MUSLIM MAGNUM .357 (Francis Jun Posadas, 2014)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

My notes on Muslim Magnum .357:

1. I need to know how to paint that mustache on my face in time for this year’s Halloween. That thing deserved second billing.

2. The way Jeorge Estregan emphatically pronounced the name of Allah each and every time actually sounded sacrilegious. A lot of young guys tried to imitate it earlier and I was just happy that nobody felt offended.

3. Sam Pinto was such a horrible actress that even her screams sounded fake. How could somebody not even know how to naturally scream? She sounded dreadful and funny. She also kept tripping and hitting stuff and they didn’t look intentional. Oh, she had a great contract. No kissing scenes here.

4. The movie kept reminding us every twenty minutes of the nobility of Muslims. And then it showed Estregan virtually killing everyone in sight.

5. Jerico Estregan gave the most butch performance since Xian Lim in Bakit Hindi Ka Crush ng Crush Mo. He further proved that the acting gene certainly didn’t run in the family.

6. Victor Basa School of Acting: dialogue, dialogue, blink, dialogue, blink, dialogue, dialogue, blink.

7. In one scene, Pinto needed an idiot board to say this line: “Kelangan ko ng 25 million pesos para pakawalan.” She was supposedly playing a smart teacher.

8. In the next scene, they played the ransom video that was completely different from what was filmed earlier. Hey, even ransom videos needed to be properly edited, right?

9. John Regala’s beard must have been so heavy that he could barely move his mouth to speak. This movie should have been subtitled Attack of the Facial Hair.

10. Ten minutes into the movie, I knew that the only way to forget this highway robbery was to give in. I laughed all my way through the two hours and twenty minutes of this utter nonsense.

11. Who could resist this classic line: “Sa oras na magkaputukan, magkakagulo ang mga tao dito.” Weh di nga?

12. Or this other classic line uttered by Roi Vinzon: “Tinyente ka pa lang, heneral na ako. Mygahd!!!!!”

13. Or the scene where a character used Google Maps to locate a person. Or the blood stains made of ketchup. Or the crazy fistfight at the end. Or the entire scene discussing the different types of Magnums.

Oh, Jeorge, you just made my night.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

(Originally published January 7, 2015.)

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LAKBAY2LOVE (Ellen Ongkeko-Marfil, 2016)

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My notes on Lakbay2Love:

1. I didn’t have a lot of good memories with bicycles. I learned how to bike after several scrapes and bruises because I didn’t have one with training wheels and my grandfather’s idea of teaching was letting go after five steps and pushing as hard as he could to propel me forward. When I was six, I had the unfortunate luck of biking on a street with rabid dogs that tried to chomp on my then skinny legs (friends, now you know why I’m also scared of dogs). As a teen, my mountain bike got stolen even if we had high walls and it was safely parked in our dirty kitchen. On that day (and with the loss of belief in the goodness of society), I swore off biking in my life forever.

2. Solenn Heussaff played Lianne, a girl that also swore off biking after her father abandoned them for good and left her crying on the gutter under the dramatic pouring rain. She then engaged herself in the world of biking towards a journey of love and self-discovery. Lianne’s tragic life story was boring (“I’m torn between Dennis Trillo and Kit Thompson! Oh, poor me!”). On the other hand, the introduction to the world of biking was awesome. Now why didn’t they make this one a documentary instead?

3. If the Yolanda reference, climate change discussion, and scenes of deforestation weren’t obvious enough, this was an environmental advocacy movie. Lianne was completely right when she mentioned that her problems were so petty compared to the themes being presented here. I wish there were less “Ang pagbibisekleta ay parang lovemaking. Pag nagawa mo na, di mo na makakalimutan” and more of “Kapag maraming alitaptap, ibig sabihin malinis ang hangin.”

4. I really believe that Solenn is one of our underrated actresses. Her performance here was so natural that it was like watching outtakes of the entire shoot. She was just being herself and she (and her flawless armpits) looked even lovelier amidst the gorgeous sunset and luscious rainforests. Who else could deliver a line like “Ang sakit sa pechay!” and still look classy and respectable?

5. If Victor Basa and Rami Malek had a child, it would be Kit Thompson.

6. In one scene (and as if she wasn’t unreachable already), Solenn spoke in fluent French. Dennis (playing Alamat, a cyclist so passionate that he even wore t-shirts with bicycles on them) then joked “Akala ko kasi di mo lang masabi ang mamon nung bata ka pa eh.” I told you we didn’t need this love story.

7. To further drive the point, here’s another groaner delivered by Dennis:

“Relak! Baka ka mag collap. Wag ka ten.”

8. Why are feminine hygiene products so versatile? I’ve seen tampons used as nose plugs and here they used a pantyliner as first aid to a face wound. How absorbent were those things? (Obviously, very.) Talk about a happy period.

9. I loved the scene where the chismosa relatives started spilling the childhood secrets of Alamat (“Naku nung bata yan, hindi yan naliligo!”) A family reunion wouldn’t be complete without any form of embarrassment.

10. It was my first time to hear a version of the Eraserheads’ Overdrive as a biking theme. “Magba-bike ako hanggang Bicol” made me reach out for my inhaler.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