MOVIE REVIEW: KASAL (Ruel Bayani, 2018)

342C3FC2-7447-4ED3-9B48-DDEEB46E2A94

SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Kasal:

1. According to the Urban Dictionary (one of my online sources of truth), the word “triggered” meant getting filled with hate after seeing, hearing, or experiencing something you couldn’t stand. By the end of this completely offensive movie masquerading as an LGBTQ+ advocacy film, you could definitely consider me triggeredt (with the additional t for emphasis, and also as a millennial).

I actually decided to let my emotions simmer down before writing anything but after a full 8 hours of sleep, I was still feeling the exact same thing. Who were the bright minds behind this monstrosity??!

2. Anybody who had seen the teaser/trailer would already have an inkling on the much-hyped twist here. If you guessed that Philip (Paulo Avelino) and Wado (Derek Ramsay) were previously lovers and their entire history would be the major cause of drama prior to the wedding with Lia (Bea Alonzo), then you had a much better story right there.

The only twist here wasn’t exactly a twist. Philip was just secretly gay. Yun na yun. Now that would have been fine if only the movie had the thoughtfulness to handle such a topic. Shown after the heels of the critically-adored Love, Simon, one would expect that homosexuality would no longer be used as a regressive plot device and that serious topics like coming out would be handled with the required sensitivity. But no, this was a Star Cinema movie where a gay lead character would actually identify as bisexual because heaven forbid it would end without a happy couple walking out of the church very much in love.

3. Did I mention that Wado was the straight ex of Lia and part of his plan to win her back and break up her engagement with Philip was to blackmail the latter by playing footsies with him and using a seduction video of them in the shower (complete with an ominous, slightly porn-ish musical score)? Huh?? Seryoso? Wouldn’t Lia even question why Wado was also making out with another guy? In the shower??

Even worse, the video showed Wado physically and sexually assaulting Philip! How could that possibly work in his favor? That was obviously just another stunt to get two heterosexual local actors kiss (oh, how brave!). And no, Paulo’s upper-half butt exposure was not enough to appease me.

(Side note: A couple of women next to me were loudly screaming “Yuck!” during the entire sequence. I hope that was their reaction at the apparent foolishness of the movie and not at the sight of two men kissing because, c’mon guys, it’s 2018!)

4. But wait, I hadn’t even touched on the worst scene in this awful mess. After Philip’s (who was running for mayor) secret was revealed in public, Lia confronted him and said something like “Ang tatay ko transgender. Ang fiancé ko bisexual. Konti na lang mabubuo ko na ang LGBTQ!”. Please note that Philip in this supposedly emotional scene was just outed without his consent and had a bloodied face after a scuffle with Wado and the entire cinema was howling with laughter because of that dialogue.

And then Lia backtracked by saying that she wasn’t really mad about his sexuality, but at the deception and lies that she had been experiencing all her life. I was so happy you corrected yourself and made it all about you, girl! Confetti and glitter for you!

5. Since Lia was such an endearing and selfless character, here are my words of advice for her: 1) never wear white pants when doing an ocular visit in a dusty location, 2) learn to listen every once in a while and stop these empty declarations (“Don’t you ever speak to me about pain again!”, “Sino ka para sabihin sa akin kung anong gagawin sa buhay ko?”), and 3) if your wet armpits had always been an issue in previous relationships, there are several deodorants and anti-perspirants in the market to choose from (I can attest to the miraculous powers of Arm & Hammer).

6. I was surprised this wasn’t made into a teleserye since most of the characters seemed to be plucked from local soap operas:

• Philip’s controlling mother (Cherie Gil) to blushing bride-to-be Lia: “I was supposed to let you wear my custom-made Oscar dela Renta wedding gown. Of course, I was slimmer then, baka hindi magkasya.”

• Domineering father (Christopher de Leon, with flaring nostrils as always) to his wimpy, disappointing son Philip: “If only your brother Andrew did not die in that accident!”

• Olivia Papa in her signature white blazer (Cris Villonco): “!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” (Basta laging galit at sumisigaw.)

