MOVIE REVIEW: CINCO (Frasco Mortiz, Enrico Santos, Ato Bautista, Nick Olanka, Cathy Garcia-Molina, 2010)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

Anthology of five horror shorts kyemerut. Parang pa-bibong Shake, Rattle, Roll with its two additional stories pero hindi naman nakadagdag sa scare factor.

BRASO (Frasco Mortiz) – ★☆☆☆☆

Tungkol sa baklang braso na nag-break free sa pagiging closeta at dinakma ang yagbols ni AJ Perez (RIP).

PAA (Enrico Santos) – ★★★☆☆

Tungkol sa isang nanay (Jodi Sta. Maria in full batas ng isang api mode) na hindi marunong magpagpag kaya sinundan ng multo ng batang ninakawan niya ng sapatos.

MATA (Ato Bautista) – ★★☆☆☆

Tungkol sa isang babaeng (Maja Salvador) trapped in a Groundhog Day nightmare kung saan jowa niya lagi si Rayver Cruz. Saklap.

MUKHA (Nick Olanka) – ★★☆☆☆

Tungkol sa bitch from hell na boss (Mariel Rodriguez channeling Kimmy Go Dong Hae) na ginamit ang mukha ng kawawang office janitor to test their new photocopying machine. Naghiganti tuloy ang kaluluwa nito na galit sa mga DDS tulad ng asawa ni boss na si Robin Padilla.

PUSO (Cathy Garcia-Molina) – ★★☆☆☆

Tungkol sa isang chakang perya performer (Pokwang) na desperadong magka-lovelife at sa kasamaang-palad ay zombie ang nagayuma. Hindi na rin masama kasi mas mukha pang mabango ang naaagnas na si Zanjoe Marudo kesa sa mga People You May Know ng Facebook.

Saan banda ako dapat matakot?

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

MOVIE REVIEW: EX WITH BENEFITS (Gino Santos, 2015)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Ex With Benefits:

1. Why did the “10 Years Ago” Derek Ramsay look exactly like the present old-looking Derek? And did the movie really expect me to believe that he only had a 4-year age gap with Coleen Garcia? Really?! Also, was he wearing eyeliner?

2. Was this supposed to be a sex comedy? The “I Love You Always Forever” montage was cringe-worthy. And how horny were these two to actually make-out in a theater showing Feng Shui? Kris Aquino and Lotus Feet as aphrodisiacs? Eek!

3. This was another one of those petty people with petty problems movie. In one scene, Derek defended the pagkababae of Coleen by punching another student. After he got suspended, he immediately lashed out at her and blamed her for what happened. Huh?! Why should I be rooting for their love story?

4. In another scene, Derek was supposed to take his revalida and asked the proctor for two minutes to talk to Coleen. The proctor kept saying, “Kapag nag-umpisa na, wala na pwede pumasok” and yet several students still kept entering the classroom. How’s that for conflict?

5. Rayver Cruz’s constant use of the word “Bro” will forever haunt me in my dreams. Am I the only one annoyed by this term? It reminded me again that hindi lahat ng paminta ay nasa adobo.

6. My biggest problem with the movie was that Coleen’s character was a smart and beautiful girl and yet she had to use her body to get her way in life. And did she really have to do the nasty with the Dean just to save Derek’s future career? Iha, matalino ka. Gamitin mo naman utak mo.

7. I wonder how med reps will react to these spiteful lines:

“If you can’t be a doctor, date one.”

“Wag utak doktor. Dapat utak med rep.”

8. 50 Shades of Grey, Gone Girl, The Fault in Our Stars. The screenwriter loved pop-culture references.

9. If you’re watching for the sex scenes, be warned. It consisted mostly of Derek rubbing his face on Coleen’s various body parts.

10. There were so many lines that made me (unintentionally) laugh.

On the idea of romance: “Babalik ka na parang fungi.”

On jealousy: “Kulang na lang eh hubaran mo siya!”

On pain: “Kelangan nya masaktan para malaman nya na buhay sya.”

By the way, the last line was about a newborn na pinalo-palo ng nurse so it would cry.

I told you the movie was a hoot.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