THE BODYGUARD (Mick Jackson, 1992)

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SPOILER ALERT!!

Magagalit sa ‘kin nanay ko kasi favorite niya ‘to. Pero this recent rewatch confirmed na it really failed as a romance flick kasi walang spark at all between Rachel (Whitney Houston) and Frank (Kevin Costner). Mas may chemistry pa si Tita Whitney sa microphone niya kaya masaya yung musical numbers.

So supposedly nanuod lang sila ng Yojimbo at nag-role play ng samurai eh mahal na nila agad isa’t-isa. Ito siguro yung movie equivalent ng Cheeze Whiz. (Ano nga ba yung Pinoy film na sobrang copy nito including yung pagbuhat after the assassination attempt? Parang kay Ate Shawie siya pero di ko maalala.)

Sayang kasi interesting pa naman si Rachel bilang Oscar winner (Best Actress talaga? Hahaha!!) at huge diva na mahilig mag-ukay ukay. Tapos dun sa obsessed fan plot eh naalala ko yung rabid na KathNiel na nag-threaten na sasabuyan ng acid sa mukha sina Liza at Nadine sa ABS CBN Ball.

Still one of the best film soundtracks, though. Syempre meron ang nanay ko na cassette tape na pinapatugtog niya every single day kaya memorized ko lahat ng kanta sa side A from I Will Always Love You to Jesus Loves Me. Eh di ending ako ang naging Queen of the Night. Chz.

Rating: ★★☆☆☆

THE HONEYMOON TOUR (Ariana Grande, 2015)

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My notes on The Honeymoon Tour:

1. The MoA Arena was packed with screaming teen girls that I felt a bit irresponsible for bringing a cup of whiskey inside. I, along with very supportive parents, also probably raised the median age of the audience to 19.

2. Ariane Grande looked great in her trademark ponytail and Louboutin boots. She kicked off the night with Bang Bang and the crowd just went wild.

3. I’m happy to report that they didn’t allow iPads inside the arena. I still felt sad though that some girls would rather record the whole thing rather than dance and enjoy the concert. I swear one girl barely moved to prevent her video from shaking while I was going crazy dancing (and I use this term very loosely) to Hands on Me.

4. The crowd was too young to actually appreciate the Chaka Khan/Whitney Houston and Madonna medley of I’m Every Woman and Vogue. The parents truly loved that bit.

5. Except for 3 huge screens and the band, the stage was really bare. It was definitely no Katy Perry production. But I guess Ariana didn’t really have to compensate for anything.

6. Not a lot of costume changes, too. I think she had three outfits all throughout with a multitude of animal ears headbands.

7. Kathryn Bernardo (and her posse) pulled a Doris Bigornia and rushed to the very front of the stage as soon as the concert started and she was allowed to stay there because well, she’s the Teen Queen Kathryn Bernardo. At least Kim Chiu and Liza Soberano had the decency to stay in their seats. (But why am I complaining when I had Lower Box seats? Good seats btw. Get the ones on the far left/right of the stage and they’re actually closer than the back end Patron seats.)

8. It really paid off that I memorized her My Everything album prior to the show. I missed her Yours, Truly songs so I took a pee break (it’s a huge cup!) while everyone lit their cellphones on Tattooed Heart. Since I was already outside, I bought another cup for good measure. I gained a friend that night with Ate bartender.

9. Ariana’s voice was flawless last night. She sang Whitney’s I Have Nothing (no David Foster on the piano, though) and she didn’t miss a single note. She was so good that even if the screen behind her projected a fan that didn’t know the lyrics singing her heart out, it still couldn’t ruin the moment.

10. Most of the teen girls cheered whenever Ariana gyrated on stage and suggestively rubbed herself on her male dancers. My brain was in full oldie mode (“Ang mga kabataan talaga ngayon…”). Oh, and Andrea Brillantes was there as well as part of Kathryn’s posse.

11. The tap dancing intermission guy should get a much deserved bonus for trying his darn best to keep the momentum going while Ariana prepped for her next number. It barely worked but at least he tried.

12. When she started belting out Break Free one notch higher, I immediately knew that her voice was much better than Mariah’s in her prime. (Dear Lambs, please don’t kill me.)

