MOVIE REVIEW: GODZILLA (Gareth Edwards, 2014)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Godzilla:

1. “The Philippines, 1999.” My heart skipped a beat.

2. I bet it would have been a much better movie if they kept Juliette Binoche and Bryan Cranston until the end credits. The first 20 minutes had some really good performances from these veterans.

3. Aaron Taylor-Johnson may have kicked ass in Kick-ass but he was so bland in this movie. I’ve never seen a worse lead in a disaster popcorn flick since Taylor Kitsch in (choose any of his 2012 movies).

4. So Taylor-Johnson and Elizabeth Olsen play husband and wife here and then twins in Avengers: Age of Ultron. What is up with these weird casting choices (see Divergent/The Fault in Our Stars)?

5. I’ve always liked Olsen ever since Martha Marcy May Marlene. Also because she’s the only Olsen sister that probably enjoys a plate of bacon.

6. Why did I feel like I just watched a lame Jurassic Park sequel? Oh, if you liked Pacific Rim I’m 99% sure you’ll like this one, too.

7. Godzilla didn’t come out until an hour into the movie. Pfft! They could have removed all the scenes involving Taylor-Johnson and it wouldn’t have made any difference. That train scene? Cut! That skydiving scene? Cut! That stadium reunion? Cut! Who wanted all of this human drama anyway? To recap: humans boring, monsters awesome.

8. Was Cloverfield a rip-off (or homage) of Godzilla? Now that one I really liked.

9. I just realized that I’m no different from Godzilla. I’m chunky, I’m cranky, I create chaos, I take long naps, and I wake up with atomic breath.

10. Did the dog die?! I was too woozy to remember. But did it really die? Isn’t it a rule in movies that dogs should never die?

11. Am I overthinking this or is Godzilla really a bitter and cynical beast? Why is he so against two creatures falling in love and creating babies? Is he simply jealous? Is this the monster version of The Legal Wife?

12. Hero?! Ok. Now I don’t regret sleeping through most of it.

13. The sequel should be set in the Philippines. I bet Godzilla’s enjoying his sweet ol’ time under the Payatas dumpsite.

14. Stay until the end credits. You’ll see a preview of…darkness.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published May 20, 2014.)

MOVIE REVIEW: BATTLESHIP (Peter Berg, 2012)

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Liam Neeson and Taylor Kitsch owe me a lot of money. The former has (so far) starred in three dismal movies this year (the other two are The Grey and Wrath of the Titans). The latter, on the other hand, has been in two clunkers so far (the other one being John Carter). I hope they’re incredibly rich now. It’s time to pay me back.

Anyway, I really don’t expect much from a movie based on a board game. How do you possibly adapt that kind of material? If you’re a fan of special effects, explosions, clunky dialogue, and Rihanna, then you’re in luck.

Rating: ★☆☆☆☆

(Originally published April 19, 2012.)

MOVIE REVIEW: JOHN CARTER (Andrew Stanton, 2012)

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It was easy to see why this was the biggest box office bomb of all time (at least, for now). The visual effects were cheesy, the plot wasn’t that interesting, and it had an awful actor in the lead role.

To be honest, I wasn’t a fan of the Star Wars movies and this one made The Phantom Menace look like a classic. Dear Hollywood Studios, we have had enough of these Mars movies. It’s time to explore another planet.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published April 2, 2012.)