• Lia’s realizations after getting her heart broken by a bisexual: “Now I know that marriage is not just one big event. It’s a choice that you make every single day.”

Jusko, not even Primetime Bida levels! More of Kapamilya Gold. With another Moira dela Torre theme song. Bagong-bago! Itigil ang kasal!!

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

MOVIE REVIEW: ACROSS THE CRESCENT MOON (Baby Nebrida, 2017)

img_1131

SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Across the Crescent Moon:

1. If the Mocha Uson Blog were to venture into the film industry and dramatize its controversial posts, this would be the end product. I could easily imagine all the Dilawans instantaneously frothing at the mouth while watching this blatant propaganda movie that justified extrajudicial killings, supported the death penalty, and made living heroes out of PNP Chief dela Rosa and President Duterte (whose presence was onscreen for a significant amount of time that he should have received secondary billing).

Regardless of one’s political stand though, everyone would definitely agree that this was a poorly-made, self-important flick that thought too highly of itself just because it had subtitles.

2. The opening action scene alone was already problematic with machine guns being fired but nobody was getting hit and explosions that just came out of nowhere (nasaan yung nagpapasabog? Nasaan?!). It also had a long chase scene that started late afternoon on the road and ended up post-Primetime Bida in a forest village.

3. The director’s idea of dynamism and movement was to have two characters having an argument walk from the kitchen to the living room to the bedroom. Mga bes, paano kayo magkakaintindihan kung paikot-ikot kayo sa bahay?

4. I already used a thesaurus but I couldn’t find the most appropriate word to describe how awful the performances were. I still haven’t fully recovered from his tragic acting in last year’s Tupang Ligaw and now Matteo Guidicelli has returned to torture me yet again. The good news was that he looked like an Urian winner next to the girls that played his wife and sister-in-law.

Every time one of them spoke (in full akting na akting mode, of course), I felt like I was on the verge of an aneurysm. I never knew that watching a movie would now be considered buwis buhay.

In one scene, the teenage sister (who must have thought that she was in a grade school elocution contest) welcomed back her older sister with the line (please note that her eyes were wide open and hands clasped), “Oh, you must be starving!”. Tengene, patayin nyo na ako!!

5. Even with the in-your-face product placements for Tanduay, Beer na Beer, and Colt 45, nothing could beat the mini-commercial for Cobra energy drink.

Previous scene –

Matteo: “Kelangan natin mahanap agad ang mga biktima bago sila mapadala sa Malaysia!”

Next scene –

Matteo: “Ate, may malamig na Cobra diyan?”

6. When Matteo learned that his wife was pregnant, they decided to celebrate with drinks by the pool. He must have been so happy that he threw her in the water not once, but three times! Why?!

7. My favorite lines from the movie:

• Matteo to Joem Bascon: “Ikaw ba ang anghel ko? Anghel dela guwardiya?” Yihee!!

• Also Matteo to Joem: “Ayoko ng partner na may bisyo: alak, babae, sugal, yosi.” Ay strict boyfriend, er, partner!

• Sandy Andolong to Matteo’s wife: “Huwag kang mag-alala Emma. Bukas luluhod ang mga tala.” Ooh, Sharonian!

• Christopher de Leon sharing his words of wisdom: “Ang buhay ay parang buwan. Bilog yan. Umiikot din yan.” I kennat!!

• Joem inside a steel container: “Napakainit naman dito. Anong akala nila sa atin, baboy na ibebenta por kilo?” Dear, you should have requested for first class accommodations from your kidnappers.

• Kidnap victim on their whereabouts: “Binilang ko. Mga sampung minuto lang ang isla mula dito.” Koya, wala kang relo. Manual counting of seconds? Wow, how to be you po?

8. Burning questions:

• Were Matteo and Joem required to watch Street Fighter before filming? Why did their fight scenes always start with a drop kick?

• When Matteo got shot on the arm, why did he go home hours later without having it checked in the nearest hospital?

• Why were the kidnapped victims’ pictures all taken from Studio City?

• Where can I learn to make that excellent bar graph Powerpoint presentation showing the number of babies sold per month?

• Seriously, why was this movie even made?

