaw mode, I could only muster one giggle in all 100 minutes (again, I only counted the intentional one because I spent the entire movie hysterically laughing at Enzo Pineda’s acting that he equated with wide eyes and flaring nostrils).

2. Carmel (Kim Chiu) and Jerald (Ryan Bang) were ghost hunters slash con artists that brought along their team dressed as horror film characters (Ghost Bride, Chucky, Tiyanak, etc.) to terrorize and pretend exorcise haunted houses. She used a magical triangle (yes, the musical instrument in the percussion family) and shouted nonsensical chants (“Mother Ignacia! Sergeant Esguerra! Papuntang Abra!”) as part of her ritual. I was surprised that there were people who actually fell for this kind of silliness (although their first victim was a Krizzy impersonator and we all knew how gullible she could get).

3. This movie was rated PG because the MTRCB thought that parents could easily explain what Carmel meant when she said “Sabi na di ako nagpi-pinger eh” after using a dating app called PinGer. Or why she kept emphasizing the name of Enzo as JACK COLmenares (just in case it still wasn’t obvious enough, his name was written exactly like that on a white board). Should we expect the Colmenares sisters to be named Jaja, Nadia, and Gina? Seriously, this type of Pinoy green humor hadn’t been funny since my high school days circa ‘90s.

4. Terrible, terrible editing. In one scene, Serrah (Maymay Entrata) was looking at her compact mirror and asking “What is that ghost I see?” and then it abruptly cut to her and Chire (Edward Barber) walking to school. What was that about?

(Also, as a huge #MayWard fan, please give them a good film that they actually deserved! Sayang talaga sila!)

5. Oh, Jerald also worked as a language teacher in a school called Fil-Eng-The-Blanks. Wala na bang ikaka-corny pa ang pelikulang ito?

6. The only funny scene that I mentioned earlier was a brief gag where Carmel hugged a sweaty Jack, then wiped the wet part of her cheek with her left hand, and smelled it like she was endorsing the newest Downy fabric conditioner. It was a testament to Kim’s charm and sharp comic timing that a throwaway moment like that would actually work.

7. If Enzo acted like his life (or career?) depended on it, on the other end of the spectrum was Ronnie Alonte who didn’t even feel the need to act at all (was it because it was just a cameo role?).

8. Tabako vs Sadako? Bearable. Valak vs Halak? Meh. Black Panty vs Black Panther? Wala na maisip??

9. I felt bad for the extras in the scene where they pretended to freeze as part of a spell (think Mannequin Challenge only without music). Carmel had this really lengthy monologue (“Oo nasaktan na ako lola. Shinota niya ang best friend mo!!”) and you could actually see some of them in the background starting to shake (as in nanginginig na sa sobrang ngalay). I could have subbed for any of them because I had always been a master Statue Dancer.

10. Carmel: “Ikaw pa rin ang DOTGA ko!”

Jerald: “Da One That Ghost Away?”

Carmel: “Da One That Gusto Ako Pero Baka Maging Gusto Ko Rin!!”

Huh? Isn’t that DOTGAPBMGKR?!

Kimmy, pinapainit mo ang anit sa ibabaw ng ulo ko!!

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

I LOVE YOU TO DEATH (Miko Livelo, 2016)u

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My notes on I Love You To Death:

1. As soon as Janice de Belen showed up on screen as Kiray Celis’ mother, all I could think of was the popular 80’s catchphrase (“Oh my god! Ang anak ni Janice!!”) that was used in the trailer of Regal Films’ cult classic Tiyanak and spawned the flop sequel Anak ni Janice.

Whether this was intentional or not, the movie’s best moments involved the running joke of her character’s brutal honesty towards her daughter’s physical appearance. She was the type of mom that would scream “Wag mo nga akong ginugulat anak!” upon seeing Kiray’s I-woke-up-like-this face or would recommend to fix her daughter’s bridal look by covering her face with a veil.

2. This brand of comedy harkens back to the early 90’s Rene Requiestas Pido Dida/Cheeta-eh era that I wasn’t surprised when his lookalike actually showed up. It made me miss this type of humor, especially in this day and age of political correctness. One simple punchline in his movies (say Michael and Madonna) would be Rene smiling and showing his missing teeth and it would be okay for people to laugh (“Ay bungi! Hahaha!”). If you’d do that now, a group of keyboard warriors would demand respect for dentally-challenged people while a group of activists burned effigies of the President protesting the lack of funds for dentures and the proliferation of lowbrow comedy in local cinema. How times have changed.

3. The biggest problem of this movie was that there really wasn’t a lot going for it aside from making fun of Kiray’s looks. It shouldn’t be a surprise given that the movie’s supposed highlight extensively used in promotions was the kissing scene between her and Enchong Dee (wait, was it supposed to be icky because of her looks or because of his…never mind).

This reminded so much of Joe Dante’s Burying the Ex, another awful dark comedy about a spurned lover that rose from the dead to seek revenge. Even with torn limbs and blood spurting onscreen, it didn’t have much of a story either.

4. I didn’t bother taking note of the young supporting cast’s names because I hadn’t seen this much bad acting since the last season of Pinoy Big Brother: Teen Edition. I had so much fun seeing them get killed one by one because it would just mean one less irritating person to watch. Besides, I wasn’t even sure why Kiray was friends with them when they would openly mock her appearance and blatantly wish for her character’s harm (was it because she only owned one orange Prada bag that she used every single time, regardless if it clashed with her outfit?).

5. Burning questions:

• What bowling alley would allow kids to wear Jimmy Choo heels?

• What was up with Enchong’s hair? His short bangs reminded me of that scene in Dumb and Dumber when Jim Carrey placed a bowl over his head before getting a haircut.

• Why did these kids never grieve for their dead friends? After one of them got murdered in school, the next scene showed the gang in a salon. I guess the best way to really move on would be to get a Brazilian blowout and a mani-pedi. Yet in another scene, they were shown mourning…in a club.

6. Speaking of club, this was a Regal movie so I wasn’t surprised that there was an extended dance-off sequence. I should just be thankful that it wasn’t at a beach.

7. I never really understood the “mukha kang pantasa” joke, especially when the woman looked more like an eraser. And that #deathbypencil scene reeked too much of Zoolander 2.

8. Two obvious signs that their wedding was doomed: 1) she had her engagement ring on her middle finger, 2) her wedding gown had a sheer skirt that showed her boy shorts underneath.

9. In one scene, Kiray was kidnapped by her friends and had a sack thrown over her head. After it was removed, there were rice grains stuck on her face that made her complain, “Di nyo man lang tinanggal ang bigas sa sako!”. It was one of the few effortlessly funny gags that worked in this movie. I wish there were so much more because after this and Love is Blind, Kiray definitely deserved much better.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