13. If I had one complaint about the concert, it was really short and definitely bitin. It lasted an hour and a half although she was able to cover around twenty songs that included Best Mistake, Be My Baby, One Last Time, Love Me Harder and the encore Problem. I could listen to her all night. Then again, with that kind of energy and consistent belting, she’ll probably pass out after two hours.

14. People were carrying boxes of Krispy Kreme. For real.

Rating: ★★★★☆

(Originally published August 24, 2015.)

 

HELE SA HIWAGANG HAPIS (Lav Diaz, 2016)

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My notes on Hele sa Hiwagang Hapis:

1. Hele. Hiwaga. Hapis. These three words appropriately described my overall experience of the movie. I was oftentimes lulled to sleep, with its 8-hour runtime and scenes that seemed to never end. I was enchanted by the intersecting stories of both fictional and real characters in Philippine history, even if the movie remained a mystery until the very last scene. Lastly, my butt was screaming in pain and sorrow and felt every minute of it (like I had imaginary flaring hemorrhoids and I had to keep adjusting in my seat). I came out of that challenge feeling like the winner in Survivor: Cinema.

(For the record, Norte, Hangganan ng Kasaysayan was the exact opposite experience and enthralled me with every minute of its four-hour length.)

2. Don’t get me wrong, this was far from being a bad movie. Each gorgeously-shot misty frame in glorious black and white (this movie really put the mist in mystery) should still be worth the price of admission (plus, the P500 ticket in Newport came with unli-popcorn, a large cup of rootbeer, and a giant siopao; pa-fiesta pa lang ni Mayor sulit na).

I was just never a fan of lyrical poetry. Ayoko ng mga mabulaklak at paligoy-ligoy na salita. Wasn’t it Shakespeare who said that “brevity is the soul of wit”? (Believe me, the irony wasn’t completely lost on me.)

3. My favorite characters came in groups of threes. The screen has never been more alive than when the diwatas of Quiroga (Queenmelo Esguerra, Moira Lang, Bianca Balbuena) would appear in their fabulous kaftans, creating chaos with a menacing laugh or a throwaway pick-up line. The other trio would be the excellent tikbalangs (Bernardo Bernardo, Cherie Gil, Angel Aquino) that mesmerized viewers with every trick played on Gregoria de Jesus and company. I was sold on these characters as soon as Bernardo Squared let out a loud neigh. Such splendid actors!

(Oh, John Lloyd Cruz was fine, although I felt that his take on Mi Ultimo Adios was like a response to Maja Salvador’s Trisha’s “I love you and I will tell you everyday, everyday until you forget the things that hurthhhh.” The less said about Piolo Pascual’s stiff performance, the better. He had the requisite abs scene so no complaints here.)

4. The long takes were impressive, especially the dialogue-heavy scenes. As someone who botched a twenty-line poem in a Talumpatian back in grade school, I could just imagine the amount of time spent memorizing that script. The downside was that there were some glaring flubs (and obviously pulled punches and kicks) that Lav Diaz didn’t feel the need to retake.

It was important to note that if a character started singing a song or reciting a poem, expect that performance to be completed (8 hours, take your time). The same could be said with a lot of scenes that just stretched on for several minutes (Simoun crying in pain, Basilio endlessly digging, nipa hut burning down to the ground, etc). I wasn’t surprised at all when some critics accused Diaz of being self-indulgent. One character even mentioned, “Masyadong makasarili ang sining”. My butt nodded in agreement. Maybe some opium would have helped?

5. My two favorite scenes were:

a) Susan Africa (sans tuberculosis or any other life-threatening disease) as Aling Hule wading in an entire stretch of muddy rice field like it was some sort of punishment from Clara del Valle

b) Alessandra de Rossi as Caesaria Belarmino asking for forgiveness for being the “pinakamagandang dilag ng Silang”. Pak na pak!

6. The movie felt a bit preachy towards the end. I half-expected Whitney Houston’s Greatest Love of All to start playing.

7. Several people cheered after the screening. I was sure that some really loved the movie. I was just part of those that were thankful that it was finally over.

Rating: ★★★☆☆