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

MOVIE REVIEW: THE UNMARRIED WIFE (Maryo J. Delos Reyes, 2016)

img_6665

SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on The Unmarried Wife:

1. I had an overwhelming sense of deja vu while watching this newest kabit movie from Star Cinema. Hmm, a non-linear narrative written by Vanessa Valdez and directed by Maryo J. Delos Reyes where Angelica Panganiban played a scorned wife trying to win her husband back. Oh, it was 2007’s A Love Story! Only without a plot twist to support the chosen style.

Well, that movie was a box office hit so they probably wanted to employ the same technique and replicate the same commercial success. Or maybe the non-chronological events would distract the audience from the fact that this wasn’t any different from the normal kabitserye on Primetime Bida.

2. Angelica played Anne, a group director for the feminine hygiene division in an advertising agency. Her smart pitch for a sanitary napkin involved a recollection of the best days with her father with the slogan “I’m an Always Free girl because of my dad”. I wish this were an actual commercial because it would definitely crack me up and send me good vibes every time I would see it on TV.

As with any successful career woman in the Star Cinema universe, she was instantly cursed to have a troubled family life. Being accomplished at work apparently meant that she neglected her wife and mother duties at home. The lack of kitchen counter sex was reason enough for her husband Geoff (Dingdong Dantes) to cheat on her. Obviously, Geoff wasn’t an Always Free dad.

3. In one hilariously terrible scene, Anne was caught leaving early by her boss and the exact reason she gave was, “I’m the only wife of my husband. He is not just my husband, he is my life.” Her early out was approved.

4. When Paulo Avelino showed up as the third party Bryan, he was so white that I expected him to sparkle when he took his shirt off. I bet Anne could have made a killer slogan with that one (“Fresh Funda, para sa kutis Twilight”).

5. It was really hard to take the movie seriously when it was peppered with these lines that wanted to one-up the Quiapo dialogue in No Other Woman:

• “Mabuti pa ang mga isda hindi kelangan makipagkiskisan sa mga asawa.”

• “Ang itlog kapag hindi nalilimliman ay nabubulok. Ang pechay kapag hindi nadidiligan ay nalalanta.”

• “Ano ba ang sorry sa’yo? Isang lisensya para paulit-ulit mo akong lokohin at gaguhin?”

• “Wag mo akong gawing parausan kasi mawawalan ng silbi ang kabit mo!”

6. But wait, there’s more! As expected, there was a confrontation slash showdown with an equally-bitchy mistress played by Maricar Reyes. Women, you might want to write these down for future reference:

• “Akala ko naliligaw lang ako. Bakit andito ka sa Quezon City eh mas bagay ka sa Makati?”

• “Ayoko mahawa sa kadumihan mo. Wala akong dalang panglinis.”

• “Can you not fuck my husband?” (“Wag mo ‘kong ma-Terry-Terry!!”)

All of these lines were delivered with flared nostrils and in full nanlilisik ang mga mata mode. Madam Claudia Buenavista, isdatchu?

7. To be fair, there was a good story here somewhere. I have always wondered why women stay in abusive relationships for the sake of marriage or their kids (“When our men are weak, we have to be stronger”). Also, why do we always have this fantasy that cheaters will change their ways and that love will always lead them back to us? Why does our local justice system seem to heavily work in favor of men? Why does society still have this double standard in terms of cheating husbands vs cheating wives (not that they’re justifiable)?

If only the movie tried to explore these concepts further instead of reveling in the usual soap opera tropes.

8. Most of the performances here were okay so it was a welcome treat to see Mart Escudero (as the typical gay assistant) delivering the most crowd-pleasing line, “I don’t want your life Ma’m. Ayoko maging katulad n’yo na ginagawa kaming punching bag sa mga hanash n’yo sa buhay”, sabay walk-out. Also, Denise Laurel in Shakira extensions. Enough said.

9. At least the movie followed the general rule in ’90s melodrama: Lahat ng pwedeng mabasag, dapat mabasag. Goodbye kitchenware! So long wine bottle! You will be missed windshield!!

Rating: ★★☆☆☆